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THE LEISURE OF 
AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 




Photo: Lekegian & Co., Cairo. 

COLONEL LORD EDWARD CECIL, k.c.m.g., d.s.o. 



THE LEISURE OF 
AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 



BY THE LATE 

LORD EDWARD CECIL 

K.C.M.G., D.S.O. 



THIRD EDITION 




NEW >€EJr YORK 
GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY 

[Printed in Great Britain.] 






X\6 



FOREWORD 

These sketches were written by Lord Edward 
Cecil at various times during the eighteen years 
of his service in Egypt. c My Daily Life ' and 
most of the other papers, including the unfinished 
'Going on Leave, 5 belong to a period long 
anterior to the War. Only two of them, ' Lord 
Kitchener ' and ' An Official Correspondence,' are 
of comparatively recent date. 

Though they were only written for the amuse- 
ment of his family, it is thought that these 
pictures of the lighter side of Egyptian life may 
be of interest to a wider public. The characters 
introduced are, of course, not drawn from any 
individuals. 

Three of the sketches, viz. 'Lord Kitchener,' 
'An Official Correspondence,' and 'A Day on 
the Suez Canal,' have already appeared in the 
National Review. 

July 1921. 



a% 



CONTENTS 

MY DAILY LIFE 
CHAPTER I 

PAGE 

GETTING UP AND BREAKFASTING 1 

CHAPTER II 

OFFICE PART I . . . . . .14 

CHAPTER III 

OFFICE PART II . . . . . . .30 

CHAPTER IV 
council 55 

CHAPTER V 

OFFICE PART III, AND LUNCH. „ . . .70 

CHAPTER VI 

GOLF . , 89 

CHAPTER VII 

COMMITTEE ........ 102 

vii 



viii THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

CHAPTER VIII 

PAGE 

OFFICE, CLUB, AND DINNER . . . . .117 

CHAPTER IX 

EVENING PARTY . . . . . . .134 

CHAPTER X 

SUPPER PART I . . . . . .145 

CHAPTER XI 

SUPPER PART II . . . . . . .158 

CHAPTER XII 

MY DREAM ........ 176 

LORD KITCHENER 181 

A DAY ON THE SUEZ CANAL 197 

A WELL-MANAGED CEREMONY 213 

AN OFFICIAL CORRESPONDENCE 221 

GOING ON LEAVE 
CHAPTER I 

PRELIMINARY 229 

CHAPTER II 

PACKING, ETC. ....... 244 



CONTENTS ix 

CHAPTER III 

PAGE 

CAIRO TO PORT SAID ...... 253 

CHAPTER IV 

GOING ON BOARD 272 

CHAPTER V 

DINNER ON BOARD ....... 285 

CHAPTER VI 

AT SEA : MORNING ....... 290 

CHAPTER VII 
at sea: afternoon ...... 301 

CHAPTER VIII 

AT SEA : EVENING ....... 306 

CHAPTER IX 

MARSEILLES . . . . . , . .311 

CHAPTER X 

MARSEILLES TO PARIS . . . . . 317 

CHAPTER XI 

PARIS TO CALAIS ..... - 327 



MY DAILY LIFE 



e Here lies a fool who tried to hustle the East. ' 

Rudyard Kipling. 



CHAPTER I 

GETTING UP AND BREAKFASTING 

My first sensation in the morning is usually a con- 
fused impression of noise. It is often combined 
or half combined with my dreams. There is an 
earthquake, and the house is falling. There is 
a battle, and they are shelling the house. As my 
consciousness returns, I become aware that it is 
my servant. 

He is four foot odd high, and weighs about as 
much as a big retriever dog, but he makes more 
row than a giant. He has never yet come into 
my room of a morning without falling foul of 
something. Sometimes it is the table, some- 
times a chair, or sometimes he does his great 
feat, which is to catch his foot, fall against the 
table, upset my tea, and bang the door, all in 
one movement. After years of careful prac- 
tice, he has discovered how to drop a woollen 
garment on a thick carpet, and make it sound 
like a plank falling on a pavement. 

He is a quaint personality belonging to a curious 
people, people literally without a history. Older 
than the old Egyptians, they have lived on 
from the dawn of history as hewers of wood and 
drawers of water, producing countless servants, 
watchmen, grooms, and cooks, and no single 

A 



2 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

man of eminence, or even partial eminence. 
They are intelligent and, when not spoilt, 
faithful and not devoid of some virtues, but 
without that something which enables some 
negroes even to rise to eminence among their 
fellow-men. 

I say they are, up to a point, virtuous when 
they are not spoilt, but it must be remembered 
that they are all more or less spoilt. They vary 
in morals from the Pasha's old servant, who, 
beyond the ordinary Eastern vices and petty 
dishonesty, is quite respectable, to the outrage 
on humanity who is taken on by the American 
tourists for the winter. One of the most pleasing 
sights we sojourners in the land see, is American 
young women chaffing men whom one would 
not willingly speak to oneself, unless it was to 
tell them to go away. 

My retainer stands fairly high up the list, un- 
like the servants of most of my friends. How 
men who have been as long in the country as 
Jones, Smith, and Robinson can employ the 
ruffians they do, is a mystery to me. I think 
it is because so few of us are really good judges 
of character, or understand these people, or the 
Egyptians, for that matter. I actually overheard 
Jones alluding to my servant the other day in 
very deprecatory language. I know he is not 
perfect in any sense, but compared with Jones's 
Ahmed, my Suleiman is an angel of light. 

Having banged his way through tidying up 
my room, the angel retires with a final crash, 
and I resign myself to the inevitable getting up ! 



GETTING UP AND BREAKFASTING 3 

I proceed to get out of bed, and stroll out on 
to the balcony according to my custom. It is 
curious, if one lives alone, how one follows un- 
consciously the same routine day after day. I 
believe it is only the interference of others that 
ever makes one change one's habits. 

I feel sure that the view from my balcony 
in the early morning is a subject of legiti- 
mate pride, though why, it is hard to say; 
probably because seeing anything in the early 
morning, or even being awake then, is universally 
admitted to be a matter for self-congratulation, 
and possibly because it would have been clever 
of me to find a lodging with such a view if I had 
noticed it at the time I took it, which I did not. 
When I first look there is, however, nothing to 
be seen but masses of white mist lazily moving 
in the light morning air. In a minute or two, 
as the sun strikes over the hills behind me, and 
the mist turns a delicate pink, in the far distance 
the bright blue hills of the western desert begin 
to show, and the horizon line is cut by the 
pyramids, starting out of the sea of blushing 
cloud. Incredibly quickly change follows change. 
The cloud now turns to liquid translucent gold, 
and through it dimly appear the feathery palms 
and the graceful sails of the passing boats. In 
a moment more the rising breeze has swept away 
the cloud, and the houses round show again 
their familiar but not beautiful forms. The 
morning pageant is over, and though I have 
seen it more times than I care to be reminded 
of, it never finishes without causing me a slight 



4 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

pang of regret that anything so beautiful should 
cease to be. 

From below in the street a familiar noise 
strikes on the ear. It is the early tram. I live 
over a tram line, and in front of my abode the 
line makes a curve which was obviously designed 
by an optimist. Unless the driver slows down 
to the pace of an ordinary beetle, the car goes 
off the line. As no Egyptian ever profits by 
experience, and as, when it is cold, he cannot 
think at all, the early tram runs off the line five 
days in seven. I watch it as it approaches, and, 
sure enough, it goes off the line and pulls up. 
The driver carefully gets on the brake, and 
spreading his hands before him in the national 
gesture of expostulation and complaint, calls 
Heaven to witness that he is an unlucky man, 
and that the company treats him like a dog. 
The conductor, who has dismounted, joins in, 
and they continue to bewail their lot until the 
conductor hints that the driver was in fault. 
The driver replies hotly that he was not, adding 
that the conductor's relations are not respectable. 
The passengers, who have also dismounted, form 
a circle round the two, and after listening to a 
short biographical sketch of the driver by the 
conductor, take sides, and the row becomes 
general. As the voices become shriller and 
shriller in the fury of the quarrel, which has all 
the appearance of being about to lead to blood- 
shed, and which, in reality, would never lead to 
the lightest blow, a sleepy policeman approaches 
the group. Every one appeals to him, and he 



GETTING UP AND BREAKFASTING 5 

with great impartiality abuses every one. He, 
however, has the sense to suggest that the tram 
ought to go on. The driver and the conductor, 
still raging, admit this, and with the assistance 
of the crowd shove the car back on to the lines 
in that hopelessly unmethodical and eminently 
successful manner pursued by Egyptians when 
dealing with heavy weights. The driver and 
conductor take their places, the passengers 
scramble back to their seats, and the car jolts 
away into the distance. 

Seeing that it is getting late, and that I par- 
ticularly want to be early at the office to-day, in 
order to get the memorandum on the sale of 
public lands on the instalment principle written 
for the Adviser, and to look up the case of Hassan 
Pasha Yghen's pension, which the Agency have 
been asking about, I commence to wash and 
dress. 

The water of my bath is cold, and I bellow 
for Suleiman ; he at once denies that it is cold, 
but on my marching into the kitchen and point- 
ing out that the boiler itself is barely warm, he 
says it is a very bad boiler, for there has been a 
roaring fire for the last two hours, and that the 
amount of coal I use is a shame. There I agree, 
but that is because I supply not only himself, 
but his family and friends, who, apparently, 
from my little bills, run a small blast furnace 
somewhere. I open the fire door and point to 
the half-consumed kindling wood which has not 
had time to burn yet. Suleiman is horrified, 
and says it is the other servant, who . . . and 



6 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

here follows, or would follow, the many iniquities 
of that youth. I, however, cut matters short 
with a denunciation of Suleiman and all his 
works, and resign myself to a tepid bath. 

When I have finished dressing I send for a 
cab to go to the club, as I have given up break- 
fasting in. Suleiman s fancies ' himself as a cook, 
but he is wrong. Whatever his natural talents 
are in that direction, they have been obscured 
by his desire to retire on a competency at an 
early age. No cooking will reconcile me with 
meat and eggs which belong to the fifth dynasty, 
even if I pay restaurant prices for them. He 
is aggrieved because he did not get my water 
warm, and accompanies me to the cab in a state 
of silent protest, and puts me into a prehistoric 
vehicle which has apparently been up all night. 
The driver, who has his head muffled up in a 
shawl to protect him against the cold, without 
waiting for orders, starts his horses off at a slow 
amble in the wrong direction. When my voice 
has penetrated the shawl, he slowly hauls them 
round, beating them for not knowing the way, 
and we proceed towards the club. 

As usual, I appear to have got the worst cab 
obtainable. That is because I told Suleiman to 
get me one, and he charges too high a fee or com- 
mission. This custom of giving tips or com- 
mission runs through every class and every 
transaction in this country, from the superior 
irrigation engineer, who expects his ' present ' 
from the landholder for giving him the water 
he has a right to, to the office-keeper, who expects 



GETTING UP AND BREAKFASTING 7 

a farthing tip from the poor petitioner who 
wishes his complaint laid upon the great man's 
table. Suleiman, who follows the custom of the 
country most religiously, takes a commission on 
everything he buys for me, and even from the 
cabman he calls at my request. But as I have 
indicated before, he is a lover of wealth, and 
consequently his terms are so high that only 
cabs which can get no other custom come when 
he calls. One of the cabmen told me that the 
fee was 2|d., which makes a big hole in an eight- 
penny fare. 

Without discussing the merits of this system 
as a whole, the particular result is that I am 
now in a cab of which the horses are living 
skeletons, the driver filthier and more crassly 
stupid than most of his fellows, the harness 
composed of relics of leather tied together 
with rags and string, the covering of the seats 
in holes, the springs half on one side, and the 
wheels with a spoke or two missing in each. We 
jolt along until, meeting another carriage, the 
driver pulls up, upon which the harness breaks 
in one or two places, and he gets down to mend 
it with a piece of chain, some thin string, and 
what looks like an old necktie. This done, we 
rock on again until suddenly the weak spring 
finally ' goes ' with a crash, we again pull up, 
and I get out. Luckily, I am only a hundred 
yards from the club, so I walk there, while my 
driver begins to repair the spring with a boot- 
lace. 

I was really ' well out of it,' as these cabs may 



8 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

break down anywhere, and it is lucky if it occurs 
in a by-street and not in the way of effendi- 
driven motors. No accident is impossible in 
these cabs. On one occasion the driver pulled 
up his horses with vigour, and, both reins break- 
ing simultaneously (as the string they were tied 
up with was worn and probably of inferior 
quality), the driver performed a sort of back 
somersault, and arrived in a sitting posture on 
me. On another occasion a similar recklessness 
on the part of the Jehu led to the whole of the 
harness falling off the horses, who trotted 
away, leaving us gravely seated in a horseless 
carriage. 

As I pass the clock in the club hall, I see it is 
already 8 o'clock, at which hour I meant to 
begin work, so I rush into the dining-room and 
ask them to hurry up my breakfast. The form 
used is 'Breakfast quick,' because, as all the 
waiters are Greeks or Berberines, with an im- 
perfect knowledge of English, a complicated 
order leads to most unexpected results. An 
aged and respected member asked the other day 
for ' eggs or anything that 's handy,' and got a 
nauseous-looking fluid in a glass, which proved 
to be eggs beaten up in brandy. I have always 
the same breakfast — cold meat, omelette, and 
coffee, and this, after ten years' experience, they 
know, so I usually have no difficulty in getting 
what I want. 

Our club dining-room is rather a curiosity in 
its way. It is more like a foreign railway 
station restaurant than anything else I know. 



GETTING UP AND BREAKFASTING 9 

People are always rushing in and demand- 
ing food. The waiters go about at a trot, bang 
down the wrong dish in front of you, and rush 
away before you can object. The noise and 
clatter is terrific, but it is the only place where 
one can get decent food at a price less than 
that paid at a Monte Carlo restaurant. 

In addition to a pot-house, our club is a place 
of business (unluckily), and for a senior official 
consequently a place of torment. You are 
caught and button-holed at every step. The 
more civil of your oppressors begin with ' Excuse 
a word of shop, 5 or ' You won't mind my saying 
a word about business.' Others brutally begin 
the subject as if they knew they had got you at 
a disadvantage and rejoiced over it. I have 
been attacked at meals and after meals, whilst 
reading the papers, and even while playing 
bridge, to the great pecuniary discomfiture of 
myself and partner ; and one determined old 
concession-hunter followed me into the washing 
place and caught me with my head under the 
tap. At breakfast-time, however, it is nearly 
deserted, and one is fairly safe, as most people 
breakfast at home. 

When I enter the dining-room I find, as I 
expected, only half a dozen grumpy-looking 
members munching at their separate tables, 
who look up and give vent to the usual surly 
' good morning,' with an obvious implication 
that you are not to use this concession to good 
manners as an excuse for entering into con- 
versation. As I sit down I see, to my horror, 



10 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

that I am being followed into the room by Dr. 
Smart. He is our Scottish conversationalist, and 
I believe never stops that flow of talk which has 
made so many of us feel more sympathy with 
suicide than is right. Mercifully he sits down 
at Colonel Brown's table, which suits him, as 
it is central, and enables him to operate on a 
more extended scale than if he sat in one of the 
corners. I cower behind a paper the waiter has 
brought me, as I hear Brown's indignant snort. 
6 May I have the pleasure of wishing you good 
morning, Colonel.' The Colonel gives a sort of 
snorting groan. c Now, I often wonder what 
the origin of that custom is.' c Humph,' from 
the Colonel. ' In Scotland we say it more 
cordially, I think, than you do in England.' 
6 Humph.' ' But then our manners are more 
precise. You doubtless remember Macwheesky 
says the Scottish precision is as marked a char- 
acteristic of the race as the Irishman's humour 
or the Englishman's stolidity.' ' Humph.' c But 
the custom is universal — even the lowest races 
say something to one another when they meet in 
the morning.' ' Humph, worse luck,' from the 
Colonel. ' The morn, the beautiful morn, what 
splendid thoughts and poems have been pro- 
duced in its honour ! I feel very often quite 
poetical myself when I look out of my window 
in the morning and watch the beautiful land- 
scapes, and feel the soft wind blowing on my 
face. Oh dear me, yes, it is wonderful, especially 
in this land of light and colour.' ' Humph.' 
c Now, do you wake early, Colonel ? * ' Got to.' 



GETTING UP AND BREAKFASTING 11 

6 And, like an old campaigner, spring from your 
pallet couch and rush into your cold bath.' ' I 
don't take a cold bath. Liver.' ' You surprise 
me. I thought all you men of blood and iron 
did.' I dare not look up, as the Colonel must be 
on the verge of apoplexy. I wish he would 
hit Smart, or pour boiling tea on him, or 
something. ' Blood and iron — a terrible mix- 
ture. What a magnificent sight a great charge 
must be ! Now, were you ever in a charge, 
Colonel ? ' 

This I am sure will end badly, when Flasher, 
a member of the Prisons Department, creates a 
diversion by entering the room in his usual state 
of suppressed fury. He is far advanced in the 
national disease of irritability. ' Am I,' he 
thunders, ' going to have breakfast or not, 
waiter ? If you don't bring me kidneys in two 
seconds I '11 . . .' The waiter, who is green with 
terror, murmurs, ' Cook not got no kidney — only 
fish eggs.' 4 D — n it all, what a rotten club. . . .' 
There, now he is started, and good-bye to any 
chance of peace and quiet. However, my frugal 
meal is over. I wonder why all eggs in Egypt 
taste musty, as if, as our Irish doctor said, they 
had been laid by a mummy. As I pass the 
cashier's desk, I find that, as usual, I am short of 
cash, and shall have to change a sovereign. 
This means getting what I call the club token 
money. Members who become possessed of some 
of the many artistic imitations of our coinage 
produced by the artless Greek and simple-hearted 
Egyptians pass it at the club, where they never 



12 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

seem to mind what they take. This is given out 
to members again, and as they cannot get rid 
of it except in charity or to the club, it returns 
again and again, and becomes, in fact, a token 
currency in the club. 

Now, at all events, I shall get a decent cab, 
which I want, as it is now 8.25, and I am already 
nearly half an hour behind my time. I recog- 
nise the cab -driver as an old friend who usually 
drives me in the morning. His cab is compara- 
tively clean and his horses decently fed. He 
cracks his whip and beats his horses unneces- 
sarily, as they all do, but, generally speaking, he 
is less of a brute to them than most of his fellows. 

His driving is peculiar. We start off at a 
gallop before I am well in the cab, and I sit down 
suddenly. This is painful, but I am used to it. 
We whirl round the first corner, and miss an old 
man who is strolling down the road, apparently 
with the intention of committing suicide, by 
a fraction of an inch. The driver yells out the 
whole time various remarks to the other occu- 
pants of the street who are getting, or who 
he thinks may get, in his way. ' O my father, 
mind thy feet. Thy feet, my brother. To thy 
right, beloved. O son of all that is vile, and 
father of unmentionable things, where are you 
going ? ' Then a torrent of abuse which is 
absolutely unreproducible. The language of the 
barrack-room in old days was pure and mild 
compared with ordinary chaff of the streets here. 

All this time we are galloping and missing 
people and vehicles by the narrowest of margins. 



GETTING UP AND BREAKFASTING 13 

It looks like a series of the most unparalleled 
flukes, but it is really due to the cleverness of 
the horses, who are as quick on their feet as cats, 
and just manage to avoid each thing in turn. 
It is lucky that they are so gifted, because no 
one keeps the rule of the road ; all pedestrians 
walk in the roadway, usually on the wrong side, 
and are either engaged in conversation or are 
so blind as not to be able to see the carriage 
until it is close upon them. The shouts of the 
driver have less effect than one might expect 
from their loudness and substance, because all 
the other drivers are shouting at the same time. 
As the cabman drives with the reins loose on 
the horses' backs, and held in one hand, he can 
do very little steering. Where it is necessary 
to change direction, he pulls in one rein till it 
tightens up. This takes time, and he is usually 
late, so that you swing round the corners in a 
way that would turn the carriage over if it could 
be turned over, and that would certainly in any 
case throw down any horses but these. Beyond 
cannoning with another arabiyeh, we get through 
safely, and come through the Ministry gates as 
if we were riding a finish in a race. 



CHAPTER II 

OFFICE— PART I 

Our Ministry is neither a strictly beautiful 
building nor a convenient one. It was originally 
the property of a Pasha in Ismail's days, and, 
shall we say, reverted to the Crown when its 
owner died somewhat suddenly. The part we 
occupy was the harem of the palace, and I 
dare say, though I am no judge of such matters, 
did very well for that, but as a public office it 
leaves much to be desired. It is, inside, an 
aggregation of innumerable small and for the 
most part ill-lighted rooms, connected by a 
labyrinth of dark passages. Like so many build- 
ings of that date, it is constructed principally 
of lath and plaster, and is always threatening 
to fall down ; but we go on patching it up, 
hoping that we shall be rich enough to build a 
new Ministry some dav. Its interior decora- 
tion is not artistic. The leading features are 
painted ceilings, with adhesive goddesses sitting 
on them ; gilt, red plush, and inferior looking- 
glasses, all very faded and fly-blown. 

I mount the stairs under the protection of 
two orderlies and a policeman — the orderlies to 
shove unoffending people, who are not in it, out 
of the way, and the policeman to walk as close 

14 



OFFICE— PART I 15 

behind me as possible without treading on my 
heels. Whether this is to prevent an assassin 
getting at one unbeknownst from behind, or to 
see that I don't steal anything on the way up, I 
have never found out. 

I enter my room just thirty minutes later than 
I meant to, and dropping into my chair, begin 
looking at my post as a preliminary to starting 
the day's work. 

Though, of course, like all sane men, I dislike 
work, and, consequently, the beginning of work, 
there is a grain of optimism in my constitution 
which makes opening my letters a certain pleasure 
to me. One knows the odds are enormously 
against their being interesting, and that some 
must be annoying, possibly even painful, but one 
still hopes that one day one will get a letter 
which will really please one. An easy enough 
matter when one was young — an invitation one 
wanted or a few words of praise from a superior, 
and the world went rose-coloured in a moment. 
Now it would require definite assurances from 
an unimpeachable source of a gift of health, 
wealth, and happiness for a period of ten years 
at least, to produce that glow of hope and con- 
tentment which used to come so easily. 

Now this train of thought indicates liver, and 
nothing else. I wish to goodness I had had the 
strength of mind not to play that last rubber 
of bridge, which has cost me so much from both 
a pecuniary and a hygienic point of view. Let 
me see what my letters are. Not an encour- 
aging-looking lot. 



16 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

No. 1. — Dear Cecil, — What on earth does the Finance 
mean by their recent order with regard to cash pay- 
ments ? I can only tell you if this policy of pin-pricks is 
to continue I and many others will have to reconsider 
their positions, etc. (Signed) A. Worry. 

There now, I wonder what that is ? Some 
Accounts Circular which they don't like. I will 
send for it and see. I wish there was one week 
in the year in which Worry did not resign, or, 
better still, that he would really go altogether. 

No. 2 (In French). — Cher Lord, — I recommend to your 
unfailing kindness a young man called, I think, Ahmed 
Kairy, who, I am told, is an excellent fellow of high 
principles and extraordinary attainments. The sources 
from which I obtain my information are the very best. 
(Signed) Mohammed Suleiman, 

Under-Secretary, Towns and 
Buildings Dept. 

The very best ! — I should think they were. 
He 5 s his nephew, if i remember rightly ; and I 
last heard of the young paragon as having raised 
a subscription for erecting a monument to the 
martyrs of Sersenna, and having retired to Paris 
to spend the proceeds. 

No. 3. — Dear Sir, — I am fifty years of age, and have 
never had a profession. It was suggested to me by a 
friend who lives near me, and whom I see almost every 
day, that the only cure for the weak health from which 
I have been suffering for some years would be to go 
abroad for a long period. He suggested some hot 
climate would suit me best. I thought of Egypt. 
Could you give me a post under Government with light 



OFFICE— PART I 17 

duties and a moderate salary ? I write a good hand and 
am a great admirer of Mr. Balfour, whose governess's 
second cousin married a connection of my wife's. Await- 
ing a favourable reply, — Believe me, Yours. 

PS. — I should add that I am slightly deaf. 

No wonder his friend gave him that disin- 
terested advice. 

No. 4. — Sir, — Knowing the deep interest you take in 
the welfare of this ancient country, with which the names 
of so many of our famous men have been associated, 
I venture to bring to your notice a scheme which, if it 
were carried into effect, would, I am sure, be of the 
greatest benefit to Egypt generally, and more especially 
to that most interesting class, the peasantry. I enclose 
the written proposal, which I understand it is usual to 
send in on such occasions, and beg to assure you that I 
remain, etc. etc. A. Tubbs. 

The scheme consists apparently in making a 
new fertiliser out of old bricks, which the Govern- 
ment is to supply gratis. Thank you. 

No. 5. — Dear Lord Edward, — I am sure you will not 
mind my writing to you about a personal matter. 
Dear Charlie is so depressed because he did not get any 
recognition this year. Of course, he does not care for 
such things in themselves, but he feels it hard that so 
many others who have done so much less than he has 
should receive them, and he be left out. He tells me 
even the messengers in the office salute him with less 
respect than they used to, which shows what the natives 
think about it. Could you do anything in the matter, 
do you think ? — Believe me, etc. 

Annie Brook. 

Mean beast, to make his poor wife write ! She 



18 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

is worth exactly a dozen of him, and I 'd give her 
any decoration she liked, for I suppose that 's 
what he is after. Luckily I can write back to 
say it is not in my power to do anything. If it 
was, he would not get one, but that don't matter. 

No. 6. — Dear Lord Edward, — I felt after our con- 
versation the other day that perhaps I had not explained 
my position quite clearly enough. It is, as you are 
aware, very complicated, and in fairness to myself I 
think I must claim to put the whole of the matter before 
you. At the risk, therefore, of trespassing unduly on 
your very valuable time, I must request you to grant 
me another interview. 

Trusting that you will forgive my importunity, etc. 
etc. J. Maunders Prosy. 

Now, upon my word, this is the pinnacle ! He 
stayed in my office for two hours the first time, 
and left me with a bad headache and a port- 
folio of documents which he asked me — ironically, 
I conclude — to read at my leisure. I did so with 
the assistance of two trained experts and a 
magnifying glass. They proved to be his house- 
hold accounts for the years 1880 to 1887, and 
were mostly wrongly added up. He came back 
to explain he had given me the wrong docu- 
ments, which had dawned on me in the interval, 
as his case is a shadowy claim to compensation 
for having done nothing and not got killed in 
the Alexandrian riots of 1882. If I could get 
at the rioters I would have them punished very 
severely for their remissness in not braining him 
or burning him alive or something. The second 
time he came he told me all his early life, which 



OFFICE— PART I 19 

made one wonder why he had not committed 
suicide, as it was so dull. He only got to the 
year seventy-nine, however, when a merciful 
message from the Minister that he wished to 
see me stopped the flow of his conversation, 
which I had enjoyed for an hour and a half. 
The third time we had a cheery little talk 
for three hours on men he remembered in 
old days, whose chief consolation in leaving 
this world must have been that they escaped 
his chatter. 

The fourth time we went minutely over his 
so-called case several times, besides those of a 
lot of poisonous friends of his, and now he wants 
to begin again. Well, I know it is no good 
putting him off. He is perfectly persistent and 
entirely equable. 

There, it seems I was wrong, as usual, to 
expect an interesting mail. To my joy, how- 
ever, I see I have overlooked three letters with 
English stamps which have concealed them- 
selves under the torn envelopes of those I have 
read. This is grand — let us see what is in them. 
I open the first. It is the notice of a flower 
show held a month ago at a place I used to live 
in five years since. This is not encouraging. 
The second looks better — let us see. 

Dear Lord Edward, — I have been meaning to write 
to you for a long time, but, I don't know how it is, some- 
thing always seems to stop me. I am longing for news 
of all our old friends, and to hear what they are doing 
and where they all are. Is the Savoy as full as ever, 
and do you still play golf every day ? Do write and 



20 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

tell me all about it. I had hoped that we should come 
out to Egypt this year, as Charles is in need of a rest, 
but the doctors have sent us to the Riviera, which I hate. 
Is it not unlucky ? I met an old friend of yours the 
other day, Colonel Blogger, and he asked most affec- 
tionately after you. He is trying to get his son into some 
profession. The poor boy broke down at college and 
had to be taken away, and has now nothing to do. He 
is very intelligent, nice and steady, etc. etc. etc. 

Now that is what I call (ironically) gratitude ! 
I looked after Mrs. Lever for a whole season. I 
lent her my boat, got her reserved compart- 
ments, and ran about on her errands for three 
solid months. She has never written a line to 
me, after her formal letter of thanks, for two 
years, and now she is trying to engineer young 
Blogger into the service. Young Blogger of all 
people ! His father was Principal Medical Officer 
of the Army of Occupation in 1902, and was 
nicknamed 6 the Pestilence that walketh in the 
noonday, 5 as he always lured unsuspecting 
acquaintances into accompanying him on long 
and tiresome walks, during which he explained 
his own merits and the organised conspiracy 
which existed in the War Office to delay his 
well-earned right to something very abstruse. I 
will send a civil answer, and that is more than 
she deserves. 

On opening the third and last letter, I am 
rewarded for patient submission to unmerited 
adversity. It is from my much -beloved and 
respected niece Emma, and is doubtless full of 
family news, etc. 



OFFICE— PART I 21 

Dear Uncle N., — We have just left . . . [can't 
read this] for London, where we are now. We thought 
the sooner we moved the better [why ?] and I am sure 
you will agree with our point of view. It is all very 
tiresome. [Very !] 

Turning to a more pleasant topic, we are all delighted 
about . . . [can't read — it 's an initial X, I think] 
success. [Wonder what he or she has done.] Of course 
we expected it would be all right, but one cannot ever 
be quite sure [I expect it 's her brother's examination ; 
I know he was in for one — bravo, Charlie !], and the 
doctor was doubtful. [That don't sound right. Perhaps 
the poor beggar was seedy.] It was very painful, and 

was almost delirious [Charlie does not seem to like 

exams. — I sympathise], but as soon as they cut it open 
it was all right. [This can't be an examination. It is 
too drastic — let us look again. Of course not — it 's 
' abscess,' not ' success.' She does write indistinctly.] 
She was wonderfully brave. [Not Charlie, obviously 
some one else.] Mamma told me to tell you that the 
[looks like Broughton] family are coming to Cairo in 
December or January, and she thinks they are going to 
stay in a hotel somewhere near where you live, but she 
cannot remember the name. Will you be an angel and 
look after them ? [Cheerful prospect. I wonder who 
they are.] One of the daughters is nice-looking, I am 
told. [How many are there, I wonder ?] Mamma 
thinks they will amuse you. [Anne was always an 
optimist.] 

I have lots more to tell you, only the post is going. 
Was it not sad about Bart ? Your affec. niece, 

Emma. 

There you are. That is the kind of maddening 
letter one gets. First the family left some place 
for reasons unknown, but as Emma thinks I 
should approve of them, I presume not dis- 



22 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

creditable. Secondly, some woman underwent a 
successful operation. Thirdly, a family of the 
possible name of Broughton are coming some 
time during the winter to an unknown locality, 
where I have to find them on the chance of being 
amused. Fourthly, Bart, who is my second 
cousin, has died, or got convicted, or something. 

I shall worry my head all day about these 
problems. No, the mail has been a failure to-day. 

Now for work. I will just polish off the 
submitted questions, and then see the people 
who have appointments, and put in an hour 
between one and two at the memorandum and 
the pension case. 

I ring for Mr. Tomkins. 

Mr. Tomkins is my shorthand clerk — at least he 
was so, but he has gradually edged himself into the 
title of secretary. He comes from my native village 
— London, to wit — and is my great stand-by. He 
is obviously cross this morning, because he bangs 
the slate, on which the names of the people I 
have to see are written down, on the table with 
an aggressive and aggrieved air. It is curious 
that all people of a certain social grade sniff 
when they are out of temper. I wonder if there 
is any medical reason for this. 

Let us see the list : two heads of Depart- 
ments at 9.30, 9.45, respectively. At 10 a.m. 
the Under-Secretary of the Ministry of Justice. 
At 10.15, Freiherr von Gompnitz. Good lord, 
the German Charge d'Affaires ! He is perfectly 
awful. At 10.30, M. de Signorini. Signorini 
is a kind of land broker, and is both a joy and 



OFFICE— PART I 23 

a terror — a joy because of the amount of amuse- 
ment he affords, a terror on account of the 
amount out of which he annually swindles the 
Government. 11.0, Ahmed Bey Kalaam— he is 
a crank about Arabic literature, and is under 
high protection. 11.15, Mr. Simson. Who is 
Mr. Simson ? Mr. Tomkins thinks he is con- 
nected with one of the companies, and he has 
left a letter for me. The letter on examina- 
tion shows that Mr. Simson and two other 
gentlemen are representatives of the Borneo 
and West Australian Fibre and Silk Growing 
Association, and that they will call on me to 
lay certain matters before me. Concession- 
hunters. 

Nothing more ? No, Mr. Tomkins admits 
grudgingly, there is nothing more at present, 
though some gentlemen are sure to come without 
appointments. He adds, with a gleam of satis- 
faction, that there is a committee at six this 
afternoon. This pleases him, because he knows 
I hate committees. I wonder what he is cross 
about. 

Mr. Tomkins, when he has banged down on 
my table the first pile of dossiers, as we call 
them, leaves the room, and I proceed to deal 
with the papers. 

My written routine work can readily be divided 
into two classes. Covering other people's re- 
sponsibility and answering riddles. We call these 
in the office signatures and decisions, because it 
sounds nicer. Each question comes up with all 
the papers concerning it from its earliest infancy, 



24 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

and the last document is a letter or a note. If 
it is a signature that is required, it is a letter ; 
if a decision, a note. 

I have to sign letters because in theory the 
heads of other Ministries consider it below their 
dignity to receive letters signed by subordinates. 
This is the theory, but the fact is that sub- 
ordinates prefer to be covered by one's authority. 
This is, of course, especially true of the Syrians, 
Moslems, and Copts. They have often a playful 
way of getting you to sign innocent-looking 
documents, and then producing them later on 
as a justification for some iniquity or other. 
This at one time became so common as to be 
dangerous, and we had to put an end to it by 
calmly reversing the ruling or decision contained 
in the original letter as one given in error. This 
was regarded as mean, but stopped the prac- 
tice, which we made still further unpopular by 
declaring that the drafter of a letter was respon- 
sible for its contents. 

Decisions, on the contrary, are given on a set 
of facts (save the mark !) set forward in a note 
by the head of the Department concerned. They 
always remind me of the hard cases in Truth, 
as they usually end in a question of the nature 
of ' What should A do ? ' Of course, beyond 
this one has one's own notes to write for the 
Council or Minister, or the Adviser or the Agency, 
as the case may be, but they are a different 
class of thing, and deal with questions of policy 
and legislation, and not with matters of routine. 

My first batch of dossiers this morning are 



OFFICE— PART I 25 

seventeen in number, and all look simple ex- 
cept two. 

Let me see. For signature, letter inform- 
ing P.W.D. that a credit of £10,000 has been 
placed at their disposal for making a new road 
in Cairo. Letter to Public Instruction, inform- 
ing them that their proposal to start a new school 
for girls in Tanta cannot be considered before 
the preparation of the next Budget. Letter to 
the War Department, asking why they have 
exceeded a credit of £30,000 by £l, 5s., and so 
on, and so on. 

The decisions are for the most part quite 
simple too, as one has decided heaps of similar 
cases before. There are two difficult ones, how- 
ever, which are rather typical of the kind of 
thing one has to decide. 

The first is a pension case. 

One Mohammed el Tawari wishes to have 
his case treated under the pension law of Said 
Pasha rather than under the present law. Only 
people who joined the service before the year 
1875 can claim this privilege, which is a very 
substantial one, as the old law was far more 
generous than the present one. Mohammed Bey 
founds his claim on the following considera- 
tions : — 

His entry into the regular service (Ministry 
of Justice) was in 1877, but he claims to have 
been a corporal, and subsequently a sergeant, in 
the Government schools from 1874 to 1877. In 
old days the Government schools were military 
in their organisation ; and though service as an 



26 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

ordinary scholar or private did not count as 
Government service, the time passed as a non- 
commissioned officer did. So if we, in a moment 
of enthusiasm, believed what he said, his service 
began in 1874, and his pension must be granted 
according to the provisions of the older and 
more generous law. 

What makes the real difficulty of these cases 
is, that all the records of these schools were burnt 
in the 1882 rebellion. So we have no document 
to prove whether a man was or was not a non- 
commissioned officer on any particular date. 

Some genius in the Ministry some years back 
got the Government to decide that if any one 
claiming to count service as a non-commissioned 
officer in the schools could produce the written 
testimony of four senior Government officials to 
the effect that he had served as an N.C.O., it 
would be accepted as sufficient proof. 

Mohammed Bey has produced written state- 
ments from seven of these worthies to the effect 
that he was a corporal in the Saidieh School in 
the year 1874. The statements are most circum- 
stantial, and the witnesses are two judges of the 
High Court, three generals of brigade, a con- 
troller in the Public Works Ministry, and an ex- 
Under- Secretary of State. 

So far it appears simple. According to our 
rules, Mohammed ought to be allowed to reckon 
his service from 1874, and have his pension 
calculated according to the Said Pasha law. 

Unluckily for him, he fell out with a cousin 
of his, called Ibrahim Pasha Murad, over a 



OFFICE— PART I 27 

question of inheritance and outmanoeuvred him. 
Ibrahim Pasha, smarting under his defeat and 
its concomitant pecuniary loss, came to see 
me. We discussed the weather and the crops 
rather more fully than was natural, and he then 
mentioned incidentally his cousin in the most 
laudatory terms. He praised him particularly 
for his charming manners, which he casually 
mentioned had been acquired in Paris, when he 
was at school there in 1876. and he in the course 
of his innocent family reminiscences mentioned 
the name of the school. 

I naturally wrote to Paris on the strength of 
this information, and have received a most clear 
and authentic extract from the records of that 
institution that Mohammed el Tawari, the son 
of Shefik Pasha Raschid, the then Minister of 
Public Works in Egypt, was accorded a prize 
by, I conclude, some swindle which was not 
found out, in November 1876. The record also 
stated that at this time Mohammed was a scholar 
of the third year. When I as gently as possible 
brought this to the notice of Mohammed Bey, 
he was horrified, and explained that it was all 
a mistake. The individual alluded to in the 
records was his brother, who had died young. 
On examination this proved to be only partially 
accurate, as the brother in question had died 
in infancy at Constantinople in 1867. 

What is A (that is, I) to do ? 

Of course the French record is the true one, 
and the written statements are benevolent or 
properly rewarded fictions. Still, it is a little 



28 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

hard to tell all these perjurers the truth about 
themselves. On the whole, I shall refuse the 
request civilly without giving my reasons. The 
fear of exposure will probably make them eventu- 
ally ' take it lying down, 5 even if they do try to 
c bluff ' a bit at first. 

The second case is a land case. 

Some dozen years ago a man called Aziz 
Effendi Neguib took five hundred acres of 
Government land in exchange for some land 
of his own that the Government wanted for 
something or other in another part of the 
country. Here in the dossier are all the deeds 
of the transaction perfectly in order. The paper 
work of the Land Department was always very 
good, but they were much less careful about 
measuring the land up than they are now, and 
for a slight payment I have no doubt you could 
varv the measurements within reasonable limits. 

The Government now wants to repurchase this 
same land for the new Agricultural School hard by. 
When we came to measuring up the land, we 
found that there are only four hundred acres 
instead of five hundred, and the present owner, 
the son of Aziz Effendi, now wants the Govern- 
ment to make good the amount out of which he 
alleges we swindled his father. 

At first there seems some justice in this demand, 
as we delivered a hundred acres less than we 
mention in the deeds of transfer, but on examina- 
tion there are one or two points which make one 
alter one's opinion. First, the price at which 
we valued the nominal five hundred acres twelve 



OFFICE— PART I 29 

years ago seems curiously low, but you find 
that if you take the land at its real area, the 
price works out at the price of such land in those 
days. It is only when you call the four hundred 
acres five, that the price seems low. 

Now supposing that this was a fraud, what 
was his object ? Simple enough. Aziz Effendi 
got his four hundred acres at a fair price. It is 
true he had to pay land-tax on five hundred, but 
what of that compared with the power of mort- 
gaging the land as five hundred acres instead of 
four, which he duly did ? 

Whether his son can attack us in the Courts 
now is another matter, but in any case I mark 
the papers, ' That the Law Officers be instructed 
to resist this claim. 5 



CHAPTER III 

OFFICE— PART II 

At this point Mr. Tomkins comes in and wants 
to know if I will see Mr. Driller, head of the 
Department of Unappropriated Revenue. Cer- 
tainly, and in bangs Mr. Driller. He is a valu- 
able public servant, but works always under a 
head of steam that is positively dangerous. He 
rushes into the question he wants to discuss at 
the point where he has met the difficulty, not 
at the beginning, explains his reasons in a 
torrent of words, touches on the beginning of 
the matter in an incomprehensible way, says he 
is sure the right action is to refuse, but as per- 
haps I would like to consider it he will come 
round to-morrow, but hopes the Government 
will back him up, and disappears in a sort of 
whirlwind. 

I get my breath back and ask Mr. Tomkins 
to get the papers about the case, so that I may 
form some dim idea of what it is all about. 

Driller is succeeded by Langworthy, Director- 
General of State Properties. He is an excellent 
contrast to the other. He enters the room 
wearily, and says he has nothing of any interest 
to discuss except the Marini case. Would I like 
to go into it ? ' Yes, certainly.' Langworthy, 
after mentioning he is far from well, and would 

30 



OFFICE— PART II 31 

I mind the window being closed, begins at 
Count Marini, who flourished forty years ago, 
and had obscure claims to some Government 
land, works slowly down with a wealth of detail 
that obscures the slender thread of the story, 
and wearily arrives at the present day. It is 
the usual long tissue of cheating and muddling. 
I suggest declining to have anything to do with 
Marini, and leaving him to sue us in the courts, 
if he wishes to. 

6 I thought you would say that,' says Lang- 
worthy, in a sepulchral tone, and totters out, 
presumably to see about his funeral. He has 
never been ill in his life, but believes he has 
a mortal disease — a different one every month. 
It 's consumption this month, so he coughs ; last 
month it was paralysis, so he dragged his leg. 
He is a queer fellow, but an excellent official. 

Mr. Tomkins now brings in a letter from the 
Agency asking me to see Mr. Adalbert Langton, 
an English gentleman of position, the bearer of 
the highest recommendations, etc., who wishes 
to purchase land in Egypt. 

I see him for ten minutes, discover that he 
does not know why, where, or how he wants to 
buy land, and send him on to Langworthy, 
who is used to dealing with these followers of 
Nebuchadnezzar who want to know both the 
dream and the interpretation thereof. 

My next visitor is the Under-Secretary of the 
Ministry of Justice, a dapper little Egyptian. 
He goes by the name of \ Oliver Twist,' as he is 
never satisfied. He sits down and chats amiably 



32 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

about the weather and the crops, mentioning 
in a non-committal way several matters in 
dispute between our departments, and then 
most artistically works the conversation round 
to his house. He is or has been building a new 
house, which apparently he thinks ought to be 
constructed by the aid of departmental sub- 
scription. Thus he got the stone half-price from 
the Public Works, transported it by the State 
railways at quarter-rate, and had its erection 
supervised by a wise Egyptian architect of the 
Public Works at no rate at all. 

Now he wants me to ask the Water Company to 
lay on water free of charge. To this I naturally 
demur, as we don't like asking favours of the 
companies — they cost too much in the long run. 
He smiles and apparently acquiesces, but he will 
get it eventually. He will worry and bore every 
one about his beastly water until the Khedive or 
the Prime Minister or the Agency will ask us to get 
it done for him in the interests of the peace and 
quietness of all concerned. 

I have tried everything with him — brutality, 
fencing, delay, counter-pressure — but it is no 
good. His ancestress must have been the Widow 
who dealt with the Unjust Judge. Our busi- 
ness over, he tells me a little malicious gossip 
about one of our colleagues — a pretty little story, 
accusing him of every form of vile rascality, a 
story one would not dare to tell under one's 
breath at home ; but here such things are re- 
garded as amiable eccentricities, and we part 
with expressions of mutual esteem. 



OFFICE— PART II 33 

My next visitor is an abnormally tall man, 
whose body and limbs appear to be made of 
wood. They don't seem to move naturally, 
and it would cause one no surprise if he creaked 
when he walked. His face is large and round, 
with a set half-smile on it. His hair is short 
and carefully brushed a la militaire, and the 
fixity and vacuity of his gaze indicates that he 
suffers from extreme short-sightedness. 

The moment he has entered my room he bends 
suddenly in the middle, as if he were seized by 
a sudden abdominal spasm which he is too self- 
controlled to show in any other way. 

He has another spasm on my offering him a 
chair, and he sits down as if it was a part of his 
military drill, and a separate word of command 
was required for each movement. 

I inquire politely after his health, which gives 
him another spasm. 

He then sits looking at me as if I was a curious 
anatomical specimen in a bottle, but without 
attempting to break the silence. 

Seeing that, according to Prussian rules, it is 
obviously my turn to lead, I ask him to what I 
am indebted for the honour of his visit. He 
has a modified spasm, draws off his gloves very 
deliberately e by numbers,' and opening his 
enormous mouth gives vent in deeply guttural 
tones to the following : — 

6 You are very amiable. I haf a gomblaint.' 
Taken literally, this is what I should have 
expected. He ought by his appearance to be 
suffering from rigor pokeritis or some such 



34 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

disease, but I know better from bitter experi- 
ence. So I say that I am extremely sorry to 
hear it, and ask him to be kind enough to tell 
me what is the matter. 

In the tones of a man to whom expectoration 
is on the whole more usual than conversation, 
he replied, ' Ve vant to gif you blacks.' 

This is a little difficult to translate. I am 
sure he does not want to give us anything we 
should like to get, so I think ' gif ' must be 
translated ' sell.' What ' blacks ' or ' placks ' 
are, is a matter which will be cleared up as we 
go on. I ask him what sort of placks he alludes 
to, slurring the ' p ' so that it will do for ' p ' or 
*b,' as the case may be. 

6 Gobber,' is the reply. 

Copper blacks is impossible ; it must be . . . 
and then with a flash I get it. It is ' plaques.' 
Now the only c plaques ' I can remember pur- 
chasing are the brass ones some of our messengers 
wear on their arms, but they are undoubtedly 
of brass, and we don't buy twenty a year. He 
cannot be bothering about those. With a view 
of clearing matters up, I suggest, ' Don't you 
mean brass ? ' 

6 1 am instrugded gobber,' is the uncompro- 
mising reply. 

' Could you tell me what the copper plaques 
are for ? ' I ask. 

6 They was as changes,' replies the Freiherr. 

No ! I am out of it. I guess, from previous 
experience, that this is probably a complaint 
from the German merchants that they have 



OFFICE— PART II 35 

not been treated on an equality with others in 
connection with a Government order for copper 
plaques or something of the sort. 

I have another try at elucidating the mystery. 
6 Do you remember what Department of the 
Government required these plaques ? * I ask. 
He ruminates for a moment, and then rasps 
out : 

' I haf no zertain knowledge, but I tink you.' 

Now what on earth could the Finance want 
with copper plaques ? ' Please, 5 I say in despair, 
' tell me the whole story, as I cannot remember 
any case such as you mention.' 

c Yaas,' he grunts, ' is besser. You haf a note 
inzerted in the Journal that you vant fife hundert 
tousand gobber blacks, but it is so late that 
Shermans cannot abbly.' 

6 But why should it be worse for them than 
any one else, even if the time allowed for tender- 
ing was short ? ' I ask. 

' It is for us longer.' 

' But why ? ' 

4 Ve must alzo write to Shermany and have 
answers, and so.' 

' But that is the same for all nations, Freiherr. 
How does Germany (I very nearly say Shermany) 
suffer more than the others ? And we have had no 
complaints from them.' 

He ruminates, and seems to me to be going to 
ruminate for some time, so I say as helpfully as 
a strong desire to tell him and his Government 
to go to — South Sahara will allow me : 

6 1 will note your complaint, Freiherr, and see 



36 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

if there is anything in it, and I will let you know 
the result.' 

6 1 tank you,' he grates out, ' I vill call some 
more.' 

He gets up after this threat, has three spasms 
of a peculiarly painful nature, and goes. I ring 
the bell, and on Mr. Tomkins appearing, ask 
him what copper plaques we have been order- 
ing lately, and for what purpose we wanted 
them. He indignantly denies any knowledge of 
an order for copper plaques, but he says we have 
been asking for tenders for five hundred thousand 
copper coins. 

Of course ! What an ass I am ! The idiot 
did not know the word for 6 coins,' and called 
them plaques. And our respected friends the 
Shermans are at their old tricks. The dodge is 
a simple one. They don't tender, but wait to 
see what the lowest offer is. They then try and 
get the adjudication annulled on the ground 
that they had not time to tender or some non- 
sense of that sort, and when the order is put up 
to adjudication again, they compete with the 
advantage of knowing the lowest tender. If they 
cannot carry out this swindle, then they make a 
grievance of the question, and demand that they 
shall be compensated by being given some par- 
ticularly lucrative piece of business by the 
Egyptian Government. Oh, they are a sweet, 
straightforward, honest lot, the Meinherrs ! I 
will write presently and tell the Freiherr I see 
no foundation for his ' gomblaint.' 

As Mr. Tomkins shows in Signorini, I see a 



OFFICE— PART II 37 

gleam of pleasure in his eye. He knows that 
these interviews result badly for the Govern- 
ment as a rule. Signorini is a middle-aged 
gentleman, faultlessly dressed in the newest 
fashion. His grey hair gives him an appearance 
of respectability, and his open and candid ex- 
pression inspires confidence from the first 
moment vou see him ; and it is on that candid 
expression that he has lived in luxury ever since 
he attained the dignity of manhood. His mind 
is well cultivated, and his knowledge of history 
and literature extensive. He speaks five lan- 
guages with fluency and accuracy, and is an 
amateur of no small merit in music and paint- 
ing. His collection of Ptolemaic antiquities is 
one of the finest in Egypt, and he has published 
a very readable treatise on the subject. In con- 
versation he is quick and witty, and he has a 
pleasant geniality of expression. 

And he would swindle the coat off the back of 
a blind beggar. 

After a few desultory remarks on the heat of 
the weather and the prospects of the cotton 
crop, he opens his business. 

He is a master of his art. He does not nauseate 
one with platitudes about progress or try to per- 
suade one that he is a philanthropist. He begins 
by telling me that he, or rather those he represents, 
wish to buy a large area of Government land on 
the outskirts of Cairo. They would then level it, 
lay it out in streets, build houses on it, and sell 
them off to the public. 

It is true he wants the land at a low price, but 



38 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

unless it is sold for some such scheme, what can the 
Government do with it ? The expense of levelling 
and laying out streets, putting in water and gas 
mains, etc., will be heavy, and can only be done by 
people who are prepared to spend a lot of money, 
so the Government cannot sell the area piecemeal 
to small buyers, and produce the same results. 
Again, at present, as waste land it brings in no 
revenue, but if it was built over, we should get 
our house-tax, always worth something. 

If I were another sort of man, he says, he 
might point out the advantages to the public 
and to the country which w T ould be gained by 
the carrying out of such a scheme, but he knows 
that I can appreciate these things without his 
telling me, and frankly he does not care a button 
for the public. He, or rather his syndicate are 
prepared to carry out whatever bargain they 
make fairly and loyally, but what they want is 
the profit, and they don't conceal the fact. Of 
course it is a big gamble. They may all lose 
their money over it. He thinks not, or he would 
not have gone in for it, of that he can assure me. 
The Government can be assured the work will 
be well done, because, if it is not so, the syndi- 
cate will not be able to sell the houses, so the 
scheme has the best of all guarantees, viz. that 
the interests of the syndicate and Government 
are identical. The Government, he agrees, make 
no great profit, but they sell land which is 
otherwise unsaleable, and they get their house- 
tax, besides the indirect advantages to this 
famous public we hear so much about, and 



OFFICE— PART II 39 

they take no risks at all. He mentions the 
price he is prepared to give, which, though 
low, is not unreasonably so, considering the 
levelling, etc. 

Of course, like all his proposals, it sounds 
admirable. I wonder where the flaw is. 

He continues that he does not want to make 
a complicated agreement. Where interests are 
identical this is not necessary. He simply wants 
to buy the land and agree to level it. The rest 
is a matter for the syndicate. He proposes, 
therefore, that they should be given possession 
of the land at once and allowed two years in 
which to level it, with an option of purchase 
on each hundred square metres levelled. Will 
I consider it and let him know, and will I be so 
kind as to keep the matter a profound secret — 
at all events as to the actual place ? because 
otherwise all the small proprietors, of whom there 
are twenty or thirty on land adjoining the plot 
in question, and whom it will be necessary to buy 
out quietly, will get wind of the scheme and put 
their prices up to fantastic figures. 

That is all, he says airily, and it was most kind 
of me to have seen him. 

He must now return to Alexandria, where he 
lives, and see after the unhappy Duclos, whose 
house he is living in. Have I not heard ? Oh, 
but it is the best story in the world. This 
miserable Duclos, who is sixty and shaped like 
a tun, must play the gay Lothario. It is too 
comic for words, and then follows a story which 
I was just going to write down, but on reflection 



40 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

think I had better not. When S. tells them 
they sound so light and amusing, one does not 
realise that they are unfit for publication. 

I admit that this one makes me laugh, and S. 
swaggers off to his carriage. 

Mr. Tomkins brings in a note from Carter, the 
general manager of the State railways. 

Dear C. — We have found a site for the new goods 
station. I cannot at present tell you the exact locality, 
but the syndicate who own it have offered to level and 
deliver in two years at a fairly reasonable price. Much 
less than we should have to pay if we expropriated and 
levelled it, for you know what the Courts make us pay 
in such cases. 

The matter, at the request of the syndicate, is to be 
kept a dead secret, as they have certain negotiations on 
with regard to outlying small proprietors which they 
wish to terminate before the scheme becomes public 
property. I promised to tell no one, but cannot help 
letting you know privately. I believe the land was 
old Government land, but has been recently sold. 

Well, I am blessed ! Of all the calm cheek I 
ever heard of ! S. has solemnly fooled the 
railways (probably bribed a clerk or two) into 
believing that the land is the syndicate's, and 
he very nearly succeeded in buying it from me. 
Telling Carter that it used to belong to the 
Government was an artistic touch. It would 
explain away any awkward description of the 
land on any plan Carter looked at. He would 
not be surprised or frightened by its being 
marked as Government land. The railways too 
have a separate land department from the rest 



OFFICE— PART II 41 

of the Government, and S. hoped to slip through 
between the two of us. 

I ring up Carter on the telephone and put a few 
questions to him. Yes, just as I thought : the 
profit would have been just over 200 per cent. I 
feel almost sorry that so noble a scheme has 
failed, but I sit down and write : — 

My dear Signorini, — I am so sorry, but I stupidly 
forgot that the land you want to purchase is not for 
sale. We want it for the new railway goods station. 
Please treat this as confidential. — Yours, etc. 

For once I am even with him. 

Ahmed Bey Kalaam, who now enters my 
room, is a fat little man with a round pink face 
and short grey hair, and a pair of small bright 
black eyes. He is attired in a rather neglige 
manner as becomes a man of culture and artistic 
temperament, and wears the low tarbush in- 
dicating a Nationalist. He is, though an ardent 
patriot, a friend of mine, and often comes to me to 
pour out his overcharged soul and try to obtain 
some money for one or other of his literary or 
patriotic schemes. 

He is obviously to-day in a highly excited 
condition. He sinks into the chair I offer him 
as if he could no longer bear the weight that is 
pressing on his patriotic shoulders. 

After asking after his health, which he says is as 
good as he can hope for, I ask him what I can do 
for him. He replies that he feels absolutely dis- 
heartened, his spirit, though it has for a long time 
resisted the worries and troubles of life, is almost 
broken. 



42 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

I express my sorrow, but suggest that if he will 
tell me his trouble I may be able to assist him. 

He now produces his handkerchief and wipes 
away a tear, and proceeds, in a voice broken with 
emotion, to tell me his sad history. He begins 
by informing me that from his boyhood up he 
has loved his country more than his life. He 
was born of a military family who have habitually 
given up their lives on the glorious field of battle, 
so it is, so to speak, bred in him and he cannot 
help it. If he, too, could have fought for his 
country and died for her, he would have done so 
with enthusiasm. He will ever mourn over the 
fact — I must not mind his saying this — that 
owing to a severe attack of liver trouble he was 
absent from the field of Tel-el-Kebir. There he 
could have died as his fathers had died, and by 
now he would have been forgotten by all except 
perhaps a few devoted friends. 

Here the thought of his might-have-been-heroic 
end again overcomes his manly pride, and he 
weeps silently into his handkerchief. 

With an effort, however, he recovers himself 
and continues that, as the tented field was not 
for him, he had thrown himself heart and soul, 
in spite of the repeated remonstrances of his 
doctor, into every scheme which was started 
for the benefit and advancement of his com- 
patriots. He had sacrificed health, money 
(though this he despises), and even his literary 
ambitions in order to carry out his duty. What 
was the result ? Was he assisted and encouraged ? 
Was he met with approbation and help ? No, 



OFFICE- PART II 43 

a thousand times no ! He was met with jealousy 
and ill-will, he was hindered and thwarted at 
every turn. He was at last disgusted. He 
would bear it no more. He would retire to 
Mecca, and pass the rest of his days in medita- 
tion and literary pursuits. 

He works himself up as he goes on, and, unless 
I do something, he will have an apoplectic fit 
or something of the sort. I say to him as sooth- 
ingly as I can, that I am deeply grieved to hear 
that he has been so badly treated, but he must 
remember he has still friends who respect and 
esteem him, and he must not let the petty 
jealousies of unworthy men grieve him to so 
great an extent. Perhaps if he would confide the 
matter to me I might be of service to him. 

He murmurs his thanks, and adds that I have 
always been a father to him. This is the painful 
story. Some time back he suggested the idea 
of founding a patriotic library in Egypt, exclu- 
sively for the collection and preservation of 
works by Egyptian authors. There was to be 
a reading-room attached, where true patriots 
could come and imbue their souls with the 
spirit of their country — their beloved, unhappy 
country — for half a piastre a time. The idea 
was received with favour, money was sub- 
scribed, and a large sum was given by Prince 
Ahmed Ibrahim, who, though undoubtedly 
eccentric, was by no means, as some low-minded 
dogs pretended, insane (one of the low-minded 
dogs in question, if I remember rightly, was 
the director of the lunatic asylum). The 



44 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

building was constructed and many valuable 
books were bought (among others, Kalaam's, I 
think), but, alas, it was not a success. The 
youth of Egypt were not yet sufficiently raised 
from that deep abyss of despair into which 
the misfortunes of their unhappy country had 
plunged them, to appreciate the religious com- 
mentaries of the Middle Ages, which form the 
richest portion of Egyptian literature. They still 
preferred the lighter works of modern French 
authors. No one came to the Library, and, as I 
doubtless remembered, the books were given to the 
Khedivial Library, and the building was devoted 
to carrying on a patriotic music hall. He 
regrets that even this has been since closed 
by the orders of the tyrannical police, because 
they pretended that the performance was not 
decent. How could totally inartistic people 
like the police know what was or was not decent ? 
(I remember. It had the distinction of being 
one of the very few music halls ever closed 
by the police in Egypt. We cannot be accused 
of undue prudery here.) But with this act of 
high-handed injustice he was not now concerned. 
When the scheme of the Egyptian Library 
was abandoned, there were still a few pounds of 
the money originally subscribed left over in his, 
Kalaam's, charge. He, Kalaam, thought earnestly 
what should be done with these. He did not 
merely consider the matter in a superficial way, 
but devoted his whole intellect to the question. 
It kept him awake at nights ; it was never absent 
from his thoughts during the day. 



OFFICE— PART II 45 

At last one day an idea came to him, like a 
flash of light, an idea which he felt sure would be 
agreeable and applauded by all. He would send 
the money to the poor of Mecca. He felt so sure 
that this would be in accordance with the wishes 
of all, that he did not even consult any one 
about it, as perhaps he might otherwise have 
done. 

Had he known the dogs he had to deal with, 
he would have cast the filthy money back in 
their dirty and ignoble faces. As it was, because 
he could not imagine that there could be on this 
globe such moral obliquity, such black turpitude, 
he sent it off next day to a friend in Mecca for 
distribution amongst the deserving poor of that 
holy place. Now, was it possible to believe that, 
instead of applauding his action, the family of 
the poor Prince Ahmed Ibrahim, who has been 
most unjustly deprived by the courts of law of 
the management of his affairs, claimed that the 
money should have been returned to them ? 
Not content with this outrageous suggestion, 
they dared to say that the Prince, their own 
kinsman, was mad when he gave the money 
originally, and, plunging still deeper into the 
filth from which they sprang, they demanded 
from him, Ahmed Kalaam, an honest gentle- 
man and patriot, a receipt to show that the 
money had been sent to the poor of Mecca. 
Whatfdegradation and what foolishness ! As if 
one took receipts from the poor ! Still, in spite 
of the dignified protests which he had made at 
this treatment, they were actually proceeding in 



46 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

the courts of law against him, Ahmed Kalaam, 
the patriot, as if he were a common trader, for 
the return of this sum which now, it might be 
hoped, was rejoicing the hearts of the aged, 
the widows, and the fatherless in the Sacred 
City. 

Here, again overcome by his feelings, the 
patriot sobbed afresh. 

I do my best to comfort him by saying that 
ingratitude is the commonest of crimes, and that 
often the best motives are misunderstood. At 
the same time, though his action would doubt- 
less be perfectly understood by his friends and 
by all the artistic and cultivated sections of the 
community, it might not seem so easy of explana- 
tion to the judges, who have even less artistic 
sense than the police, whom in this respect they 
much resemble. On the whole, then, as I know 
that money is no object to him, and rather a 
thing he despises, and as it is important that no 
breath of suspicion, however unjust, should rest 
on a patriot, and in view of the narrow, inartistic 
point of view of the judges, I should advise 
him to send back to his traducers a sum of 
money equal to that which he has sent to 
Mecca, thus taking that charitable deed to his 
own account. 

At this advice the patriot is even more 
bitterly affected than ever ; but, on my press- 
ing him to consider it, he says he will do so, and 
takes leave of me mournfully, doubtless to think 
out carefully from what other patriotic source he 
can obtain the necessary sum to satisfy the 



OFFICE -PART II 47 

grovelling, money-grubbing relatives of the eccen- 
tric and unfortunate Prince, who incidentally, 
I heard recently, is in considerable trouble 
himself, as he is convinced that he is a water- 
wheel, and they won't give him any oxen to 
turn him round. 

One cannot tell if friend Ahmed has stolen 
the money or merely muddled it away. In any 
case, one's only chance of getting him to behave 
properly is to pretend to believe him. 

The three gentlemen who next appear before 
me file into the room with the air of being the 
bearers of responsibility almost too great to be 
borne. 

They are obviously the usual ' cast,' the 
capitalist, the lawyer, and the local expert. 

The first is a portly gentleman with a large 
extent of waistcoat, irreproachably but a trifle 
over dressed, and as full of dignity as a turkey 
cock. His ancestry probably formed the rear- 
guard of Moses' army when they left this 
country, and gave particular attention to the 
borrowing of the jewels. 

The lawyer, of Greco-French extraction, with 
a smattering of Italian, Smyrniot, and Armenian 
blood in him, was born in Malta, and is therefore 
a fellow-countryman. He carries some large 
bundles of papers, and has a defiant you-can't- 
bully-me air. 

The third is a very dark gentleman, whose sub- 
servient manner and semi- Semitic features betray 
the Syrian. He carries a huge roll of maps and an 
extraordinary tall hat, made apparently of black 



48 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

satin. He wears what he conceives to be an air 
of frankness and conscious virtue, and his eye 
continually wanders to the capitalist, whom he 
regards with the air of hungry worship. 

Mr. Simson (late Simeon) introduces his two 
confederates (using my official title of 6 Lord 
Seesil ') as ' Mr. Dupong, our legal adviser in 
this country, and Mr. Cassab, who is acting as 
our local representative.' I beg them to be 
seated, and after a remark or two in a low tone 
to Dupong, the lawyer, Mr. Simson begins as 
follows : — 

6 Lord Seesil, I am here on behalf of a certain 
very influential group of capitalists to lay certain 
proposals before you, as the representative of 
the Egyptian Government. I may as well say 
at once that the proposal is a very important 
one, involving large sums of money, and one 
which I think it will be very much in the interest 
of the Egyptian people to accept. I will not, 
Lord Seesil, conceal from you that we did not 
take this matter up with any eagerness. I may 
say I was extremely unwilling to go into it. I 
will be quite frank with you, and tell you that 
as a business man this proposal is not worth 
taking up.' 

Here the other two nod their approval. 

6 There is no doubt, Lord Seesil,' he proceeds, 
' a possibility — I cannot say, I am sorry to say, a 
probability — of substantial profit, but it is alto- 
gether too remote to tempt one to put money 
which might be much better employed else- 
where into this venture. So to start with, I 



OFFICE— PART II 40 

may say we do not, at all events, for many years, 
look for great, or even sufficient return for our 
money.' 

6 No,' from the other two, in low but con- 
vinced tones. 

'Mr. Dupong will tell you that when he 
examined the papers, he said to me, " Mr. Sim- 
son, sir, I hope I am not called upon to advise 
as to the desirability of the scheme from a 
financial point of view." " Mr. Dupong," I 
replied, " you are not, but I should be very 
glad to have your opinion." He replied, as he 
will tell you, " There is very little in it." ' 

Here the lawyer, who had been nodding his 
adherence to and appreciation of the Lion's 
roaring, interposes, ' Pardon me, Mr. Simson — I 
said there is nothing in it.' 

6 1 beg your pardon, Mr. Dupong, you are 
right. You said there is nothing in it.' 

' I replied to Mr. Dupong that I knew that 
only too well, but that other considerations 
came in. Now, before I lay the actual proposal 
before you, I should like to make my position 
quite clear in this matter. 

' You will naturally ask, if there is little or no 
profit in this scheme, why do I, and the gentle- 
men acting with me, wish or consent to take it 
up ? My reply is this. 

6 In the first place, I and my friends have 
always taken a deep interest in the country, 
both on account of its great history, its com- 
mercial importance to the civilised world, and 
the part which our country ' (by this, by the 

D 



50 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

way, Mr. Simson means England, not Judaea) 
' has recently taken in its reorganisation and 
progress, so that, if other things are equal, we 
consider it a very suitable place for the employ- 
ment of our capital. Now, in order to employ 
that capital to the best advantage of ourselves 
(for I don't pretend to be anything but a busi- 
ness man) and of the country of Egypt, it is 
necessary for us to obtain a position in the 
country, to be known as reliable and respect- 
able men of business, and, most important of 
all, to obtain the confidence and respect of 
the Egyptian Government. We want to be in 
the position to be able to come to you or Sir 
John, and say we have this or that proposal to 
lay before you for our mutual advantage, and 
for you to trust us, knowing from past experi- 
ence that you can fully rely on the soundness 
and fairness of the business we propose. And 
it is to this future business, and not to our 
present venture, that we look for a fair return 
on our money. I also wish to say that I made 
it very clear when I joined this group, that I 
would have nothing to do with any scheme 
which was not run on the most strictly honour- 
able and business-like lines, or which did not 
meet with the heartiest approval and support 
of the Egyptian Government. Mr. Dupong here 
will tell you that that has been my line from 
the first, as it has always been in all business 
I have taken up.' 

Here Mr. Dupong murmured, ' Most un- 
doubtedly, you made that point quite clear — 



OFFICE— PART II 51 

no possible doubt of that,' and other laudatory 
and confirmatory remarks. 

I see I am supposed to say something, but 
I can think of nothing but remarks like ' You 
surprise me ! ' ' How odd ! ' ' Extraordinary ! ' 
and such like, which obviously would not do. 
So like the great Lord Burghley, I gravely 
incline my head and say nothing. Mr. Simson 
appears satisfied, for he now turns on Dupong 
and says, ' Perhaps you would not mind read- 
ing out to Lord Seesil that short memorandum 
we prepared on the subject.' 

Mr. Dupong immediately opens his largest 
bundle of papers, and proceeds to select the 
required document. During the process he 
shows or repeats the names of most of the 
leading firms and financiers in Europe and Egypt 
in the following way. ' Let me see. Cassel, 
no, that 's not it ; Rothschild, no ; Baring, no ; 
Benachi, no ; Delta Railways, no ; ah ! here 
it is ! ' and, adjusting his glasses, he begins to 
read it out. 

After some paragraphs which bear a striking 
resemblance to the speech of Mr. Simson, both 
in style and purport, the scheme unfolds itself. 
I recognise, with a sort of unholy joy, an old 
friend in a new dress. It is a land concession. 

The substance of this particular sort of swindle 
is always the same, though the details differ, 
as the cookery book says, to taste. The con- 
cessionaire asks for a large area of waste un- 
irrigated land at a nominal price, and declares 
he only wants drainage water, i.e. water that 



52 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

has been already used for irrigation, and which 
is full of salt and other impurities, and which 
is therefore quite useless for ordinary crops. 
He explains that he is going to grow Californian 
hemp or Paraguayan fibre plant or mulberry 
trees for silk- worm raising, all of which plants, 
let us suppose, don't mind bad water. 

When he has obtained his concession (if he 
gets it), he proceeds to put all sorts of pressure 
on the Government to get good water brought 
to the land, and probably eventually gets it. 
He then sells the land for cotton cultivation 
for more pounds than he paid pennies for it. 

I hear all the dear old phrases I am used to in 
such cases — increased taxable area, large profit 
to the Government, new industry, remedy for 
the danger caused by depending only on cotton, 
and so on. 

After the reading of this document has come 
to an end with an unusually nauseating para- 
graph about future progress and the benevolent 
Egyptian Government, Mr. Simson again addresses 
me on the merits of the proposition with the 
air of one who is prepared to confer a great 
benefit on the community at large, and on me 
in particular. He has a kind of c you-don't- 
of ten - get -a - chance - like - this - my-lad - but - there - 
my-benevolence-is-so-great-I-cannot-help-it ' air. 
He adds graciously that he does not wish to 
press me for an opinion on the proposal, until 
I have had time to think it over, as the more 
it is examined, the better he will be pleased. He 
then directs the Syrian to show me the plans. 



OFFICE— PART II 53 

That worthy, whose admiration is obviously 
unbounded for the man who steals thousands 
while he has had to content himself with an 
odd fiver here and there, unfolds the plans 
and glibly explains them with a half-imploring 
glance at his chief from time to time, as much 
as to say, ' Lion, when you kill, don't forget 
your faithful jackal, who is lying his throat 
sore for you now.' 

The plans are really works of art. Ground 
plans showing the plantations and factory, the 
latter of great extent. Elevations showing most 
magnificent buildings and sheds with large 
chimneys pouring out dense clouds of smoke, 
houses bristling with verandahs, and covered 
with climbing roses and Bougainvillias, interiors 
and sections showing the costly machinery and 
magnificent installation and furniture. The 
manager's house js a palace, the sub-manager's 
is a mansion, and even the sub-assistant engineer 
lives in a villa which would be cheap at £300 a 
year. I duly admire the plans, and listen to 
the strings of figures which Mr. Cassab pours 
forth, showing the enormous expenditure the 
syndicate is prepared to undertake. 

It is always amusing to notice the accuracy 
of the details in an imaginary concern like this. 
Cassab explains volubly that the quality of the 
machinery renders it more expensive than was 
intended, but that, owing to the conditions of 
the country, this is necessary. The sum esti- 
mated for the manager's palace ends in four 
shillings and threepence, and so on. When 



54 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

Cassab has finished this monument of menda- 
city, Mr. Simson gravely commends the question 
to our earnest consideration, mentions that 
the Government can rely on the honour of 
himself and his fellows, and retires with great 
dignity, accompanied by his satellites, while I 
send the papers to a noble institution called the 
Concessions Committee, whose business it is to 
put an end to such schemes by asking for ade- 
quate guarantees and legal undertakings, which 
friend Simson and his confederates would never 
think of giving, even if they could. 

I am glad Simson mentioned his honour, as it 
completes the picture, so to speak. I have never 
met a real rogue who could keep that word off 
his lips for long. 



CHAPTER IV 

COUNCIL 

I have scarcely had time to dispose of a dozen 
papers after Mr. Simson's departure, when I 
am summoned to the presence of his Excel- 
lency the President of the Council, by his 
secretary, a particularly greasy individual, with 
a cast in the eye and a supreme lack of those 
principles which are so inconvenient in the 
transaction of business, who informs me that 
their Excellencies wish to consult me about 
their summer offices at Alexandria. From this 
I deduce that a sort of informal council is sitting 
— a practice to which their Excellencies are 
much given, as it enables them to weave those 
remarkable webs of, shall we say, arrange- 
ments in which their souls delight, without 
the interfering presence of a brutal and stupid 
foreigner. The question of their summer offices 
is one of the few which really stirs that august 
body, our council, to its depths. Up to now 
we have occupied temporary offices, but it 
has been proposed to change this and build, 
buy, or hire adequate permanent accommo- 
dation. As I am their Excellencies' adviser 
during the summer months, they doubtless con- 

55 



56 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

sider that I should be consulted in the matter, 
or, to put it more formally, receive their per- 
sonal instructions on the point. 

On entering the President's room, I find that 
all the Ministers are there — that is, those in 
charge of the Departments of Public Instruc- 
tion, Foreign Affairs, Public Works and War 
(combined), Justice, and my own Minister of 
Finance. The President, who is also Minister 
of the Interior, receives me with a limp ' hand- 
shake,' and waves me courteously to a seat. 
After shaking hands with the august body indi- 
vidually, I settle myself in the only arm-chair 
vacant, and prepare for what I know will prob- 
ably be a lengthy interview. The President, 
with an oleaginous smile, opens the question. 
He wishes to know what has been done about 
providing the Ministers with offices for the 
coming summer. 

Before I can answer that nothing has been 
done pending his instructions, Foreign Affairs, 
who resembles a football in figure, breaks in 
by asking me whether I do not think we had 
better revert to the old arrangement of taking 
rooms in the principal hotel. This is the signal 
for a general murmur of dissent, and the Pre- 
sident raises his hand with a deprecatory gesture 
and begs Foreign Affairs to be silent. ' First,' 
he says majestically, ' let us hear what has 
been done ; afterwards we can discuss the various 
proposals.' I hasten to explain that so far 
nothing has been done. 

' That,' says his Excellency, placing one 



COUNCIL 57 

hand inside his waistcoat in a ministerial atti- 
tude, ' makes matters much easier, as it leaves 
us a free hand.' This optimistic opinion is re- 
ceived with dignified approval. 

' Very well,' says the irrepressible Foreign 
Affairs, 6 we will take rooms in the hotel.' 

' What reasons do you put forward for such 
a step ? ' asks the President. ' We must not 
act without reason.' Now this puts Foreign 
Affairs in a hole, because he has been asked 
by the hotel proprietor to get this scheme 
adopted on the understanding that the grateful 
proprietor will continue to inflate his football- 
like figure free of charge, and this, though a 
good, sound reason, is not one which can be 
given in council. 

6 It is simpler ; there are no formalities, and 
one is near one's work,' says Foreign Affairs, 
after a slight pause. ' In the summer one 
should always be near one's work.' 

6 1 do not like a hotel,' growls Justice, whose 
digestion has long since practically ceased to 
exist, and for whom free food is a mockery. 
' It is not dignified to have a Ministry with a 
number on the door ; besides this, there is a 
band which plays. I cannot work with a band 
playing.' 

6 1 prefer a band,' says Foreign Affairs ; c it is 
more gay ; besides, you need not listen.' 

6 It is so loud that one cannot hear,' joins in 
Public Works ; ' how can one discuss grave 
matters to a polka ? ' 

The cause is virtually lost, but Public In- 



58 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

struction, who is, or was twenty years ago, 
rather a gay 'dog,' but considers it necessary, 
since he assumed his present office, to take a 
high moral line, gives it the finishing blow, by 
saying with a puritanical air : ' Undesirable 
people of both sexes live in hotels. It is not 
fitting that the seat of Government should be 
in such a place.' 

Foreign Affairs, with a look at Public In- 
struction which implies that he would like to 
enter on Lady Cardiganesque reminiscences with 
regard to his colleague, sinks into a sulky silence. 

Justice now growls out that ' the only thing 
to do is to hire a quiet villa near the sea, where 
we can live in quiet ; and besides that, the sea 
air is excellent for the health.' It would be 
both dignified and comfortable. 

This suggestion is not received with enthu- 
siasm. Our President, however, remarks that 
there is much to be said for a villa. The Romans 
lived in villas. 

' And baths,' adds Public Instruction, who 
feels it incumbent on him to display a little 
departmental learning. 

' I won't work in a bath,' Foreign Affairs says 
indignantly. ' Do you call that dignified ? ' 

This plagiarism on Sartor Resartus is received 
with pitying contempt by Public Instruction, 
who says, ' Their baths were quite different to 
ours. When I was in Rome I went often . . . I ' 
Here the President breaks in with, 'There is 
no suggestion of baths; we are discussing 
villas.' 



COUNCIL 59 

Fixing his bilious eye with stern reprobation 
on his colleague of the Foreign Affairs, his 
Excellency of Justice continues his remarks. 
He points out that they must either construct 
a suitable house for their accommodation or 
acquire an existing building, and as they have 
no time to erect the necessary construction, 
which would take much thought and considera- 
tion even before the plans could be drawn, 
nothing remains but to take an existing build- 
ing. Of course they could buy a house, but 
again this would take some time before the 
necessary formalities could be accomplished, 
and, moreover, if they were to take permanent 
quarters, it would be better to build. ' But 
you have just said we have no time, mon cher 9 
from Foreign Affairs. Justice, more outraged 
than ever, wishes to know if this is a serious 
discussion, and the President has again to inter- 
vene. & I think,' he says, with the air of one 
solving a profound problem, ' our colleague of 
the Justice has not finished his remarks. I am 
not sure, but I think so.' Justice, who is now 
getting obviously sulky, continues : ' If there is 
no time to build ' 

6 What sort of house would you build if you 
did build ? ' asks Public Instruction, inter- 
vening. ' If you want a cheap house built 
quickly, a thoroughly satisfactory house in every 
way, there is, I am told, an excellent contractor, 
a charming fellow, they tell me.' 

At this point his Excellency of Public Works, 
a stolid and fish-like individual, who has been 



60 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

regarding Public Instruction with stony disap- 
proval, says, in tones as distinct as his adipose 
deposit will allow : e All building is a matter 
for the consideration of the Public Works. 5 

4 Unluckily,' breaks in the irrepressible Foreign 
Affairs. 

6 How unluckily ? ' says the Minister of Public 
Works, turning his fish-like gaze on his other 
colleague. Foreign Affairs is a little dashed by 
the tone and look, but he tries to carry it off 
gaily. ' Mon cher, it must be agreed that your 
Department's buildings are not of the cheapest, 
and they fall down.' 

6 How " fall down " ? ' wheezes the Minister 
of Public Works, with awful emphasis. 

' How do I know ? ' replies Foreign Affairs. 
6 In the usual way, flat. Look at the Law 
Courts at Tanta.' 

6 Or the school at Beni Suef,' chimes in Public 
Instruction. 

4 Or the new wing of the Mixed Court at 
Zagazig,' adds the Minister of Justice malevo- 
lently. The Minister of Public Works looks 
on his colleagues with cold but contemptuous 
dislike. ' These buildings were built,' he 
wheezes, ' before I became Minister. I could 
not hold them up. Besides, it is a technical 
matter, and ' 

At this point the Prime Minister again inter- 
venes and mildly reproves the council, expresses 
his confidence in the Department of Public 
Works, in which he says, ' Every one has seen 
great improvements since Ahmed Pasha became 



COUNCIL 61 

Minister ; of course, there are accidents, but 
when one considers the difficulty of building a 
house, one only wonders that they do not fall 
down more often.' 

He adds that ' he, however, believes the 
Minister of Justice is not advocating the build- 
ing of a house. He may be wrong, but he 
understood him to say that it took too long. 5 

His Excellency of Justice says that the Prime 
Minister has rightly interpreted his views. If 
there is, as he said before, no time to build 
or buy, and it has been rightly decided to do 
away with the undignified custom of the council 
meeting at an inn, there only remains one 
course, to hire a suitable villa somewhere in 
an agreeable situation. Of course it is not 
easy to hire a really good house, but in this 
matter perhaps he can help their Excellencies. 
The villa of Ahmed Bey Nessim would, he 
thinks, be not unsuitable — in fact, perhaps 
the best that could be obtained. He does not 
conceal from the council that he has, in order 
to be prepared for such an eventuality, spoken 
to Ahmed Bey, who, though he was not at all 
willing to let, has been public-spirited enough 
to say he would place his house at the disposal 
of the Ministry for a very moderate rent, con- 
sidering the inconvenience he must necessarily 
be put to by letting it. 

This proposal is received in stony silence by 
the meeting. We are all aware that Ahmed 
Bey Nessim, pressed by gambling debts, has 
been moving heaven and earth to let his house, 



62 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

which is old-fashioned and rather ramshackle. 
We are also painfully aware that his Excel- 
lency of the Justice is chief creditor, and can 
guess what the moderate terms airily alluded 
to by his Excellency will probably be. 

Foreign Affairs, who is still smarting under 
his defeat over the hotel scheme, starts the 
opposition in his best form. That, he says, 
is certainly an idea, and the situation of the 
house, though not, of course, first-class, is 
better than many ; the fact that there is 
no road of access, the absence of garden, and 
the proximity of some huts occupied by the 
poorer classes, which smell a little, would, no 
doubt, enable us to get the house at a very 
low figure, and this is, no doubt, an advan- 
tage (with a glance at me). Would the Under- 
Secretary of Finance give them some idea what 
that Ministry would probably pay for such a 
house — for what he might call a third-rate 
villa ? 

Here the Minister of Justice interrupts heatedly, 
saying that there is a road of access and a no 
doubt small, but very lovely garden, whilst the 
huts mentioned are far away, and no smell has 
ever been noticed coming from them. 

Public Instruction starts giving us his views on 
the housing of the poor by making them build 
houses on the undrained lands outside the city 
at their own expense, when the Prime Minister 
checks him, and asks me for my opinion as to 
the rent. I reply diffidently that their Excel- 
lencies are much better judges than I am. but, 



COUNCIL 63 

in view of all the circumstances of the case, I 
think twenty pounds a month would be about 
right. Foreign Affairs exclaims that this is a 
very generous offer, but, on the other hand, 
Justice is so incensed that he can scarcely 
speak. 

What he would have said will never be known, 
because Finance, who has been dozing peace- 
fully, falls off his chair, or rather it gives way 
under him, and he has to be helped up and 
dusted. 

The Prime Minister is sorry; he now remem- 
bers that that chair has a broken leg. Finance, 
who is slowly recovering from the shock, looks 
as if he would like, in street parlance, to give 
him something to be sorry for. However, a 
bell is rung, and a miserable office-keeper and a 
secretary are heartily abused, which relieves 
every one's feelings. ' It is very dangerous for 
a chair to break under one,' remarks Public 
Instruction. ' It happened to me last year.' 

Justice agrees, and informs us that his uncle 
fell off his chair, and was never right in his head 
afterwards. 

' With me,' says Public Instruction, ' it was 
different. I hurt my back.' 

The Prime Minister and their other Excel- 
lencies having given their views on this inter- 
esting subject and shaken their heads over 
the dangers which surround us even in chairs, 
the Prime Minister asks the Minister of Justice 
what he thinks of the offer of the Finance. 
Justice haughtily says that, all things con- 



64 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

sidered, he will withdraw his proposal. He 
could not ask Ahmed Bey even to consider such 
a rent. There is an awkward pause, which is 
at last broken by the Minister of Public Works, 
who has remained since the accident with his 
huge eyes fixed on the ceiling, looking like a 
reflective cod-fish, saying that, in spite of the 
remarks which he is sorry to say have been 
made at this meeting, for him only one course 
is possible and wise. ' We must build,' he 
says. 

4 By contract, 5 interposes Public Instruction. 
' I know an excellent contractor, a really charm- 
ing fellow who ' 

' No, 5 sternly resumes Public Works. ' We 
must build ourselves a house suitable for the 
occupation of the Ministers of Egypt, something 
really worthy of us, like " Whitall 55 or " Down 
Street, 55 only smaller, naturally smaller. 5 The 
last sentence is addressed to me, I think as a 
bait, but owing to a choking sensation I have 
some difficulty in looking as sympathetic as I 
could wish. 

6 But that will be more expensive than any 
villa, 5 remarks Justice, ' and besides, it would 
be unsuitable. I am not in favour of erecting 
copies of foreign buildings 5 — his Excellency has 
strong Nationalist leanings — ' when we have a 
glorious architecture of our own. 5 

6 There is no reason, 5 continues the impassible 
Public Works, ' if it is desired, that we should 
not modify the style to make it more in accord- 
ance with Arabic Art. 5 



COUNCIL 65 

' But why Arabic Art ? ' suggests Public In- 
struction, who wishes to give us the benefit of 
knowledge acquired on a recent trip up the 
Nile, in company with a German professor 
and a Baedeker. ' Is not the art of the Ancient 
Egyptians even grander ? ' 

Foreign Affairs interposes. ' But it is impos- 
sible : I have seen these temples and monuments 
often, and none would be at all suitable for 
Ministries. 5 

c I beg your pardon,' replies Public Instruc- 
tion, ■ Professor Fliegener showed me the King's 
House at Karnac, where it is probable that the 
councils were held. Of course nothing remains, 
and it is used as a kitchen garden, but one could 
see where it had been, and it was very interesting.' 

' Besides, who could build them ? ' continues 
Foreign Affairs. ' Frankly,' to the Public Works, 
' can your Department build big public offices ? 
Have they the experience ? ' 

' Build public offices ! ' says Public Works 
with cold indignation, ' we can build anything. 
We built a railway station, the Cairo Station, 
which is very large and very remarkable.' 

At this point Finance, who has been looking 
uneasy, mentions that he is sure he heard one 
of the chairs crack, he is not sure which. This 
produces general alarm, and every one gets up 
and examines his chair, sitting down again 
gingerly, and bumping up and down cautiously 
to test them. It is an impressive sight to see 
their Excellencies slowly bobbing up and down, 
with faces of solemn anxiety. 

E 



66 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

6 You should have stronger chairs,' remarks 
Public Works sternly to the Prime Minister, who 
smiles agreeably and says : ' If the Finance 
would only refurnish this office I myself should 
be delighted, but ' with a smile at me. 

Now this is getting dangerous; in a minute 
they will all be asking for office furniture, for 
which they have an insatiable desire, so I 
turn on Public Works and point out that his 
scheme, though in accordance with the high 
traditions of his Department, and worthy of 
his Excellency's reputation as a statesman, 
is, I fear, of too large and costly a nature 
to be considered for the present, though it 
might be brought forward again at a later 
date. 

I then turn to Public Instruction and ask him 
if he has any suggestion. 

His Excellency has. If his proposal to employ 
a really good contractor to build us a house, 
no matter if it is the man he knows personally, 
though he can personally vouch for his work, 
or not, is negatived, he suggests that we should 
employ some discreet person to get a list of the 
houses for sale in Ramleh and the vicinity, 
without saying for whom the information is 
required. He suggests that a very suitable 
broker would be Murad Effendi Fauzi of his 
Ministry, a most discreet person, and one who 
is thoroughly versed in business. 

This proposal is really badly received. We 
may as a body civilly ignore that Foreign 
Affairs wishes to live free at the hotel, that 



COUNCIL 67 

Justice wants to recover his gambling debts, 
that Public Works would like the commissions 
he might receive on the buildings, but Murad 
Fauzi has married the daughter of Public In- 
struction, and is his agent at Ramleh, where 
his Excellency has indulged in a large build- 
ing speculation by running up half a dozen 
enormous villas (built apparently from plans 
executed for pavilions in some exhibition, and 
very properly rejected by the Managing Com- 
mittee), No, it is too bad. We feel that this 
proposal is inartistic and unworthy of our 
traditions. Public Instruction, however, un- 
mindful of the gathering storm, continues to 
expatiate on the excellence of his scheme. 

The Prime Minister rises to the occasion. ' I 
fear,' says he, 'that, excellent as this plan is in 
many ways, it cannot be carried out.' 

' Why ? ' asks Public Instruction, in a dis- 
appointed tone ; ' it is an excellent plan. Now 
if I ' 

4 Because we,' continues the President, with 
emphasis, ' several of us, own villas in Ramleh 9 
and a subordinate employe might, without know- 
ing the extent of such a mistake, recommend 
that one of our houses should be bought by 
the Government, which would place us in an 
awkward position. The newspapers would say 
all sorts of things which, though untrue, would 
be very mortifying, and perhaps prejudice the 
Ministry in the eyes of the nation. We,' says 
the Prime Minister, ' must be above suspicion, 
even absurd suspicion.' 



68 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

We all nod a grave approval, rejoicing inwardly 
that in many respects we are above suspicion, 
or, at all events, the effects thereof. 

' Tiens, do you think,' says Public Instruc- 
tion in an astonished tone, 6 they would dare ? ' 

4 In this age, 5 says the Prime Minister, ' there 
is no respect for anything.' 

c Of course,' says Public Instruction, ' that 
without question finishes the matter ; sooner 
than the breath of suspicion should touch us 
we would meet in a tent.' 

' That would be certainly economical,' says 
Finance, whom a fancied creak from his chair 
has again aroused to a state of semi-conscious- 
ness, 4 but not comfortable. I lived in a tent 
once ; it made me ill.' 

' I do not mean,' Public Instruction begins to 
explain, when Foreign Affairs, who is looking 
at his watch, exclaims, ' Sapristi, it is nearly 
one o'clock. I, for one, must go, my dear 
President, if you will excuse me — I have much 
to do.' 

c And I.'—' And I,' chime in the others, as 
they roll to their feet. Indeed their Excel- 
lencies' mid-day meal is no light matter. 

Public Works remains alone unmoved. ' Then 
what have we decided ? ' 

There is a pause, and I suggest that now that 
we have discussed the matter in all its bearings, 
and I have had the honour and pleasure of 
hearing their Excellencies' very lucid views on 
the subject, I think we should think matters 
carefully over, and that then I would venture 



COUNCIL 69 

to make some definite proposition which I trust 
would be acceptable to them. 

6 Tres bien, tres bien. Yes, yes, that is it, 5 
and, after taking a cordial leave of the Prime 
Minister, their Excellencies roll off to their wait- 
ing lunches and I return to my office. 



CHAPTER V 

OFFICE— PART III, AND LUNCH 

When I arrive back at my office I find my 
outer office crowded with a growling mob of 
officials, waiting to see me. Before I can 
attend to them, however, there are between 
twenty and thirty letters to sign. You have 
to read through those prepared by Egyptian 
subordinates with some care, as, apart from 
their playful habit of inserting matter to suit 
their own ends, they are apt, through their 
limited knowledge of foreign languages, to make 
you say things which give an impression to your 
correspondent that you have become insane. 
For example, here is a letter about removing 
a wreck from the entrance to Alexandria Harbour, 
in which I am made to say to the Director-General 
of Ports and Lights that we approve of his em- 
ploying dynamite ' to puff up the bones of the 
dead ship,' and another to the Controller of 
Government Lands in which I solemnly enjoin 
him to prevent trespassers from entering on a 
certain piece of Government land, c whensoever, 
howsoever, and whatsoever it is, 5 which might 
well confuse him. 

Having disposed of these, I begin to interview 

70 



OFFICE— PART III, AND LUNCH 71 

the waiting officials in turn. This is the hardest 
bit of the day's work. It consists in giving 
decisions or rulings on points submitted to 
you, and giving them, if possible, on the spot, 
as a delay is often very inconvenient to all 
concerned. As the rulings are within limits 
practically absolute, a faulty decision may give 
rise to a lot of trouble. One has to combine 
rapid decision with careful work, and to turn 
one's mind frequently on to a new subject, 
which is very tiring. 

The native officials are far too fond of referring 
questions to superior authority, partly because 
they are timid, and partly because they have 
no sense of proportionate importance. This is 
due to the undeveloped state of their intelligence, 
and to the tradition of bad government which 
makes them live, like all whose tenure of position 
or livelihood is precarious, in the present. The 
immediate effect, not the ultimate result, is what 
they care about. 

Their anxiety, too, to be on the winning or 
popular side is almost pathetic. I recently 
asked a high official of the Accounts Depart- 
ment for some figures connected with a certain 
subject. He immediately asked me what I 
wanted to prove : I told him, and the figures 
he produced were absolutely convincing and 
quite fallacious. 

They also waste one's time by their love of 
high-sounding sentiments and c seven-footed ' 
words, with which they fill their written work. 
These have no real meaning, but they look and 



72 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

sound pretty. If a widow of an official asks for 
a pension, they write pages on the virtues of 
charity and mercy, and probably end up their 
report by suggesting a neat way of swindling the 
poor woman. 

Of the officials whom I see this morning, only 
three are of any interest. The first, Ishak Effendi 
Benoiel of the Pensions Department, looks like 
the Jew one sees on the farcical stage. He 
begins in a snuffling whine. ' A sad case, a 
very sad case, M. le Sous -Secretaire. The widow 
of M. Emile Dupuis, an engineer of great merit, 
asks for the gratuity of three hundred pounds 
which she would have obtained if M. Dupuis 
had fulfilled certain formalities before he died. 
As he did not do so she has no right to a penny, 
but ' 

Here he stops for an indication of my views, 
and, on my murmuring that it is a sad case, 
continues : ' The Government is ever just and 
merciful, especially to the weak and defence- 
less.' 

I say more sternly that, after all, the law is 
the law. 

6 Precisely, 5 he continues ; ' she has no right 
to a penny, and ought not to have applied.' 

Appearing to relent, I remark that, as she is 
destitute, a small sum might be granted her as 
a favour. 

6 What I should have expected,' murmurs 
Ishak, ' from your well-known generosity.' 

' A small sum,' I repeat, with the accent on 
the 'small.' 



OFFICE— PART III, AND LUNCH 73 

6 Ten pounds would be ample,' says Ishak, in 
a convinced tone. 

I look pained and say, ' A small sum such as 
two hundred pounds or more.' 

6 From the purely accounting point of view,' 
says Benoiel, ' no doubt ten pounds would be 
sufficient, but from the more statesmanlike 
attitude taken up by your Excellency, an atti- 
tude that was only to be expected, two hundred 
to say two hundred and fifty pounds would be 
a very proper sum.' 

' Very well,' I say, ' as we have gone so far, 
I think we might as well give her what she 
asks— three hundred.' 

c After all, M. le Sous- Secretaire is undoubtedly 
right. Three hundred pounds, though generous, 
is not too much. Why split hairs in dealing 
with the widow of so distinguished a man as 
my poor friend, Dupuis ? ' 

And so it is decided. It was, no doubt, a 
waste of time making Ishak turn round and 
round, but I cannot help doing it. He waltzes 
so gracefully. 

The next of the three, Ahmed Effendi Murad, 
belongs to the Treasury, and is a shabbily over- 
dressed little man, with a superior smile and a 
particularly noxious brand of scent. 

6 1 came,' he says, ' to offer my explanations 
with regard to the unfortunate but necessary 
delay in payment of the ten thousand one 
hundred and six pounds due to Messrs. Giuliano 
and Strozzi, the contractors.' 

I reply coldly that I shall be glad to hear 



74 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

them as, so far, the delay has appeared to me 
not only inexplicable, but even discreditable to 
the Government. 

He turns an even more repulsive green than 
the colour of his tie, but is obviously more 
hurt than terrified, and is convinced that my 
remarks are unjust. I continue by pointing out 
that the bill for the first part of the work under- 
taken by the contractors was sent in on the 
thirty-first of March, and was due then. The 
payment, I regretted to see, took place in Sep- 
tember. 

The result of this delay in payment was that 
the work was also delayed, as the contractors 
pleaded inability to continue the contract until 
payment was made. 

'I feel confident,' says Ahmed, who does not 
look it, 6 that when your Excellency has heard 
my explanations you will be satisfied. 

' In the first place, the sum claimed appeared to 
be two pounds in excess of the amount allowed 
for the purpose, so we were forced to return the 
papers with a remark to this effect. We sub- 
sequently consulted the Public Works Ministry, 
and found out that, through a most regrettable 
mistake on the part of that Department, we 
were misinformed, and that the contractors 
were right. We immediately informed the firm 
by a letter, dated the 8th of June, and invited 
them to make a new demand for payment, 
which they did on June the 25th. 

6 After the necessary formalities before pay- 
ment had been nearly completed, it was noticed 



OFFICE— PART III, AND LUNCH 75 

that the new demand had been signed by only 
one partner of the firm, M. Strozzi, and he had 
not signed in the name of the firm. We were 
therefore compelled to write to him to point 
out that he had committed an irregularity, 
and to request him to rectify the error. By 
some mischance this letter was sent to Europe, 
and we did not receive his answer till August. 

6 Unfortunately, most unfortunately, the answer 
was not dated, and this omission was not dis- 
covered until the cheque had actually been 
signed and was ready for despatch. In view, 
however, of the necessity for the most absolute 
regularity in matters of business, we suspended 
payment until we had again communicated 
with the firm. 

6 In consequence of these irregularities on 
the part of the contractors, and the regrettable 
error on the part of the Public Works with 
reference to the two pounds, the cheque was 
not actually transmitted until 30th September. 
But I think that your Excellency will agree 
that in no respect was the Treasury in fault.' 

And this is his triumphant justification. The 
real difficulty in these cases is to keep one's 
temper. Putting a severe restraint on myself, 
I ask him if he is aware that the result of all 
this is, that the work has been delayed and 
that the Government directly and indirectly 
has lost probably some thousands of pounds. 
Has it not occurred to his highly-trained intel- 
lect that we might have paid the contractors, 
in the month of May, ten thousand one hundred 



76 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

and four pounds, holding back the payment of 
the two pounds until we were satisfied that they 
were also due to the contractors ? 

No, he must admit, it had not. His busi- 
ness is to adhere to the regulations, and this he 
submits he has done, and he is very sorry, etc. 

I realise it is no use trying to get this type 
of man to see the relative importance of these 
matters. 

The rest of the interview is unpleasant. 

The third official of the three I have selected 
is illustrative of another class altogether. 

He is Morcos Bey Tadros of the Lands Depart- 
ment. He is nearly blind, filthily dirty, and 
appears to be between three and four hundred 
years old. 

He has come, he informs me with many un- 
couth gestures of salutation, by the Controller's 
request, to explain to me the case of the land 
required for the site of the new hospital. The 
matter, which I happen to know about, is in 
reality simple enough, as far as we are con- 
cerned. 

Three quarters of the new site belong to us 
already, but the fourth is in the actual posses- 
sion of four different people, and claimed by a 
fifth, a princess, who declares (though I think 
it is doubtful) that it was given her by the 
Government in the days of the Khedive Ismail, 
who apparently stole it from some one else. 

The obvious and only way out of the difficulty 
is to appropriate the land, pay the full value 
into Court, and let the claimants fight for it. 



OFFICE— PART III, AND LUNCH 77 

But Morcos Bey won't admit any such simple 
solution. He carefully and fully relates the 
histories of the four present possessors and their 
families, and the exact way in which each of 
the four says he obtained possession of his land, 
and the method by which he actually accom- 
plished this ; the various negotiations and law- 
suits which have taken place between the 
princess and all four possessors collectively and 
individually ; how the princess alleges she ob- 
tained her land, and by what arts this was 
really effected ; if, as she maintains, the land 
does belong to her, what claims her three hus- 
bands deceased had during their brief unhappy 
reigns, and how far those claims have descended 
to their children. 

He then goes into the way in which the land 
originally fell into the hands of the Government ; 
whether Ismail stole it in whole or part, and 
whether he gave any compensation for its 
seizure. He gives a short disquisition on the 
usual methods by which that potentate acquired 
land, and he is starting on an account of the 
early life of the man from whom Ismail stole 
the property when I stop him. He is obviously 
disappointed, as he has only touched the fringe 
of his subject, so to speak, and he is almost 
openly disgusted when I tell him what action 
I am going to take. 

What he would like to do would be to begin a 
dozen or so lawsuits, and, after ten years' strenu- 
ous litigation, obtain the land for double what 
it will cost us now ; by which time we should 



78 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

have forgotten what we wanted it for. His 
knowledge is immense, his cunning and resources 
of the finest quality, but he only cares for a 
case while it is in a tangle, and his grimy old 
fingers are following up the threads to find the 
ends. 

For a man of unlimited leisure who liked play- 
ing twelve games of chess at once, and who 
hoped to live to be a thousand years old, he 
would be an ideal land agent. For us his chief 
merit is that we can make use of the mass of 
knowledge concerning all the land swindles in 
Egypt for the past forty years, which he carries 
in his frowsy, ill-kempt old head. 

He gropes his way out to return to his office 
and begin on some other labyrinthine question. 

The interviews go on, and the last official 
waiting to see me has just fled from my just 
wrath, which has been drawn down on him by 
his insertion of a paragraph in a letter which 
might form a precedent for deciding the amount 
of pension due to his aunt's second cousin's hus- 
band in a more favourable way than is otherwise 
likely, when I remember that I promised to lunch 
with Dorder. 

Now I always object on principle to going 
out to lunch. It always results in an unseemly 
scuffle at the end of the morning to get things 
finished up, and causes general discomfort ; 
however, I promised Dorder to go to his lunch, 
which, he informed me in his own nervous 
English, is going to be a ' corker, 5 whatever a 
corker may be. It is curious that, though one 



OFFICE— PART III, AND LUNCH 79 

sternly refuses to accept the lunches one would 
like to go to, one cannot decline to help a friend 
who, by his own folly, has succeeded in collect- 
ing a number of hopelessly uncongenial human 
beings under his roof. 

Anyhow it is the custom, and he who follows 
not custom in the East is a fool ; so I tear down- 
stairs, upsetting a valued public servant at each 
turn of the stairs, murmuring apologies in any 
language I remember at the second, and jump 
into the nearest cab, which apparently had been 
retained for a portly notable, who is waddling 
thitherward from the door of the Ministry of Inte- 
rior, giving vent to shrill cries of anger and distress 
at this high-handed act. I pretend to think these 
are only greetings ; and I courteously acknow- 
ledge them whilst the driver starts his horses 
off at a gallop. When I last see the notable, 
who has at length recognised me, and who is 
the proud possessor of a land claim against 
the Government of a particularly nebulous kind, 
he has changed his peacock-like screams of rage 
for a torrent of salutations backed by an obse- 
quious smile. 

After imperilling the lives and limbs of various 
liege subjects of Effendina, as well as those of 
representatives of most of the foreign Powers, 
we arrive at Dorder's exactly twenty minutes 
late. Luckily Border is not one of the Anglo- 
Indian or stiff variety of officials, or this un- 
punctuality would rankle for months. 

I drop some piastres into the very filthy hand 
of the driver, and bolt up the steps into the hall. 



80 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

They have not gone in, as I hear them talking 
in the drawing-room. 

The Berberine servant announces me with 
severe simplicity as ' Sisely,' and then adds 
my office in Arabic. I am sure those who 
have heard are convinced that my surname 
is ' Malia ' (Finance), which is the last word he 
pronounced. 

I was called by this name for the whole of the 
lunch by an American lady, and I never had 
the courage to tell her she was wrong. 

It certainly looks a ' corker,' this lunch. I 
am hurriedly introduced, and we go in. There 
are twelve of us, including Border and myself. 
Let us see w T ho 's here. First, three Americans 
— Papa, an extinct business volcano ; Mama, 
well preserved, loud, awful ; daughter, very 
pretty, less loud, less awful. From the quality 
of drawl and the amount of nose in it, I think 
they come from the North. 

Next item, middle-aged gentleman and lady, 
English, with oldish daughter. I fear the father 
and daughter take a deep interest in Egypt. I 
smell theories and statistics. 

Item, Mollington of the Agency, ' roped in ' 
like myself, but next the pretty American, and 
prepared to make the best of it. Item, Austrian 
Dip., nice looking, well dressed, and a friend of 
mine. Item, Mr. and Mrs. Cyril Cruncher of 
the P.W.D. Cruncher always looks as if he 
had just escaped from being steamed to death 
in a laundry, by crawling out through the 
mangle. Anglo-Indian, full of fever, pains, and 



OFFICE— PART III, AND LUNCH 81 

etiquette, but a nice fellow and an Al man at 
his job. Mrs. Cruncher is, to employ Dorder's 
language again, c a holy terror.' I shall catch 
it from her for being late. I really think Border 
might have found some one else to meet the 
Crunchers at lunch ; however, I am in for it 
now. 

I find I am between the English lady and 
Mrs. Cruncher. The Austrian Baron, whose 
name is Sodisky, is on the other side of Mrs. 
Cruncher, and the English lady, Mrs. Stanley 
Merton, has Mollington next her. I see the un- 
happy Cruncher in the clutches of the American 
lady, but he is always resigned and, I know, 
looks upon her as a nervous trouble contracted 
from living in Egypt. 

I hastily turn to Mrs. Merton, leaving the 
Baron to deal with Mrs. Cruncher. Mrs. Merton 
begins the conversation by plaintively bewail- 
ing that cruel fate, acting through the theoretical 
husband and daughter, has driven her from her 
happy home to wander in insanitary places. 

6 1 cannot say, Lord Edward, that I really 
enjoy travelling perhaps as much as I ought to 
do. I was never accustomed to travel when I 
was young, and I am afraid I prefer my home ; 
but my husband and Sophia are so interested 
in Egypt, that they determined to see it, and, as 
I could not well stay at home alone, I came too. 
I am sure it is all very interesting, but, for my 
part, I think it a pity to leave England in the 
winter, when I have so many things to see to 
in the parish. I never really studied Egyptian 



82 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

history, or it might have been more interesting 
for me. Of course one knows a small portion 
of it from the Bible, though that, I am sorry to 
say, my husband maintains is of doubtful his- 
torical accuracy. How they can possibly tell if 
this be so or not, I cannot imagine. After all, 
I hold what may be called nowadays old-fashioned 
views, and I would much sooner trust the 
Prophet Moses than a German professor of 
whom I have never heard, and who is very pro- 
bably a spy like the rest of his nation. I must 
also admit that I find hotel life very trying. I 
am sure that one meets all sorts of people one 
had much better not meet, and the cooking is 
so unwholesome and so greasy. After all, our 
health is most important, whatever they may 
say, and, though I am sure you may think me 
very unenterprising, I prefer to be well and 
happy in my own home to seeing a Sphinx or a 
Pyramid, and being in bed for a month after- 
wards — in dreadful pain too very likely.' (And 
so on.) 

I feel immensely relieved. She is just the 
sort of old lady I love, and I think if I can only 
get her on her own home life it will be quite a 
pleasant lunch ; but I am reckoning without 
Mrs. Cruncher. 

I have just succeeded in finding out that 
Mrs. Merton comes from Devonshire, and knows 
a lot of people I either know or have heard 
of, is an ardent Imperialist after my own 
heart, and has a good deal to say on all rural 
topics, when Mrs. Cruncher, who is obviously 



OFFICE— PART III, AND LUNCH 83 

not getting on with the Baron, opens on my 
right flank. 

6 We have not seen much of you this year, 
Lord Edward. I suppose you are very busy 
in the Finance — too busv to remember about 
calling.' 

I hastily begin to excuse myself, which is 
just what the old cat is waiting for. 

6 Ah, I thought you did not leave those cards 
yourself. I said to Cyril I was sure Mrs. Delaney 
left them with hers. It is curious how manners 
have changed. It used to be thought quite the 
rudest thing one could do.' 

I try to explain again in a hopeless way, 
making matters considerably worse. 

' Oh, I am sure you meant no rudeness, Lord 
Edward, but people seem so much more busy 
than they used to be. Lord Cromer and Sir 
William Garstin always found time to pay a 
personal call.' 

Old liar ! I don't believe either ever did 
more than send a card by an under sub-assistant 
private secretary, but I cannot say so. 

6 1 suppose, too, it is considered right for a 
married woman — a young married woman — to 
leave gentlemen's cards for them. In my day 
it would have been considered fast, to say the 
least of it.' 

Now, hang it all, I shall lose my temper in a 
moment and be rude, but am saved from this 
further humiliation by the Baron, who, smiling 
agreeably, comes to my rescue. 

6 In my country we leave cards only on old 



84 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

ladies, so there you would be even more un- 
fortunate.' 

He is a fine liar and a genial one. He races 
off before Mrs. Cruncher recovers from the 
compliment, which must have been the first 
she has heard for fifteen years at least, and 
pours into her ears, in very daring and remark- 
able English, a complete account (imaginary) 
of social life and observances in a garrison 
town in Hungary, from which country he comes, 
whilst I get back to Devonshire and a twentieth 
century edition of Cranford, but, alas, with all 
my nerves on edge. 

The feeling passes off, however, and by the 
time the sweet comes round, I am fairly com- 
fortable again. Mollington now starts talking to 
Mrs. Merton about some mutual friends and 
connections, and is disputing quite warmly 
whether Mrs. Merton's niece's husband is his 
second cousin twice removed or not. Miss 
Merton is extracting information from Dorder, 
till one expects her to swell up like a spider 
sucking a fly. The American harpy is parading 
her titled friends before Cruncher, who is re- 
garding her with patient dislike. Mr. Merton 
is explaining to the American girl his views on 
the American Constitution, which she is receiv- 
ing as dull impertinence, and is actually yawning 
in his face ; whilst the extinct volcano sits 
brooding over the extra millions he might have 
made if he had remained active. 

There is a lull in the talking, and the Baron's 
distinct and metallic voice is clearly heard. 



OFFICE— PART III, AND LUNCH 85 

' I said to her, you are English, you must 
be kind; I am uncovered, and when you have 
no covering in strange what you call routs ? 
— no ? — societies, no — parties ? yes, it is very 
uncomfortable . ' 

I dare not look at Mrs. Cruncher, who I 
expect is looking like a horrified cat. 

' She was very good,' continues the Baron 
fearlessly. ' She showed me round and intro- 
duced some to me and I was soon very well,' 
continues the Baron, undismayed. ' You do 
not know her ? Mrs. Gairrner ? ' 

Hooray ! If he has been talking like that I 
expect Mother Cruncher has had a poor time. 
She will never ' spot ' he means ' protect ' when 
he says ' cover.' 

The cigarettes now make their appearance, 
and we adjourn to the balcony. 

I want to get away, as Mrs. Delaney promised 
to play golf with me, on condition that I should 
be on the first tee at 3.15 sharp. She probably 
won't be there till four, but still it is not worth 
risking. I edge towards Border to tell him, 
when Mr. Merton bears down on me with cold 
determination, and a sort of your-information- 
or-your-life look on his face. Confound it ! If 
only that American girl had not snubbed him 
so, he might still be talking to her. I confide 
desperately in the Baron, but it is too late. 
Mr. Merton has pinned me against a Musharabia 
screen, and begins. 

4 1 was hoping to have the opportunity of 
getting a few words with you, Lord Edward, 



86 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

and I am sure you will not mind if I ask you a 
few questions on a subject which has been 
recently brought again to my notice, and that 
is the relative positions of the English and 
native officials in the Egyptian Government.' 

I murmur something which is happily drowned 
in Mr. Merton's sonorous tones. 

c Of course you are as well aware as I am of 
the deep interest that is taken in this subject 
by all Englishmen who have devoted any time 
to the consideration of Egyptian questions. 
Now, frankly, do you not consider that the 
number of English high officials employed in 
Egypt is more than is necessary ? ' 

I begin to ask him what he means by neces- 
sary, when he continues : 

' I quite understand that it must be far 
pleasanter for you to work with your fellow- 
Englishmen, but is it fair on Egypt ? 

6 1 have talked recently with ' (to, I expect, 
would be nearer the truth) ' several quite intelli- 
gent native gentlemen, and listened, I trust 
impartially, to what they had to say, and I 
must say they make out a very strong case 
for themselves. Of course you won't mind my 
saying that they probably speak more freely 
and openly to me than they would to a man 
in an official position, like yourself. It is also 
my good fortune to be able, usually, to extract 
the views of Orientals on such subjects, and I 
think that they really meant what they said. 

'They said that the want of a greater pro- 
portion of natives among the higher officials of 



OFFICE— PART III, AND LUNCH 87 

the Government was responsible for the very 
regrettable anti-English feeling which has shown 
itself once or twice lately. 

4 For instance, the superintendence of the 
gathering of the revenue, they declared, would 
be far better carried out by people who really 
understand the mind of the peasant than by 
foreigners, and they also pointed out how de- 
grading to their self-respect this system of 
foreign inspection and control is. 

6 As one of them, Mustapha Bey El Masri, 
said to me, " I am a member of their clubs, 
they play bridge with me, they treat me as a 
man of honour, but they will not trust me with 
the public money, which, to a true patriot like 
myself, is as sacred as the fortune of his father." ' 

Precisely so. I should like to see old Sulei- 
man Pasha trusting Mustapha with a crooked 
sixpence. 

If this goes on I shall scream. What a blatant 
ass the man is. I am almost in despair when 
the Baron, the blessed Baron, marches up with 
a genial smile, and says : 

' My dear Lord, you told me not to let charm- 
ing conversation make you not remember the 
Prince waits at three, and His Highness loves 
not to attend, you know.' 

I excuse myself to Merton, who is quite non- 
plussed, and, nodding to Border, slip away before 
any one else can seize me. 

6 Hold back, 5 says the Baron, ' I come too.' 

When we get outside, I thank the Baron 
warmly. He waves my thanks aside and says : 



88 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

' It is nothing. With your fat Radical, a Prince 
is better, so I say Prince. Those fellows, we 
have them too in Austria. They are devilish 
bore. I am very fond of Dorder ; I have known 
him many years, in Paris, in London, in Vienna, 
but I go no more to his lunches.' And so we 
part. 



CHAPTER VI 

GOLF 

A fair description of a great portion of one's 
life in the Army was often said to be hurrying 
to somewhere to wait for hours for some one 
else, and I think this is true of life in Cairo as 
well. One rushes away from lunch, tumbles into 
one's flannels, gallops down to the Sporting Club, 
to wait patiently for half an hour till, say, Mrs. 
Delaney turns up. One only hopes that she 
will not be later than this, as after that the 
waiting becomes wearisome, and she will pro- 
bably blame you for her own unpunctuality. 

In the meantime, having secured one's caddy 
and put one's name down, there is nothing for 
it but to wait and watch the other players start 
on their ' daily round.' 

The Golf Links is common ground on which 
all sets meet and to a moderate extent frater- 
nise. The cavalry captain ' tees up ' with the 
Inspector of Interior, and the schoolmaster of 
the Public Instruction exchanges remarks with 
the Scots Guards ensign. 

We are very particular socially in Cairo. There 
is the swagger military set ; there is the smug 
military set. There is the Egyptian Army set ; 
there is the smart official set ; there is the smug 

89 



90 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

official set. There is the smart professional set ; 
there is the smug professional set, and so on. 
One may move in two or even several of those 
sets, but you belong to one. 

The description of Chatham in Pickwick is 
very like Cairo in some ways. You are either 
in the Dockyard or the Garrison, or you are 
not. There is all the narrowness and pro- 
vincialism of an English garrison town with 
the Egyptian and foreign elements intruded. 
The English, unluckily in some ways, luckily 
in others, don't assimilate a foreign body. If 
it is noxious it is got rid of ; if harmless, it is 
included but not assimilated ; so that the 
foreign elements which enter into our daily 
life change nothing in it. Indeed nothing 
changes an Englishman's life. Jules Verne's 
description — in Hector Servadac, I think — of the 
English garrison which is carried off on a comet, 
and which, when the days and nights are reduced 
to six hours each, continues to eat three meals 
a day, and live on as if nothing had happened, 
is a happy caricature of our nature. 

Whilst waiting, one watches with amuse- 
ment the stand-offish manner of the Inspector 
of Interior, speaking to the young Public In- 
struction boy, and one knows that presently 
one will see the latter treat a junior commercial 
with the same edifying hauteur. 

Ninety per cent, at least of the men out here 
are good fellows and capable men, but they some- 
times conceal these facts with wonderful care. 
Under the nerve-irritating Egyptian conditions all 



GOLF 91 

our natural eccentricities assume abnormal pro- 
portions. Our vanity becomes childish ; swelled 
head is as common a disease as freckles, and we 
are as ready to take offence as an Irish fire-eater 
of the seventeen hundreds. But these defects 
are mostly on the surface ; inwardly we are 
aware that Egypt is not always of first- or even 
second-rate importance, and to be of import- 
ance in Egypt is like the rank in the Army 
which is described as ' local and temporary.' 
If we are haughty at times, the least touch of 
misfortune, sickness, or the realities of life re- 
moves the childish assumption at once. If we 
run each other down in conversation, we esteem 
one another warmly in our hearts. It should 
be a comfort to a junior if he ever feels aggrieved 
by the manners of those further up the ladder, 
which leads to retirement at Cheltenham or 
Tunbridge Wells on a bare competence, that in 
the mind of the aggressor the junior is superior 
to every foreigner or native that has ever 
existed. 

Mrs. Delaporte Stokes, who is preparing at 
this moment to put her partner into the first 
bunker, talks only to the best official set, if 
possible about the Peerage. She naturally 
passes much of her time alone. 

When young Bloggs of the Public Instruc- 
tion, who is a frank and refreshing bounder, got 
fever at Assiout in the midsummer, ' Mother 
Delstock,' as we profanely call her, packed up 
her bag without a word, and went and nursed 
him like a mother till she pulled him through. 



92 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

She even discovered a peerage connection for 
Bloggs, to that worthy's huge amusement, which 
has made social intercourse on a limited scale 
between him and Mrs. Delaporte Stokes possible. 

Mrs. Bollinger, whose propriety is as pure, 
cold, and disagreeable as driven snow, and who 
cuts any one as 6 fast ' on the slightest provo- 
cation, took that little idiot of a Mrs. Dewar, 
when she got into a real mess, into her house, 
and kept her there under the aegis of her driven- 
snow reputation until the storm had blown over, 
and Dewar could be induced to believe a bene- 
volent and highly improbable explanation of 
the whole affair. 

Of course, with brilliant exceptions, no doubt 
the women are to a certain extent second-rate ; 
their conversation is not brilliant, and they 
are inclined to keep up appearances at the 
cost of comfort. Their personal appearance is 
rarely pleasing — climate and anxiety have seen 
to that; and their clothes, well, all that can 
usually be said of them is that in the daytime, 
at all events, they are amply sufficient for the 
requirements of decency. Their qualities that 
matter are on a different plane. For genuine 
kindness, real warmth of heart, noble uncom- 
plaining devotion to their husbands and children, 
they are as a rule above criticism. Poor things, 
many of them, military and civil, have never 
had a home of their own since they married ; 
the climate, which is unpleasant for the man, 
means sickness and pain to them. They must 
leave the delicate child they love at home, 



GOLF 93 

and too often must watch those they love with 
them wither because they are too poor to send 
them away. Their very bread depends on the 
often frayed and slender thread of their hus- 
band's life, and their daily existence is one long 
struggle to make the two ends meet. 

And yet they face it all bravely with a smile, 
keep Jack or Joe going, hearten him up for the 
long ladder climb, and are as cheerful and fond 
of amusement as their sisters anywhere else. 

The one great idea of both men and women 
who live abroad is to get a home in England. 
When an official of a certain rank asks one 
with a somewhat sheepishly beaming face if one 
happens to know this or that district of England, 
I always know what has happened. 

He informs you that he has bought a cottage 
and an acre or two of land. Freehold (it must be 
freehold), with a good garden for the ' Sitt ' (wife). 
It has cost a good deal, and he does not know 
whether he was justified in doing it, but still it 's 
done now, and the ' Sitt ' is delighted with it. Of 
course it is a remarkably charming part of the 
country, and the house itself is curiously enough 
exactly what he has been looking for for years, 
etc. With the men this is amusing, with the 
women infinitely pathetic. 

No, I admit you 're not much to look at, 
Ladies, and you don't shine at Home, but I 
take my hat off with my deepest bow to you all 
the same. 

And, all things considered, if your conversa- 
tion is dull, it is rarely empty. You don't talk 



94 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

clever to talk clever. You have had far too 
much experience of the real pain, trouble, and 
sorrow of life to play at it. You have often 
seen a good deal of the world with its good and 
bad. You have lived real lives, not sham ones, 
and your views and thoughts are the result of 
actual experience, and not made up in a hothouse 
by electric light. 

At this point in this well-beaten track of my 
thoughts I take out my watch. I grieve to say 
that Mrs. Delaney, instead of, as one might 
have expected, being on the tee to the minute, 
in order to get as much of my charming com- 
pany as possible, is now thirty-four minutes 
late, and there is no sign of her coming. At 
this moment, pretty Mrs. Fitzpatrick, with the 
inevitable captain in attendance, appears in 
the distance. She is a widow, and comes out 
every winter to stay with a married sister of 
hers who lives here. She has a peculiar attrac- 
tion for captains. The present aspirant is 
Bentley of the 30th Hussars. How she can 
stand him I cannot think. He is like a heavy 
dragoon on the stage. I rise and greet her, 
and she explains with a certain shade of annoy- 
ance that she has been looking for me every- 
where. I apologise for not being there, and 
she explains that Mrs. Delaney has been raided 
by Towrows (tourist friends have come to 
lunch) and cannot come, so she (Mrs. Delaney) 
asked Mrs. Fitzpatrick to play with me, but 
she (Mrs. Fitzpatrick) told her that she was 
playing with Captain Bentley, and so she could 



GOLF 95 

not play with me, but then she (Mrs. Fitzpatrick) 
remembered that she had also promised to play 
with Captain Browning because Captain Bentley 
had not reminded her, so she (Mrs. Fitzpatrick) 
had written a second note to Mrs. Delaney, 
saying that she (Mrs. Fitzpatrick) would play 
with me and make up a foursome, but her 
(Mrs. Fitzpatrick's) servant had gone out and 
the boy had been sent with the note, and she is 
not sure if she (Mrs. Delaney) ever got it, and 
perhaps she (Mrs. Delaney) has made other 
arrangements, as she said she was going to ask 
Miss Hopper to play with me, if she (Mrs. Delaney) 
could get no one else ; and now she (Mrs. Fitz- 
patrick) rather thinks she herself was engaged 
to tea with the Arlfords at four at Abbasieh, and 
to go camel-riding afterwards. What had she 
better do ? and is not it stupid of Captain 
Bentley and that tiresome Captain Browning ? 

I agree that their action is intolerable, and 
say that she 'd much better play golf, as perhaps 
her engagement at Abbasieh is for another 
day. I am glad it 's not more complicated 
than that ; to try to follow Mrs. Fitzpatrick's 
arrangements would undermine the strongest 
intellect. She never keeps more than one out 
of every three engagements she makes, but she 
is very pretty, and has a happy-go-lucky sunny 
nature which pulls her out of all the tangles 
she weaves round herself. Her general atti- 
tude is a sort of amazed contempt for the stupidity 
of people who are so dull as not to be able to 
follow the straight and simple course of her 



96 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

life. She is quite charming, but I am not sure 
Fitzpatrick's death after a month's marriage 
was not due to his finding out what he was ' in 
for. 5 

At this moment Browning turns up with his 
best smile on, and it has all to be explained to 
him again. He is a dull fellow, and after a 
feeble effort to resent the way he has been 
treated, sinks into a sort of mazed condition. 
What obviously beats him is why he is to blame. 

I point out politely that we must start if we 
want to play even nine holes before dark, and 
Mrs. Fitzpatrick agrees with some warmth, 
implying that it is very unfair for inconsiderate 
people to keep a hard, even over-worked woman 
like her waiting. 

She decides with feminine acuteness to play 
with me, so that the other two are treated equally 
badly, and there can be no grumbling. The 
decision is received in gloomy silence by the 
captains, and we start off. 

She would play quite a good game if she 
ever thought of it for two minutes together, 
but she enjoys it all so much, and looks so nice 
while she is doing it, that she quite disarms all 
criticisms even on her interpretation of the 
rules of golf. I am not sure on reflection if it 
is an interpretation at all. I think it is rather 
a substitution of her own rules. 

A few of the more salient are : 

If she moves the ball less than five yards, or 
misses it altogether, she did not mean to, and 
it does not count. 



GOLF 97 

If she is not satisfied with a longer shot, she 
may have it back on the formal — purely formal 
— consent of the other players being obtained. 

If a ball lies badly, the ground should be 
carefully scraped away till the ball is teed up. 

All grass, branches, etc., that are in the way 
of herself or her dress must be torn away. 

Extra strokes in a bunker don't count. 

The maximum of strokes she can count at 
any hole is six ; if the opponents are playing 
well this figure is liable to reduction. 

If you have no morals and understand the 
game it is quite interesting, but it shocks Browning 
terribly. 

To soothe his injured feelings, Mrs. Fitzpatrick 
makes an appeal to him to coach her as we go 
round, ' as he plays so well ' ; and he looks 
better, while Bentley sinks into a more stolid 
gloom. 

I am playing well, and Mrs. Fitzpatrick 
amuses me hugely. She and I always enjoy 
everything we do together, so the game pro- 
gresses very comfortably as far as we are con- 
cerned. With the others it 5 s different. They 
both play badly, and are inclined to ' snick ' at 
one another. ' If you had only taken the 
iron to play your second at the last hole we 
should have been up in three, 5 from Browning. 
6 My dear fellow, how could I when your shot 
was unluckily sliced into that awful ground,' 
etc., from Bentley ; and so on. 

At the fifth hole we have our first serious 
contretemps. Mrs. Fitzpatrick, who is advisedly 



98 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

not satisfied with the way in which she is driving, 
asks Browning to come and put her right. 
Browning gives her a short lecture on driving, 
and ends up by deciding her feet are in the 
wrong position. ' You should turn the left 
toe out more, 5 he says, moving round behind 
her, with the intention of showing where exactly 
it should be. Mrs. Fitzpatrick rightly thinks 
that she has had advice enough, and wrongly 
that the lecture is over. Before I can say any- 
thing, up goes her club, and the Captain reels 
back a stricken man. Well, it is lucky it only 
touched him above the eye, but he will have a 
fine black pair to-morrow, I expect. He takes 
it very well, though, of course, it does not exactly 
cheer him up. Mrs. Fitz is cut to the heart 
and apologises so prettily that it would be 
almost worth getting a black eye for ; but the 
effect wears off in a few minutes, and at the 
next hole she confides in me that it was very 
stupid of him to get in the way, and that, although 
she is sorry she hurt him, he really almost 
deserved it, as he entirely spoilt her stroke 
and put her off her game. Browning's woe- 
begone look as he stumps along, dabbing his 
eyebrow with a handkerchief, also makes her 
laugh so that she can scarcely conceal it. 

At the seventh hole a worse fate befalls 
another of the party. Here we cross the big 
ditch, which is six feet deep and half full of 
water. Browning's stroke does not quite clear 
the ditch, but sticks on the inside of the further 
bank about a foot from the top. Bentley does 



GOLF 99 

not want to try to play the ball, as he says it is 
impossible, but Browning maintains that if he 
puts one foot here and one foot there, and digs 
his heels well in, he can stand all right and get 
the ball out. Bentley at last grudgingly con- 
sents to try, and with much difficulty gets him- 
self into the paralytic position indicated by his 
partner. Mrs. Fitz is watching the proceed- 
ing with intense interest, because, owing to 
certain mishaps which have occurred to us, our 
only chance of winning the hole is that Bentley 
should fail to get the ball out. 

' I hope he won't,' she murmurs ; ' oh, I hope 
he won't ! Perhaps he will fall in,' she sug- 
gests with a radiant smile. The next minute 
the unhappy Bentley, still unwisely following 
Browning's directions, makes a wild slash at 
the ball with the niblick, loses his balance, 
throws his arms up in the air with a gesture 
of despair, and falls with a mighty splash flat 
on his back in the middle of the ditch. Mrs. 
Fitz gives a wild scream of triumph, which is 
changed into expressions of alarm, and again, 
when the unhappy Bentley crawls out covered 
from head to foot with a rich brown mud, into 
burst after burst of uncontrollable laughter. 

Bentley stands, trying to look dignified, while 
Browning and the caddies make ineffectual 
attempts to scrape him with bits of wood. No 
human dignity can withstand, however, a bath 
of brown mud. Mrs. Fitz, after mastering her 
mistimed expression of amusement, condoles with 
Bentley with much skill, but rather spoils it by 



100 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

suggesting that he should run home to avoid a 
chill instead of driving. I can see the immacu- 
late Captain trotting past the Savoy, with all 
the smart tourists looking on, in his present 
condition. 

He retires sadly to the club-house to make 
himself as presentable as he can for his home- 
ward drive. 

We try to play the next hole ; but as Brown- 
ing can now only see with difficulty, and will 
explain how Bentley ought to have played the 
fatal stroke, which reduces Mrs. Fitz to nearly 
hysterical laughter, our efforts are not very 
successful, and we decide to abandon the match, 
which by the ordinary old-fashioned golf reckon- 
ing is divided, though by Mrs. Fitz's method 
we are five up. 

When we reach the club-house Mrs. Fitz 
suddenly asks Browning if he would mind taking 
her driver to the professional, and asking him 
to rebind it and put a new grip on, as he, Brown- 
ing, understands just what she wants. Directly 
he is gone she says we must have tea in the 
back verandah, where he won't find her, because 
he is so tiresome, and she is so cross with him 
for wetting poor Captain Bentley through. 'It 
was very tiresome of them both, 5 she says, 'to 
spoil our afternoon in the way they did.' I 
feebly remonstrate on her perfidy, but meekly 
follow her to tea. Here I look at the clock and 
see I must be getting back to change for my 
committee. Mrs. Fitz is outraged. She says 
she has never heard of such an idea as asking 



GOLF 101 

a lady to tea, and then pretending that one 
has a committee ; which she is sure will get on 
much better without me. I am just beginning 
to argue this point when she asks me what the 
time is. I reply, five-thirty. 

6 Good gracious ! ' she says, ' I asked a whole 
lot of people to tea at five; we must go at 
once. Why did you not tell me it was so 
late ? ' 

We hurry out of the club. Mrs. Fitz casts 
her eye round and then walks straight to a motor 
which is standing near. 

' Would you like a lift ? ' she says airily. 

I thank her, saying it will be very convenient, 
as I am so late, and off we go. 

6 Whose motor is this ? ' I ask casually, as 
we turn out of the gate ; c surely it is Browning's. 5 

Mrs. Fitz laughs softly to herself. ' Is not it 
fun ? ' she says ; ' we 've left him behind ! ' 

6 Well,' I say rather blankly, ' of course it 
has its humorous side, but what will he say ? ' 

■ Oh, nothing much ; besides, I can tell him 
you wanted to get home quick, and persuaded 
me to come.' 

We pull up at my door as she says this, and 
I feel that it is no good remonstrating with any 
one of so little moral sense, so I go up to change 
and she drives away gaily to meet her starving 
guests. 



CHAPTER VII 

COMMITTEE 

Contrary to my expectations, I find, when I 
arrive at the Ministry, that I am the first member 
of the committee who has reached the meet- 
ing place. We have a mania in this country 
for committees, and we have them of all sorts 
and kinds. There are standing committees, 
special committees, interdepartmental com- 
mittees, departmental committees, and so forth. 
They all waste time, but are not without their 
compensations for those whose sense of humour 
is properly developed. 

The members are usually of different nation- 
alities, and business is conducted either in the 
tongue each one knows best, or in what we 
call ' French. 5 Our ' French ' is the most re- 
markable language, except perhaps pidgin 
English, in the world. It should be spoken 
with a strong accent of your own to show your 
independence, and is a literal, or as near literal 
as one can manage, translation into French of 
the words of your own language in the order 
they usually occur. If you don't know the 
French for any word, you can either say it in 
your own tongue rather loud (to help the be- 
nighted foreigner to understand), or you can 
use any French word of a somewhat similar 

102 



COMMITTEE 103 

sound, if not meaning ; or again you can simply 
gallicise the word itself by giving it what is 
here believed to be a French pronunciation, 
thus enriching that restricted language with a 
new word. 

Each sentence becomes, under this system, a 
most interesting riddle, and the conduct of a 
discussion on highly technical matters a task 
worthy of the quickest brain. 

Our committee this evening is one of the 
standing variety, and is for the nominal pur- 
pose of considering and advising upon the 
granting of concessions to individuals and com- 
panies by our illustrious Government. Our 
President is Mohammed Pasha Ahmed, Minister 
of Arts and Crafts. 

Placing him at the head of that particular 
Ministry was one of those subtle strokes of 
humour for which this Government is justly 
famous. He is by origin the son of a small 
landowner, and entered the Government service 
at eighteen. He climbed laboriously up one of 
the Government Departments, into which he got 
in some mysterious way, until he was created 
a judge. 

His reign was brief, though, it is said, very 
lucrative. He reduced the system of criminal 
justice in the country to a simple tariff of prepaid 
fines to himself. 

Though this was well known, as nothing what- 
ever could be proved against him, amid the tears 
of the criminal population, he was promoted to 
the Director- Generalship of the Department of 



104 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

Charity and Trust Lands. This was a stroke 
of genius. Elsewhere, even among his fellows, 
his tendency to reduce all transactions of the 
Government to equivalent cash payments must 
have excited the envy of his fellows, and laid 
him open to carping criticism. 

In the Trust Department he was scarcely, if 
at all, remarkable. This Department, which 
has a semi-religious position, has been kept 
clean of all Christian contamination, and is 
personally managed by the highest in the land. 
It is thought to be grasping and avaricious to 
hold the appointment of Director- General for 
more than a few years. 

When the last new Ministry but three was 
formed, an idea got about that the large land- 
holders must be represented in it. His Excel- 
lency, who, as I have hinted, is an excellent 
man of business, had invested his hardly gained 
savings in land, and was now full of riches and 
honours. He was very well looked upon in the 
highest quarters, having always been careful to 
leave to them their proverbial share in any little 
profit that accrued from the administration of 
the Trust lands. 

Unluckily, all the Ministries but that of Arts 
and Crafts were filled. It was at first sight not 
an ideal appointment, but it was remembered 
that often the head of a Department is rather 
hampered than otherwise by technical know- 
ledge, and he was duly appointed. He certainly 
came to his duties with an open mind. 

Personally, I have a sneaking affection for 



COMMITTEE 105 

him, as he has the rough, rather jolly way of 
the peasant, which contrasts very favourably 
with the oily, snake-like manner of the town- 
bred Egyptian, and he has a sense of humour 
of an elementary kind. His philosophy of life 
has been to judge all men, irrespective of race 
or creed, by what service they can be to him 
in carrying out his life -task of adequately 
providing for his numerous family and his 
own old age. This makes him less antagonistic 
to the Christian dogs than his compatriots 
usually are. 

He confided to me once (for we are rather 
friends) that undoubtedly religion was a very 
good thing, but very expensive, and that he 
personally disapproved of people building 
mosques at their own expense in an ostenta- 
tious manner. These things, he said most 
wisely, should be done by the subscription of 
many, so that many may participate in the 
good work. 

He is, in fact, a shrewd, ignorant, jolly ruffian, 
with a kind heart and no conscience. 

Our next member, Morcos Bey Wissa, is a 
very different person. The dark colour, woolly 
hair, wooden expression of countenance, and 
want of personal cleanliness, proclaim him a 
Copt of the Copts. He bears all the marks and 
possesses the vices and virtues of a race that 
has been oppressed for ages. The patient 
manner, the mixture of servility and dignity 
of deportment, and the absolute concealment of 
his personal wishes and feelings, are all charac- 



106 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

teristic of his people. The Copts are liars 
because for years it has been dangerous for 
them to speak the truth ; crooked and cunning 
because by those qualities alone could they get 
a living ; proud in their contempt of the Moslem, 
servile in view of his power to oppress them, 
careless of their personal appearance from ages 
of concealment of their riches by this means. 

The third, Du Chalons Bey, comes of a 
Napoleonic family, and traces his descent from 
a once famous colonel of Chasseurs of that 
date. He still wears the imperial and pointed 
moustachios of the Second Empire period. 

Trim, capable, prolix, amusing, emotional, 
charming in private life, intolerably formal in 
business, he was a valuable official once, but has 
long since ceased to take an interest in anything 
but his pension and his great work on the French 
influence on horticulture in Egypt, of which the 
fifth volume has been in preparation for the 
last ten years, and which goes through endless 
vicissitudes, and needs as many exceptional 
measures and irregular favours as a royal 
protegee. 

The fourth is a hard-headed Scot, with all 
the business capabilities and combativeness of 
his race ; and the fifth is myself. 

Our secretary is a little Syrian, whose nerves 
are unable to stand the strain of dealing per- 
sonally with high officials. Sitting once a week 
for an hour with men who might in some way 
affect his promotion, or give him more or less 
pension, is very trying for him. He is conse- 



COMMITTEE 107 

quen'tly continually making mistakes, for which 
he is rated by the Minister or reproved in the 
best Glaswegian by Macnab. 

His Excellency is the last to arrive. Rolling 
his enormous body through the door, he shakes 
me by the hand, in what he conceives to be the 
English manner, and which is, in fact, the 
kind of handshake which one might give a much- 
loved brother after ten years' separation. 

His Excellency, having complained of the heat 
and mopped his forehead, sinks into a chair, and 
we seat ourselves in our appointed places. 

The secretary, after dropping all his papers 
several times, owing to the agitation of his 
mind, proceeds to deal out to us the ordre du 
jour, which consists of the list of cases sub- 
mitted for consideration. 

This is a formality, as we are all aware what 
cases will be brought before us at the meeting, 
but we look at the paper with interest in our 
various ways. 

The Minister looks at it as if it were the menu 
of a poor dinner. To do his Excellency justice, 
he never even pretends to have any morbid or 
unnatural love of work. 

Macnab examines it as if he would like to 
criticise it, and argue with any one who did not 
share his views. Du Chalons peruses it in a 
strictly official manner, as if he was just going to 
be rude to the general public ; and Morcos Bey, 
the Copt, fixes his eyes on it with that cold, 
expressionless, snake -like stare which gives no 
indication whatever of his thoughts. 



108 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

There are mercifully only three questions sub- 
mitted to-day. 

The first is the petition of one Galipoli, a 
Maltese, for permission to construct, at Man- 
sourah, mooring quays with a market attached, 
and to charge a regular scale of fees for their use. 
He also asks that no similar permission shall be 
given to any one else in that town. For these 
advantages he proposes to pay a certain rent to 
the Government, as well as thirty per cent, of 
the net profits derived. 

The second is a request that the wording of 
the terms of a concession of land, for reclamation 
and sale, granted to an English company ten 
years ago in Behera Province, may be slightly 
altered to meet an administrative difficulty 
which has arisen. 

The third is a petition from one Charles 
Dumourier, a Frenchman, to establish and 
exploit salt-pans on a portion of the sea-coast, 
in the province of Gharbieh, with exclusive rights 
to extract salt from sea- water within that pro- 
vince, the Government to share in the profits 
of the business. 

The Minister, having declared the fare is very 
inferior, fixes his eye on the secretary, and 
says, ' Let us begin ! Come now, be quick ! ' 

The secretary begins in quavering tones to 
gabble out the explanatory note or resume of 
the first question. 

' Is this,' says Macnab in his most deliberate 
manner, ' the first, second, or third question 
which the secretary is reading out ? I have 



COMMITTEE 109 

no objection to taking the questions in any 
order your Excellency may think fit, but I 
should like to know in what order we are going 
to take them. It is quite impossible to tell 
what the secretary is reading when he speaks 
so fast and so indistinctly. 5 

' Quite so,' says the Minister. ' How often, 
Khalil Effendi, have I told you to read slowly 
and distinctly, so that we may be all aware 
what we are doing. Sapristi! You pay no 
attention.' 

The unhappy secretary, who looks as if he 
was in a vapour bath, begins to read the docu- 
ment over again in funereal tones at the rate 
of one word a second. 

' I venture to remark,' says Du Chalons, 
6 that if we proceed at this rate, we shall not 
finish our task before nine in the evening. If 
your Excellency wishes it to be so, I have 
nothing to say, but I draw your attention to 
the point.' 

4 Sapristi ! ' says the Minister. ' Why cannot 
you read properly at a decent pace, neither too 
fast nor too slow ? ' 

The wretched secretary, now having com- 
pletely lost his head and his place, remains 
silent, whereupon the Minister orders him to 
bring the paper to him, which he does with his 
knees knocking together. 

4 Read like this,' says the Minister, with 
paternal dignity. c " One shirt and two pairs of 
socks, one piastre." What is this ? This is not the 
ordre du jour. Are you by chance mocking us ? ' 



110 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

The miserable secretary, in a shaking voice, 
points out that it is the back of the paper which 
his Excellency is looking at, on which he had 
written down a private memorandum — in fact, 
a portion of his washing bill. He is very sorry, 
he did it without thinking. He hopes his 
Excellency 

' A most improper proceeding,' says his Excel- 
lency. ' Washing lists are kept in a washing 
book, not on the back of the ordre du jour of a 
committee of high officials of the Egyptian 
Government, thus causing me, a Minister, to 
read out ridiculous nonsense about shirts and 
socks before the whole committee. 5 

' The secretary will find it better to keep 
things in their proper places, I am thinking,' 
says Macnab. 

6 The affairs of official life should never be 
mixed up with those we treat of in our private 
capacity,' announces Du Chalons sententiously. 
This, from all one hears about his private life, 
is perhaps as well. 

The Copt regards me with his expression- 
less eyes. I understand, and say to the Minister 
that we all make mistakes at times, and that I 
venture to intercede. . . . 

His Excellency, who is really the soul of selfish 
good nature, says, ' Well, well, my dear Lord, let 
us now proceed ; and perhaps you,' turning to 
Du Chalons, ' will not mind reading out the 
explanatory notes, as they are written in 
French. 5 

Du Chalons bows stiffly, and, taking the 



COMMITTEE 111 

paper, reads it as if he were giving us French 
dictation. When he has finished the note or 
resume of the first case, he stops and looks at 
the Minister, and again bows. 

The Minister smiles genially at the members 
generally, and asks us what we think of it. It 
seems fairly simple ; we want a market, and 
here is a man who will build one. He will 
himself express no opinion, but would like to 
hear what we think. 

Macnab would like, before expressing any 
opinion, to ask a few questions, and then off he 
starts. He wants to know, in the first place, 
what a concession is, and if this falls in with 
the definition accepted. Secondly, what is 
meant by a market, whether the question of a 
market and a mooring quay are indissolubly 
connected or not, and so on, point by point. 

When he has at length terminated his remarks, 
which have lulled the Minister into a state of 
abstraction, Du Chalons says that he, for his 
part, considers the question a dangerous one, 
very dangerous, and one that demands long and 
careful reflection. 

The Copt says he is not favourably inclined 
to the request. 

4 But why ? ' says his Excellency. 

The Copt says he does not think it a good plan. 

Macnab again starts off, and we enjoy another 
lecture of ten minutes' duration on the merits 
and demerits of the proposal. 

The Minister now looks at me, and I ask the 
Copt if he knows the would-be concessionaire. 



112 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

It is a lucky shot. The Copt says he has 
heard of him. 

And what has he heard of him ? 

That he has had trouble and misfortune. 

' But that is no reason for rejecting his plea,' 
says the Minister. ' We are all liable to mis- 
fortune.' 

The Copt agrees with humility. 

' Perhaps these misfortunes were due to his 
own actions,' I suggest. ' What was their 
nature ? ' 

' He had trouble with the law-courts.' Then, 
turning suddenly on the secretary, he says, 
6 Khalil Effendi knows about it better than I, 
I think.' 

' Well, what do you know,' says the Minister; 
' what were the troubles of this poor man ? ' 

* He had five years' imprisonment for em- 
bezzlement and fraud, I have been told,' stammers 
out the secretary. 

c And why did you not tell us so before, im- 
becile ? ' thunders the Minister. 

6 1 did not know ! I did not think ! I was 
not sure ! ' bleats the secretary. 

I propose the question be adjourned to the 
next meeting, and that further inquiries be 
made about the character of the applicant, 
and especially if he has been convicted of a 
criminal offence. 

' It was 1905 — March 1905,' murmurs the 
Copt quietly. 

We pass on to the next question, in spite of 
an obvious tendency on the part of Macnab to 



COMMITTEE 113 

argue the question as to whether we should be 
influenced by the testimony of the secretary, 
who is not properly a member of the committee. 

I open the next question after it has been 
duly read out by Du Chalons, and explain 
that this is in reality a formal matter. 

The concessionaires wish to alter the wording 
of Clause 9. The Finance and Public Works have 
no objection to the alteration, which does not pre- 
judicially affect the interests of the Government. 

The Minister says, with an obvious air of 
relief, 6 Good, then we can agree to that. 5 

But if he hopes that we are to get through 
it like that, he is mistaken. 

Macnab discusses the exact meaning of the 
alteration, which, he declares, is highly technical. 

As the concession is in English, all this has 
to be explained to the Minister and Du Chalons 
in Arabic and French, and his Excellency 
gets thoroughly confused over the words 6 herein 
and hereafter,' which he repeats to himself, 
murmuring, ' Now, what does that mean ? ' 
He is also firmly convinced that Macnab is a 
bitter opponent of the alteration. 

Du Chalons first of all repeats his invariable 
formula, that he considers the question a danger- 
ous one, and one that requires full considera- 
tion, and then launches out into an indictment 
of all the British land companies. 

To this Macnab takes exception, and there 
seems no prospect of finishing the question 
for an hour or two. 

Finally, his Excellency suggests that the 



114 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

Copt should give his views. Morcos Bey replies 
humbly that he is not clear who is favourable 
and who is unfavourable to the project. 

' Then,' says his Excellency, ' you have not 
understood. Lord Cecil Pasha is favourable, 
and these gentlemen, 5 indicating them with a 
wave of his pen, ' are against it.' 

6 Pardon me, your Excellency,' says Macnab, ' I 
never said that. In fact, I think the alteration 
is not only desirable, but absolutely necessary.' 

6 Tiens ! ' says his Excellency, and, 6 M. Du 
Chalons, what is your view, then ? ' 

4 1 will remind your Excellency that though 
I have warned the committee, as it was my 
duty to do, that the question is a dangerous 
one, I have never expressed an unfavourable 
opinion on the proposal, which I approve, with 
the reserve which I have made,' is the reply. 

c Then,' says the Minister, ' we are all agreed, 
eh, Morcos Bey ? ' 

That gentleman gives his usual dignified and 
respectful inclination of his head, and we pro- 
ceed to the third, and happily the last, question. 

6 I should never have understood that part 
about " herein and hereafter," ' murmurs the 
Minister to me, as Du Chalons clears his voice 
with an official ' ahem ! ' as a preliminary to 
giving us our third dictation. 

He takes this question in hand, after the usual 
ministerial preliminaries, and at great length 
expatiates on the merits of the scheme. 

Macnab attacks it on the ground that all 
monopolies are bad, and I side with him. 



COMMITTEE 115 

His Excellency agrees with us in turn, to show 
his impartiality, and gives vent to the follow- 
ing statements. That salt is a necessary of life. 
That the sea is salt. That a monopoly grants 
certain advantages to the holder, of which the 
most conspicuous is an absence of competition. 
That salt is sometimes dearer and sometimes 
cheaper, it is also different in quality, etc. 

Du Chalons perorates about French enterprise, 
the French connection with Egypt, Napoleon, 
and so on. 

Macnab delights us with the opinions of 
political economists on monopolies, the price 
of salt, and its commercial value. 

Matters are getting a little too warm to be 
pleasant, especially since Du Chalons spoke 
slightingly of something or some one Scottish. 

My eye falls on the secretary, and I see he 
is in a state of fear and perturbation border- 
ing on insanity. He is trying to screw up his 
courage to do something which he knows will 
bring down the wrath of the united committee 
on his devoted head. 

In a temporary lull, I address Morcos Bey 
and ask him kindly to look at the papers of the 
case, which are lying on the table between him 
and Du Chalons, as I fancy there is some addi- 
tion or rider to the note which he, Du Chalons, 
read out to us. This produces a calm, during 
which the secretary's teeth chatter as Morcos 
Bey very deliberately examines the documents. 

' Your Excellency is perfectly right,' he an- 
nounces, in his passionless voice. ' The law 



116 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

officers of the State, to whom the question 
was submitted, are of opinion that the demand 
is inadmissible, as the ground in question lies 
within the concession area of the Salt Company 
of Egypt, under their lease of twenty years since. 

We all look particularly foolish. We are in- 
clined to blame Du Chalons, until the Minister, 
who has been glaring at the idiotic remnant 
of what was once a man who called himself our 
secretary, demands, in tones suggesting a tidal 
wave and an earthquake, why he did not tell 
us of this. The poor man is long past any 
explanation; he can only gibber about his 
poverty and the size of his family. If he could 
speak it would make matters worse, because 
he would have to admit he did not dare inter- 
rupt either Du Chalons or Macnab. 

' First,' shouts the Minister, ' you make me 
read out about your miserable socks. You 
then let us give markets to thieves, and you 
finally let us discuss for a very long time a 
concession which does not exist. You make me 
late for important matters of which such as 
you know nothing. Go away ! Go ! ' 

The secretary gathers up his papers and flies 
out of the room, dropping fragments of corre- 
spondence as he goes. 

We then roundly abuse him till his Excel- 
lency grows calmer, and says he is not as bad 
as he used to be, and the poor fellow has a 
large family. This means that it is time to 
cease hostilities, and after a little desultory 
conversation we break up. 



CHAPTER VIII 

OFFICE, CLUB, AND DINNER 

When I regain my office I set to work to clear 
up the odds and ends of business which were 
left unfinished this morning, rough out the 
memorandum, and write a short report on the 
pension case for the Agency. I can work 
twice as fast in the evening, when there is no 
one to interrupt me, and I get through • what 
I want to do pretty quickly, and find I have 
still time to write a letter home. 

The main difficulty in writing to one's family 
in England is the choice of subjects. 

If you write about what is happening at home 
or in Europe, the matter has probably been 
forgotten before your letter reaches home. If 
you write about that which is going on here, 
they have either already seen it in the tele- 
grams or newspapers, or they don't understand 
it. Politics in Egypt are such a web of per- 
sonal intrigue and counter-intrigue that unless 
you are intimately acquainted with the subject 
they are impossible to follow. 

There are numberless parties and groups all 
working more or less against each other, and 
forming alliances or quarrelling every second 
day. 

U7 



118 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

To have any clear comprehension of what is 
going on, you must know the present value of 
each individual. Men become important and 
cease to exist politically in the space of a few 
weeks. The changes of opinion and intention 
are bewildering. The Khedive's attitude on 
the first of the month gives you no clue to what 
his attitude will be on the fifteenth. Politics 
with scanty principles and wherein the chief 
mainspring of action is direct personal advan- 
tage, are impossible to follow unless you are 
in constant touch with all their developments. 

The result is that one's letters bear strong 
and rather painful resemblance to those one 
wrote many years ago, which contained the in- 
formation that you were well, that you hoped 
that your correspondent was well, that you 
had chops for dinner to-day, but that yester- 
day you had beef, and so on. 

However, it cannot be helped, so I do my best 
and finish my letter. 

Now there is just time before I must dress 
to get to the club, find Bartley, and ask him to 
share a taxi out to Heliopolis to-morrow night, 
as I believe he is going to dine with the 
Lacrosses there, to whose feast I am also bidden. 

I say good-night to Mr. Tomkins, who is quite 
affable, possibly at the prospect of getting rid 
of me, and drive off to the club. 

I have said that our club is a ' pot-house.' 
I must add that it is also b, ' bar.' It is the 
custom that before dinner every one should 
come to the club and have a drink and talk 



OFFICE, CLUB, AND DINNER 119 

with his friends. I really don't know which 
is the worse habit of the two. The first injures 
your nerves and stomach, but the second the 
reputation and well-being of your friends. 

Of course, I don't mean that they only talk 
scandal at the club. They discuss games, make 
future arrangements and plans, argue about poli- 
tics to a certain extent, and do not a little useful 
business at times. I admit that the custom of 
meeting at this hour has its uses, but I still 
believe that more harm is done in the hall of 
the Turf Club than in all the other rooms 
occupied by Englishmen in Cairo. 

When I arrive the hall is crowded, and find- 
ing Bartley is no easy matter. Apart from the 
ordinary difficulty of pushing through a crowd, 
I have to stop and exchange a word of polite- 
ness at every second step, and as often refuse 
the inevitable offer of a drink. 

It is an extraordinary thing that directly one 
gets abroad, this habit of standing one drinks at 
clubs becomes prevalent. At home you would 
never think of going into your club and offering 
every one you met a drink. I should like to do 
it once, just to see the expression on the head 
waiter's face. 

If one could saunter into the Athenaeum and 
say, ' Now then, Bishop, give it a name ' ; ' Arch- 
deacon, what 's your fancy ? ' ' Professor, have 
a damp? 5 and get out alive, it would be worth 
doing. 

Anyhow, here it is the custom, and though 
one is not forced to drink, one must refuse 



120 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

civilly, which takes time. I am also delayed 
by avoiding people who I know want to talk 
business, which I have not now time to discuss. 

At last I see Bartley in a group of five or six 
who are discussing cocktails and the latest 
scandal, and elbowing my way towards him, 
reach him just as he is saying, ' Well, all I can 
tell you is that that is the story as it reached me. 
I never liked the man myself.' So I know 
another good reputation has gone under. I 
wonder what the story is. It is quite marvel- 
lous what stories can be started and believed in 
Cairo. 

I remember we all treated an old American 
gentleman with great respect for the whole of 
one winter because we had been told, and we 
believed, that he had burnt his whole family, 
whom he disliked, in his country house in 
America. It turned out afterwards that he had 
only saved his mother-in-law from being drowned 
in a canal in Holland, and we treated him thence- 
forth with indulgent contempt. 

Cairo is a small place where there is not much 
to talk about outside one's business, and there 
is a considerable mixture of ethical standards, 
which renders every scandalous story possible, 
if not probable, so it is perhaps not to be won- 
dered at that the most unfounded rumours 
obtain credence. 

I arrange matters with Bartley ; and as I 
see by the clock that I have no time to spare, 
fight my way to the door, jump into a cab, and 
tell the coachman to drive to my house. 



OFFICE, CLUB, AND DINNER 121 

When I arrive there and reach my rooms, I find 
that, of course, Suleiman has not got my evening 
clothes ready, and as he invariably loses his 
head when he is hurried, my dressing may be 
fairly described as a concatenation of disasters. 
First the underclothing, which he takes out of 
the wrong drawer, has so many holes in it, 
that one wonders how any human being could 
ever hope to get into it without a chart and 
a compass. The socks he provides are odd 
ones. There is a prevailing absence of buttons 
everywhere. My shirt is frayed to the extent 
of apparently needing shaving, and just as he 
has, at last, after many objurgations, corrected 
a fair percentage of his blunders, he upsets the 
hot water over my only tidy white waistcoat. 
He is now in tears, but produces another from 
the bottom of a box. It is yellow with age, 
and obviously was not made for me, borrowed 
probably at some time, put away to be re- 
turned, and forgotten. The last owner was, I 
notice, a short, stout man. 

There is, however, no time to waste, so I 
struggle into it and my coat, and descend the 
stairs to the taxi. The Burnhams live some- 
where in Giza — of all places to choose. They 
have taken a new house there, so Burnham 
told me, somewhere off the Pyramid Road, 
just before you come to the tram station. It 
must be a good two miles, I should think, so I 
ordered a taxi. I wish I knew where the house 
is exactly, but luckily, as for a wonder I am 
early, there is plenty of time to find it. 



122 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

I therefore tell the taxi-driver to go to Giza, 
and off we start. Driving in a native-driven 
taxi on a dark night is a very fair test of nerve. 
The streets in our suburbs are lighted on strictly 
economical principles. You can just see one 
street lamp from the next. They no doubt 
give one a line as to the way the road 
runs, and prevent one's entering some one's 
garden, or, worse still, a canal, in a hurried 
and undignified manner, but except in their 
immediate vicinity, they show no part of the 
road itself. 

This would not matter so much if the taxis 
carried good headlights, but they don't. The 
one I have to-night has two things like police- 
men's bull's-eye lanterns tied on to it in front. 
Even these modest illuminations are bent by 
previous collisions, and only show about two 
yards of road in front of us. Beyond convey- 
ing when it 's too late to do anything that there 
is going to be a nasty accident, they are of 
restricted utility. They might give one time 
to utter one's 6 last words,' but there would be 
no one to hear them except the chauffeur, who 
would probably not be able to repeat them, 
even if they were of a nature to bear repetition. 
A trifle like lack of illumination, however, does 
not disturb the driver, who as long as he goes 
fast enough and keeps his horn sounding the 
whole time, has every confidence that all will 
be well. In my cab of to-night, even our horn 
is not up to the usual Cairo level, and makes 
a noise like an asthmatic puppy trying to bark. 



OFFICE, CLUB, AND DINNER 123 

We spin across the bridge, which is well lighted, 
and plunge into the darkness beyond. 

Wow, wow, wow, goes the horn, as we miss an 
elderly peasant by the fraction of an inch, swerv- 
ing as we do so very nearly into a cart laden with 
passengers on the other side of the road. These 
carts, on which one may ride for two miles for 
the modest sum of a farthing, are bound by law 
to carry a light, but for convenience the driver 
usually carries it in his hand ; so if he stops to 
talk to a friend en route, a not unfrequent occur- 
rence, the cart light is only visible some time 
after you have passed the cart. The law does 
not specify either what sort of light the carts 
must carry, and the most fashionable pattern 
is a tallow dip in a home-made red paper lantern. 
It looks in the distance, if you can see it at all, 
like a fine specimen of glow-worm or fire-fly. 
But you do not often see it, because, as it is apt 
to blow out or gutter to a wasteful degree in 
the wind, it is usually kept sheltered inside 
the driver's cloak or with his hands. 

We continue our wild career, swerving from 
side to side, catching glimpses of terrified faces 
and flying limbs as we pass. Occasionally 
matters are diversified by a camel suddenly 
shying from the side of the road into the middle, 
this necessitating on our part an extra swerve, 
accompanied by a half-skid, with all the brakes 
on. Camels don't carry lights because they 
are not carts, and are quite as easy to see without 
them. At least this is the best reason I can 
think of for their unillumined condition. The 



124 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

only other incident worth recording is an un- 
availing and Canute-like endeavour to make a 
steam-roller, which has apparently been left 
out to cool in the middle k of the road by our 
energetic Road Department, get out of our way 
by barking at it with our dilapidated horn, 
the attempt ending in an unusually perilous 
emergency stop, with the usual skid accom- 
paniment. I admit the red light looked like a 
cart-light at a distance, but when we got nearer, 
we should have chucked the attempt — nervous 
steam-rollers are so rare, it is not safe to reckon 
on them. 

When we arrive at Giza, I am not in a con- 
dition for cool thought, but I fancy that the 
house must be down a dark turning I see on the 
left, and impart my views to the driver, who 
twists his machine in that direction, through a 
flock composed apparently of children and goats 
mixed. 

When one wants to find a house in this country, 
the only method is to ask one's way at a house 
which has been standing for some time, as there 
is more chance of the servants there knowing 
the district well. 

I select a big, old-fashioned-looking house, 
and tell my driver to stop there. When we 
have pulled up and found the boab or door- 
keeper, who, according to immemorial custom, 
is sunk in a deep and, we trust, refreshing 
slumber, he is, on being awakened, divided 
in his mind as to whether the house is on fire 
or we are professional burglars. When his 



OFFICE, CLUB, AND DINNER 125 

normal state of mental vacuity has been re- 
established,, I ask him for the house of Burnham 
Bey — a new house. He asks what Boughan Bey. 
I reply, not Boughan, but Burnham, Bey, of the 
Ministry of Justice. He asks if he lives here 
in Giza. As if one would drive out two miles, 
at the peril of one's life, to ask the way to a 
man's house at the other end of Cairo ! But I 
answer, with that forbearance for which the 
British official is so well known, c Yes, here at 
Giza, a new house, Burnham Bey.' The boab 
repeats what he understands to be the name 
with variations, and finally says he does not 
know him. While this colloquy has been going 
on, a small crowd has collected, and now begins 
to join in the conversation. The predominant 
opinion is that the house is a hundred yards 
farther down the road, on the right, though a 
strong minority say it is on another road in 
the opposite direction. 

Following the principles of modern govern- 
ment, I side with the majority, and we proceed 
down the road and stop at another house. Here 
apparently all the servants, including the boab, 
are out, but at last a house servant is fished out 
by the chauffeur. Our new adviser is of a different 
type, and is an intelligent but untruthful person 
who professes to know Burnham intimately, 
and tells us to go back past the house of Stobbs 
Pasha, which is apparently the house at which 
we made our former inquiries, turn to our right, 
then to our left, and behold the house — a small 
new house of a yellow colour. Off we go, and 



126 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

after nearly smashing the car twice or thrice 
owing to the fact that the road has been pitted 
for some obscure reason with little holes such 
as one makes to plant shrubs in, we arrive at 
the house in question, to be met by a sad dis- 
appointment. The house belongs to an Italian 
lady, whose name sounds like Silly Billy. 
Signorina Silly Billy's domestic, a small and 
very dirty boy, suggests our making inquiries 
at the house of Stobbs Pasha, and only escapes 
braining through my marvellous self-restraint. 
On being pressed further, he suggests another 
house in the vicinity as the sort of house we 
want, but with no conviction, and taking up 
the safe but unhelpful position that Bining Bey 
(his variation of the name) might live there, I 
agree to draw this likely spot when it occurs 
to me that Stobbs no longer lives at Giza, and 
I wonder who has taken his house. The likely 
house is inhabited by a large family of Syrians, 
who are partaking of the evening meal appa- 
rently in the front hall. 

In despair we return to the house of Stobbs, 
to see if there is no one there of a higher mental 
calibre and a wider local knowledge than the 
respected doorkeeper. On arriving back he 
welcomes us with interest, and at our request 
summons another servant, who, he mentions in 
excuse for his non-appearance, is making ready 
the dinner. Idiot that I am ! I see it ! In 
this country a house is always called by the 
name of the original owner, or, anyhow, of the 
last owner. I ask the doorkeeper who lives in 



OFFICE, CLUB, AND DINNER 127 

his house, or rather the house in front of which 
he enjoys his well-earned repose. In the in- 
tervals of shouting for a mysterious Ahmed, he 
informs me that Stobbs, or, as he pronounces 
it, Estobbs, Pasha used to live there (which I 
knew), but that now there are new tenants, 
whose name he has forgotten. He, however, 
on the appearance of Ahmed, asks that worthy, 
who replies, " Birnim Bey.' ' Ah, yes,' says 
the doorkeeper, ' Birnim Bey.' 

Well, it is no good saying anything, so I get 
out and enter the house, reflecting on the incon- 
veniences of employing the word ' new ' in so 
loose a way, and determining to speak severely 
to Burnham about it. Luckily I started early 
from my house, so I find to my joy that, in spite 
of my wanderings, I am not the latest guest 
to arrive, as Burnham's own servant, whom I 
know well, informs me whilst he takes my 
hat and coat from me. Burnham receives me 
with the air of one who has a painful and rather 
degrading duty to perform — but that is the 
Englishman's normal attitude towards social 
functions. Mrs. Burnham, whose colour has 
come out in the wash of life, is depressedly glad 
to see me, but is obviously nervous that I may 
bite her, and extends her hand in a tentative 
manner. 

The party, which continues to arrive, is 
official, distinctly official. There is Wandle 
and Mrs. Wandle, of the Irrigation ; Judge 
Blore ; Colonel and Mrs. Boomley, Army of 
Occupation; de Cosson Smith, of the Anti- 



128 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

quities; and M. and Madame de Loriot, of the 
Suez Canal. 

My stars, what a lot ! and I might have been 
dining at the Delaneys ! 

Judge Blore, an English judge of the Native 
Court of Appeal, breaks an ominous silence with 
the remark that he has not seen the Reuter's 
telegrams this evening. We none of us care a 
bit, but Burnham, who is a painstaking host, 
repeats the substance of them to him while 
we listen. Mrs. Boomley, who is very down- 
right, asks Mrs. Burnham if she takes any 
interest in politics. Mrs. Burnham murmurs 
she does, though she 5 s afraid she does not 
understand them. c I don't,' says Mrs. Boomley, 
with a vindictive look at the Colonel, who does ; 
and we sink into another silence which can be 
felt. 

A laconic servant now opens the door, puts 
his head in, and says loudly, ' Dinnaire serve.' 
Upon which we gravely file into the dining- 
room — Mrs. Burnham, whom I take in, keeping 
me as far off as she can. To my joy, I find I 
am next Madame de Loriot on the other side, 
who is amusing and very well dressed, and as 
talkative as most of her race. Her husband 
has a chronic asthma, and never speaks if he 
can help it. 

I know the dinner before I look at the menu. 
Messy and bad. Mousse de jambon is the 
classical dish one always gets, and it is typical 
of the rest. 

Now I must talk to Mrs. Burnham, who has 



OFFICE, CLUB, AND DINNER 129 

the Colonel on the other side of her, for the first 
course or so, and then I can talk the rest of 
dinner to Madame de Loriot. 

It is no good waiting for her to begin, as she is 
only thinking of what sort of muzzle I ought to 
wear in order to be safe, so I turn on Sudan and 
deluge her with floods of dreary experiences in 
that country, she murmuring, ' Oh really ! ' ' Did 
you ? ' ' Only fancy ! ' at intervals. Blore, on 
the other side of Madame de Loriot, begins to 
lecture her on the iniquities of French law, 
which evidently amuses her. Presently she 
turns on him and abuses English law, which 
she says she has read all about. ' What works 
on the subject have you read, may I ask, 
madame ? ' says Blore in his most ponderous 
manner. ' Dickens, ' replies Madame, with an inno- 
cent expression, ' and I also saw a play called 
Trial by Jury.'' Blore, who looks pained and 
shocked, says, s Oh, but, Madame, those are 
not serious works on the subject. 5 

6 What are they, then, because they are cer- 
tainly not funny ? ' says Madame. 

She will have rather fun with Blore, I expect. 

The Colonel, having finished his soup, decided 
the fish is not worth eating, though it might 
have been once, sampled and left alone the 
sherry, and drunk his first glass of champagne, 
fixes his eyeglass in his eye and opens fire. 

6 Terrible condition of affairs in England,' says 
the Colonel. ' The fact is, there is no discipline 
anywhere. Now, what we want is a thorough 
change. I really believe the only thing is a war. 



130 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

' These people don't understand things, but 
they jolly well would if they were invaded by 
Germany. We should not hear any more of 
this d — d rot. And then we should get the 
two things we want, which are conscription 
and Tariff Reform. Drill the people and get 
them back to the land, that is what we want.' 

Yes, he is well off now, and in two minutes 
he will draw the Judge, who is a Liberal. I 
can see the Judge's attention is wandering 
from Madame de Loriot's painful remarks on 
the absence of humour in the English and the 
archaic condition of her laws. 

I thought so ; just as the Colonel, who has 
a certain dramatic sense, has explained why he 
would shoot Lloyd George, hang Churchill, and 
put Asquith in the pillory, to Mrs. Burnham's 
obvious terror, the Judge, with what is meant 
to be a conciliatory smile, but is really an un- 
founded claim to a higher mental standpoint, 
breaks in with, ' I think I perfectly understand, 
Colonel, your irritation at the policy of the 
Government, but don't you think perhaps that 
you are ascribing to them motives and inten- 
tions which they cannot be quite fairly credited 
with ? ' (and so on). 

I turn to Madame, and we soon get off into 
a comfortable conversational channel on the 
recent plays and books of France, and then on 
to her experiences and travels ; a short account 
of her life at Ismailia — her garden, of which she 
is justly proud, and other people's gardens, of 
which she is less justly critical, and so on. Not 



OFFICE, CLUB, AND DINNER 131 

much in it all, perhaps, but what a comfort, 
rest, and pleasure it is to listen to somebody 
who can talk well, as she can ! The lightness 
of touch, the cunning and careful mixture of 
grave and gay, the foreseeing tact which enables 
her to glide away from the subject before it 
has ceased to interest and amuse, the apparent 
absence of egotism and the delicate soupgon of 
flattery and interest in her interlocutor, fill 
one with admiration and well-being. All my 
irritation disappears, the world lights up again ; 
the birds of one's mind begin to sing, and I wish, 
as I often have, that it was good manners to 
break into applause, or purr, or do something to 
show one's gratitude and approval. One sense 
so quickly affects another, that I am rapidly 
becoming convinced that she is a really good- 
looking woman, in spite of a mouth of abnormal 
size and a complexion which does not bear 
discussion. 

Meanwhile, from the outer world the sounds 
of battle occasionally obtrude their presence. 
The booming of the heavy batteries of the 
Colonel replies to the sharper field guns of the 
Judge, and the rest of the table, who have 
been drawn into the struggle, add to the 
thunder of the combat. 

It is that bane of existence, the fiscal ques- 
tion, in its most acute form. They will all 
argue and bicker, and go over the same ground 
again and again, and will arrive no nearer to a 
conclusion. 

They will get heated, unreasonable, discour- 



132 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

teous, and disagreeable. They don't know what 
they are eating or drinking, which is perhaps 
lucky for them at the moment ; but they will 
suffer all the more afterwards, for they will 
forget to be cautious. As if Burnham's food 
was not a sufficient strain on their digestive 
processes, without the additional burden they 
are casting on their, owing to Egyptian food, 
already impaired digestions, by exciting them- 
selves in this way ! I believe in a way they 
enjoy it, though, for the sake of the noise, as 
children like banging a tea-tray with a poker. 

The two people who suffer the most are Mrs. 
Burnham and de Loriot, who, as one does not, 
and the other cannot, speak, are used, as the 
Speaker is used in the Commons, to address, 
with the disadvantage that they cannot stop 
their interlocutors all speaking at once. Mrs. 
Burnham has obviously relinquished the idea 
of muzzles or cages, or even lethal chambers, 
while the Frenchman's sense of humour comes 
to his aid, and I can see, by the occasional 
twinkle in his eyes, that his is not unmixed 
suffering. 

As the dessert is put on, the fire slackens, and 
one is sensible of that feeling of quietude one 
has in a factory when they stop the machinery. 

Mrs. Boomley, who has been pounding Wandle 
in a pitiless fashion, announces she hates politics 
and arguing, and, resting on our oars, we glide 
on to the time when the ladies rise and leave 
us. 

With the port and cigarettes, we split up 



OFFICE, CLUB, AND DINNER 133 

into groups : the Colonel, de Loriot, and 
Wandle discussing the iniquities of the various 
steamship lines plying between Egypt and 
Europe, and deploring the general increase in 
the expense of living ; whilst the Judge, Burnham, 
and myself talk shop about the relative scales 
of fees in the Mixed and Native Courts, and 
the cost of litigation generally in Egypt. They 
both talk well on the subject, especially Burnham, 
who has the transcendent gift of clear expres- 
sion ; and I am quite sorry when we rise to join 
the ladies. 

These we find already prepared to leave the 
house, as there is a party at the Agency, to which 
we are all going except the de Loriots, who 
are in mourning. 

I say good-night to the de Loriots, and 
agree to lunch there on Friday, dine and go 
to the opera on Monday, stay at Ismailia next 
month for a Thursday to Saturday, and send 
Madame two books I have freely quoted from 
during the evening, but of which I have only 
read the reviews (I hope they are fit for her 
reading), and then, having taken my leave 
and woken up the chauffeur, I start for the 
Agency. 



CHAPTER IX 

EVENING PARTY 

By common consent of all reasonable humanity 
it has been decided that an evening party is 
the most trying form of social function ; it is 
also the most senseless. 

If one is of a sociable nature, one likes to meet 
one's fellows and converse with them in peace 
and comfort. If one loves one's fellow-human, 
one wishes him to be happy and comfortable. 

An evening party certainly allows you to 
meet, and even bump, your fellow, but under 
the most adverse conditions for comfortable 
conversation. 

It can be described as a brutal social observ- 
ance in which the upper classes play at being 
a mob. 

Everything must in essence be good or evil, 
and that essence can be detected by result. An 
evening party obviously comes from the nether 
world, where it is probably a regular institu- 
tion. 

However, it is in our own hands to turn evil 
and suffering to good account, and if one goes 
to an evening party in a spirit of fortitude and 
resignation, I don't believe that it does you 
any serious harm from a moral point of view. 

134 



EVENING PARTY 135 

Physically it deteriorates your body from the 
outside by undue pressure, applied either to 
the body or to the feet, and inwardly by an 
almost total absence of oxygen for the lungs 
and an acute form of nervous strain. 

Whatever its origin (probably a form of sun- 
worship by making the night or sunless time 
unpleasant), it is at present kept going either 
by the medical profession or the bores. 

The mental position of the doctors, though 
sordid, is easy to understand. 

They look upon evening parties as a source 
of income, and I have seen them at these 
assemblies gloating over the rich harvest they 
will reap in the next few days. 

If you are sufficiently near to one you can 
hear him mutter, ' Aha, there goes Mrs. Jones 
with the influenza still on her. She is infec- 
tious all right. Mrs. Tomkins looks pretty bad. 
This ought to send her to bed for a fortnight. 
If Smith's lungs can stand this I will eat my 
hat. Robinson is bound to get that bad foot 
of his trodden on with any decent luck, and if 
he does he is good for six visits at least,' and 
so on. 

Besides the doctors, the bores are the only 
people (except a few eccentrics and neuras- 
thenics) who enjoy an evening party. In all 
other positions of life either their energies are 
restricted, as at dinner or in a railway carriage, 
to a few people, or the victims have a reasonable 
chance of escape. 

In a party their victims are driven to them 



136 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

in herds. Thev are hemmed in in a narrow 
space from which there is no escape, or are 
forced through doorways and past corners 
behind which the bore lurks, ready to leap on 
his victim as he or she passes. 

One sees them go away at the end of the 
evening gorged with the good temper and peace 
of mind they have sucked from their prey. 

Yes, on the whole, I believe it is the bores 
more than the doctors who keep up this inhuman 
practice. 

In books one reads of brilliant men passing 
through brilliant rooms saying brilliant things 
to their fellow-guests ; in real life you see men 
with worn, angry faces fighting their way 
through a seething mass of overheated humanity 
to the refreshments, under the hope that alcohol 
will make them forget their sorrows. 

How can one be brilliant with a man standing 
on your toes, another with his elbow deep in 
your ribs, whilst a muscular and impatient 
lady urges you on by prodding you in the back 
with her fan, which she subsequently accuses you 
of breaking ? Far from being brilliant, one's 
difficulty is to refrain from coarse profanity. 

However, to-night I really mean to try to 
add to the gaiety of the social life of Cairo. 

Mrs. Delaney, Mrs. Fitz, and, I regret to say, 
many others of my friends have told me that 
my mere appearance at a party depresses them 
terribly, and I have determined to make an 
effort to-night to enjoy myself and amuse my 
friends. 



EVENING PARTY 137 

As my thoughts reach this point, an unusually 
terrifying swerve of the car informs me that I 
have entered the Agency gates and have arrived 
at my destination. Thank Heaven ! Mrs. Fitz 
has asked me to go on to the Savoy to supper, 
so I shall escape fairly early from this scene of 
tumultuous delight. 

It is important to watch where one's coat 
and hat are put away, first because, there being 
no racks or shelves to put them on, they are 
put down anywhere that is vacant, and, secondly, 
the servants cannot, as a rule, read the numbers 
they pin on them, so if you trust to these worthies 
to find your garments at the end of the party 
you will probably never see them again. Mine 
on this occasion are placed on the coal-scuttle. 

The portion of the Agency devoted to what is 
by courtesy called entertaining was designed 
by a humorist or a misanthrope. A not too 
wide passage leads from the hall to these rooms, 
and through it all those arriving, departing, or 
seeking refreshment must pass. It is here that 
the crush is usually most painful. At the end 
of the passage three doors open — one on the 
right, one in front, and one on the left. The 
centre door admits you to the ballroom, where 
the crowd is the densest, the other two into 
smaller rooms which communicate with the 
ballroom by other doors. Here there is less 
crowd, but, as a set-off or compensation, more 
bores. 

In the ballroom even bores are too busy 
jostling one another to fix on you with any 



138 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

tenacity. In the small rooms they get you into 
a corner and really enjoy themselves. I deter- 
mine to try the ballroom to-night, and plunge 
into the centre of what is called technically 
the ' scrum ' at football, I believe. I find 
myself jammed up against Torper, who smiles 
at me rather sillily, and I grin back. I often 
wish there was some other way of greeting 
men in a crowd. To a lady one can make a 
sort of bow, or, anyhow, a sort of paralytic con- 
vulsion which indicates that if vou were a 
free man in the open you would bow to her, 
but to a man you can do nothing but grin and 
nod, a kind of gesture which should imply 
4 Well, you do look an ass ! ' 

Every one is talking, and as I am ground for- 
ward I listen in vain for the brilliant conversation. 

Four phrases will carry one through any 
party. ' How are you ? ' 'Is not it hot ? ' 
6 Did you go to X to-day ? ' 6 Are you going 
to X to-morrow ? ' You need not bother about 
the answers, which very likely you won't hear. 
At this point I am shot into the ballroom like 
a cherry-stone from between a finger and thumb. 
Here, though it is densely crowded, one can turn 
round. One keeps up the paralytic bows and the 
nodding grins, and tries to make up one's mind 
what portion of the room one will make for. 

I join an easterly current, which should 
eventually land me near the window, where 
very probably one can breathe. Here comes 
old Madame d'Haricot, crushing her way 
through the crowd. 



EVENING PARTY 139 

' Ah ! milor, where 'ave you been ? I nevare 
see you. It is no good to tell you my day is 
Friday, I suppose ? ' 

I cannot think of anything brilliant, or, in 
fact, anything at all, except that I thought it 
was long past, which obviously would not do. 
I at last murmur something about being so busy. 

6 What ? ' she screams ; ' on a Friday ? ' 

Just so — of course, I have put my foot in it. I 
can only say, c Alas, Madame, Friday as well 
as other days.' 

4 You work too hard,' she says ; ' you look 
tired, older.' 

Confound her ! Who can be brilliant under 
such circumstances ? 

I very nearly say, ' With you that appears 
to be impossible,' but luckily don't, and change 
it for, 6 We none of us get younger,' which is, 
on reflection, a shade worse. Happily at this 
moment Madame sees Sir Arthur Gibbs, our 
great irrigationist, who is a few yards off. 

8 Sir Arterre, Sir Arterre,' she screams, and 
crushes forward in his direction. Heaven help 
him ! 

I next run into Pontingly, who is three foot 
six high, and correspondingly important and 
mysterious. 8 Have I heard about Molloy ? ' I 
say, ' What ? ' He looks as if the rack would 
not make him indiscreet, and says in a stage 
whisper, ' It 's out,' and drifts on. I wonder 
whether it 's a scandal, an engagement, an 
appointment, or a tooth, and find myself opposite 
Mrs. Larg, the bank manager's wife, who is 



140 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

a blaze of brilliant brocade and jewels. She 
greets me with the great manner of Surbiton. 
I suspect Larg, who is a very capable and effi- 
cient man, is there too, but at parties he gets 
hidden behind her resplendent skirts. It re- 
minds me always of the power behind the 
throne. We talk the correct platitudes which 
two personages of finance should do, until I 
find myself resistlessly impelled forward by the 
impact of some unusually heavy mass of flesh, 
which from its size and softness must, I think, 
be a Minister. I look over my shoulder and 
find it is so indeed : it is his Excellency of 
the Arts and Crafts. 

' Aha ! ' he says, as I apologise for his hurting 
me, ' we find ourselves together again. Sapristi ! 
how hot it is ! I could drink willingly a glass 
of champagne,' and with a seraphic smile he rolls 
off in the direction of the refreshment-room. 

I look round to find I am now opposite to 
Mrs. MacWhirter, the wife of the American 
judge — at least, I think it 's she, but no living 
soul can remember which is she and which is 
her aunt, who lives with her. They are not 
really alike, but their faces are so uninteresting 
one cannot remember them. As we make again 
our original remarks on the crowdedness of the 
room and the heat, I rack my brain for some- 
thing better to say. MacWhirter has gone down 
to Alexandria on an arbitration case, so I say : 

6 Well, I always said your husband was a 
very lucky man. He must be chuckling when 
he thinks of us.' 



EVENING PARTY 141 

She looks furious and turns away without a 
word. Good heavens ! It was the aunt, and 
she is separated from her husband. There is 
nothing to be done. If it gets out I shall never 
hear the last of it. I must pretend to think it 
was Mrs. MacWhirter, and trust to the aunt 
not repeating it. 

I am now simply boiling, but another surge of 
the crowd deposits me near the window, where 
I find Mrs. Delaney, looking cool and as neat 
as if she had just stepped out of a bandbox. 
She will, at all events, be sympathetic. I don't 
think I ever saw her looking more beautiful 
and charming. Apparently this sentiment is 
not reciprocated, because her first remark is : 

' Please, Lord Edward, don't try to smile at a 
party again. It is really terrible to see your face.' 

This is discouraging, but I tell her of my good 
resolutions, which I regret to say she receives 
with unconcealed merriment. 

Just as I am feeling happy for the first time 
since I entered the room, that creature de 
Courcelle, the French Consul- General, comes up 
and says he has been told that he is to have the 
honour of taking her to have some supper, and 
off they go. She tells me to come to tea to- 
morrow as a compensation, which takes away 
some of the bitterness of the disappointment. 

This move to the supper-room means that the 
royalties, princes, consuls - general, etc., are 
going, and we can slip away. I turn in the 
direction of the door and slowly fight my way 
towards it. Once in the doorway one is shot 



142 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

forward by the tide of hungry guests, and I 
find myself in the hall, where I run straight into 
Camberley of the Agency. 

6 Oh, look here, Cecil, they want you to take 
in Countess Swartzenberg — you know, the 
Duchess's lady-in-waiting; have you seen her 
anywhere ? ' I murmur ' No,' cursing royalties, 
ladies-in-waiting, and the Agency under my 
breath. We search the now empty rooms, and 
find nothing but two engaged couples, a well- 
accepted scandal, and his Excellency of the 
Arts and Crafts fast asleep in a large chair 
behind a door. 

I suggest some one else has taken her in, and we 
regain the hall. Now for a dash before they think 
of some other little plan for my happiness. 

At this moment a hand is laid upon my arm. 

I turn round, and realise with horror that I 
am in the hands of the enemy. Maudely has 
me in his clutches. 

Maudely was, in prehistoric times, a journalist 
of note, and he has been left stranded in Cairo 
by the receding tide of his life. Some people 
declare that a leading newspaper proprietor of 
enormous wealth pays him a generous stipend 
on the express condition that Maudely is never 
to come within one thousand miles of this 
magnate's office. 

6 How are you, my dear fellow ? ' I say with 
forced cheerfulness. It is like trying to joke 
with one's hangman. 

' Pretty well, pretty well, thank you,' he 
replies. ' That reminds me of a certain occa- 



EVENING PARTY 143 

sion when I asked the same question of Lord 
Henry Fitzherbert, who was then ambassador at 
Rome in 1873 — no, I am wrong, I know; it was 
1875 — and I '11 tell you why, because that was 
the first year in which I left off wearing the old 
spring-side boots, Jemimas, they used to be 
called, you know. They were then still quite 
fashionable, for only a couple of years before 
that I can remember as well as possible crossing 
St. James's Park with Sam Barley — old Sam 
Barley, as we used to call him, though, as a 
matter of fact, he was not old a bit. Let me see, 
Sam was then three- or four-and-forty, not 
more, because he was the same age as the late 
Bishop of Blackhampton, who died five years 
afterwards of a very curious accident. He was 
opening a bottle. I don't know what of. I hope 
not brandy, for that would not do for a cleric, 
would it ? I have been told what it was, but 
I forget. Arthur Clouston, who was his nephew 
by his second or third wife, used to tell me 
about it, as we were both members of the 
same club, the Stuffington, when it was in 
Berkeley Square, a beautiful house, which had 
belonged to Lord Harpendale — not this man, of 
course, but his grandfather. A fine old boy. 
He used to wear a blue coat and buff waistcoat 
till the day of his death, and drank his two bottles 
of port every day " to keep the gout off," he 
used to say ; but of course he was before my 
time,' etc. etc. 

There now, what have I done to deserve 
this ? He scarcely ever even finishes one of 



144 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

his infernal stories, and if by any chance he does 5 
one wishes he had not. I wonder if I shall 
ever grow to be like that ; if I do, I hope they '11 
give me prussic acid or something as deadly. 

There is no known means of stopping him, 
and any attempt to keep him to the point is 
like cutting off the heads of the Hydra. 

Ah, here comes his wife, of whom he lives in 
dread. He sees her, and, mumbling something 
about telling me about it another time, he 
drifts quietly away, and disappears with the 
ease born of long practice. Judging from her 
appearance, he has probably been avoiding his 
wife for the last forty years ; ever since he 
married her, in fact. 

I move with the rapidity of the hunted rabbit 
to the cloak-room, where I find an angry mob 
objurgating three or four demented Berberine 
servants who are handing every one some one 
else's coat and hat. In the confusion they 
even ' break the sets,' so to speak. I see a 
timid youth with two large wideawakes, one 
in each hand, bleating vainly for his cap, whilst 
an irritable tourist has been given three walking- 
sticks and nothing else, which is certainly in- 
sufficient clothing for a cold night. 

Knowing my way about these affairs, I slip 
under the counter, go straight to the coal- 
scuttle, where I am lucky enough to find my 
hat and coat untouched, and, casting myself into 
the crowd, I fight my way to the door. 

With a little trouble I find my taxi and start 
for the Savoy. 



CHAPTER X 

SUPPER— PART I 

As I drive away, I feel that delicious sense of 
relief which only comes, with the cessation of 
severe bodily pain, at the termination of a long 
illness, or after an evening party. 

The comfort of being able to move without 
crushing or being crushed is very great ; and 
even the atmosphere of Cairo seems pure after 
the air we have been breathing. As it is neces- 
sarily very tiring to play a kind of football 
without the ball or any oxygen, I don't feel in 
quite the right mood for a supper, and wish I 
was going to bed. There is, however, the possi- 
bility—nay, even the probability— that Mrs. Fitz 
has forgotten all about it, or thinks that she 
has asked me on another night at another 
hotel, in which case I can go home to my well- 
earned rest. 

To-night there is a ball at the Savoy, so it 
will be crowded. The hotel balls are, I may 
say, the leading feature of our society. There 
are now very few big European houses where 
entertainments are given, and the increased 
size of our social world has rendered the small 
dances and parties of ten years ago impossible. 
The result is that nowadays nine-tenths of the 

K 



146 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

entertaining is done at the hotels, and usually 
on ball nights. This is in some ways rather 
convenient for the host, as he does not have 
the trouble of amusing his guests after dinner, 
for they dance or look on at the dancing. By 
a merciful but unwritten law, too, the host 
can go away without giving offence directly 
supper has begun — that is, at eleven o'clock. 

All the principal hotels give a ball once a 
week throughout the season ; but the smart 
ones, to which all the Best People go, are the 
Savoy and the Semiramis. [We talk a great 
deal about the Best People in Cairo. You should 
accentuate the word Best slightly when using the 
phrase, and it is customary to add the words, 
6 You know what I mean,' after using it. 
Who constitute the Best People is a matter of 
opinion except, of course, in the cases of your- 
self and the person to whom you are talking.] 
Next, in order of merit, come the Ghezireh, 
Shepheard's, and Heliopolis, and last of all, the 
Continental, which is much frequented by the 
jeunesse doree of Pashadom. 

As each hotel gives its weekly ball on a different 
day of the week, it is possible to go to a dance 
six nights out of seven for the five months of 
the season ; and I really believe there are some 
people who do this and survive. 

Of course there are other entertainments, 
either of a recurrent nature — as, for example, the 
opera (which is usually like nothing else on 
earth except a concert of cats) — or special fes- 
tivities which are given from time to time, such 



SUPPER— PART I 147 

as garden parties, concerts, etc. ; but the balls 
are the standing dish, of which you can always 
partake if you can get nothing better. 

As might be inferred, dancing is very popular 
in Cairo. We all, or almost all of us, dance, 
and we go on dancing up to any age. Grand- 
mothers and gentlemen with grey hair and a 
lower chest measurement of fifty inches hop 
round gravely with the rest. 

At this point I am rudely disturbed by my 
chauffeur, who has made a slight miscalculation, 
attempting (apparently) to drive up the hotel 
steps. I pay him off with a proper sense of 
thankfulness, get rid of my hat and coat, and 
enter a large hall, out of which the ballroom 
opens, and which I believe is called the lounge. 

Now my difficulty will be to find Mrs. Fitz. 
The best chance for me will be to stand in the 
big doorway which connects the ballroom 
with the lounge. Here I am very shortly 
afterwards hailed by Bentley, who informs me 
with his usual hauteur that Mrs. Fitz has told 
him to look out for me, to inform me that supper 
is to be at twelve — that is, in about twenty 
minutes — and that it will take place in the private 
room at the end of the main passage ; which 
instructions I receive with humility and thanks. 

As Bentley is never, strictly speaking, a 
brilliant conversationalist, and as I don't see 
any one in the vicinity to whom I am exactly 
pining to talk, we stand in silence and watch 
the crowd. 

I know a great number of faces, for the same 



148 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

individuals come out here for the winter, as 
tourists, year after year ; and one often gets 
quite interested in people and their affairs 
without ever getting to know them to speak to. 
Then Cairo hotel society is interesting as being, 
I suppose, the most mixed crowd in the world. 
In it are to be found representatives of almost 
all civilised nationalities and of every grade of 
the social scale, from the reigning Prince of 
Slappenbach - Spitnitz and the Duchess of 
Axminster to the Levantine Jew broker and 
the little French actress. 

Besides our queer medley of residents and 
tourists, there are also many specimens of the 
passers-through who stop for a week in Egypt 
on the way between Europe and India, Australia, 
China, Japan, the South Sea Islands, East 
Africa, South Africa, and Heaven only knows 
where else besides. 

Egypt is also a not uncommon resort for those 
who have good reason to refrain from stopping 
in their own country ; so there is also a certain 
element of romance about these people, if one 
has a touch of imagination. The gentleman 
from whom you take a light for your cigarette 
may be anything from a European statesman 
to a burglar, a wholesale or retail criminal. A 
very gentlemanly foreign self-styled baron, who 
was here for some time a few seasons ago, and 
who got to know quite a lot of the Best People, 
used to show us some very fine diamonds which 
he said he had ' picked up very cheap.' This 
was literally true, for he took them off some 



SUPPER— PART I 149 

one else's dressing-table in Paris. An immediate 
interview with a young and very nice-looking 
couple, who stayed here last year, was, we 
heard afterwards, earnestly desired by the police 
of no less than four European nations. 

At one time, like most people, I felt sure that 
I was a good judge of character from the face, 
but I have modified my opinion. 

It is amusing and instructive, as they falsely 
said of the old Polytechnic, to try and guess 
who and what the new arrivals are, and having 
determined this to your own satisfaction, to 
go then and ask, say, my friend Mr. Wild, the 
manager of the Savoy, about them. A gentle- 
man who was known to be one of the leading 
card-sharpers of the day, I unhesitatingly put 
down as a surgeon of blameless life in full prac- 
tice ; and I mentally consigned to a lifelong 
sentence in a convict prison an American repre- 
sentative of the Y.M.C.A. 

Still, even if one has some severe disappoint- 
ments, it is quite an amusing game to play. It 
is better, however, I have found, to keep your 
opinion to yourself till you have verified it. It 
seems to make one guess right more frequently. 

In the outer room or lounge, groups of those 
who have dined here together sit round small 
tables smoking and talking. That large circle 
of gentlemen, and, I regret to say, ladies, with 
their backs bent forward in eager but respectful 
attitudes, is the court of Sir Benjamin Abrahams, 
the great financier, who is making a short stay 
here, to look after his interests (emphatically 



150 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

his interests) in this country. No beauty is 
regaled with so much flattery, no king is treated 
with such subservience. With no one is acquaint- 
ance claimed on slighter grounds. I heard a 
leading social light here claim to have met 
Sir Benjamin before, on the ground that they 
had crossed the Channel in the same boat on a 
rough day. I suppose frequenting millionaires 
is profitable, or people would not do it, but it 
must be disagreeable work. 

The next group belongs to the mysterious 
order of detached limpets. One glance assures 
me that neither father nor mother, nor the two 
very dull daughters, nor the very bored son, 
ever wanted to leave the parental rock. Why 
they move is a mystery. They hate travelling, 
and take no interest in either strange coun- 
tries, or antiquities, or even amusements. They 
moodily move in silence from place to place, 
until the mysterious force which has driven 
them abroad weakens, and they can return to 
their homes. I have made the acquaintance of 
some specimens and asked them why they 
travelled. They either would not or could not 
give a satisfactory answer. One young lady 
limpet told me it was ' because the drains were 
up at home.' I felt puzzled. The danger of 
even the most poisonous drains does not demand 
that one should be thousands of miles away. 

The next group are Americans of a peculiar 
type. They are always the same wherever 
you meet them, the low-class, fast-travelling 
Americans ; they talk more, see more, and 



SUPPER— PART I 151 

understand less than any other class of traveller, 
and are better not thought about, if you want 
to be decently charitable. 

The next table is occupied by a honeymoon 
couple, who, if they were induced to come to 
Egypt in search of what has been called modified 
solitude, have been grossly misled. Perhaps it 
is the work of the rejected rival, a cruel but 
most adequate revenge. 

For two people to travel together for long 
without showing all the worst sides of their 
characters is very rare. I would not do it with 
my oldest, most tried and trusted friend ; and 
why people should so often begin married life — 
which is, Lord knows, difficult enough under 
any circumstances — by doing that which is 
admitted to be most dangerous to all mutual 
respect and esteem, is more than I can under- 
stand. 

I consult Bentley on the point, but his duck- 
ing has, I fear, soured him, as he only suggests 
that it is better to know the worst as soon as 
possible and get it over. 

Next to the seekers after modified solitude are 
three dear old English ladies. Two are knitting, 
and the third is doing crotchet work. They 
don't talk much, but just sit there and look 
on in a benevolent way. They look so love- 
able and yet so helpless, one is tempted to go 
to their assistance, and offer to guide them 
through the difficulties and perils of Egypt. 

As a matter of fact, they are three of the most 
intrepid travellers existing. They are the famous 



152 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

Misses Gubb, whose works, or rather the works 
of Miss Amelia, who is the scribe of the party, 
you have probably read. Through Turkestan in 
Trousers, Black Kings and White Faces, The 
Secret Shrines of the Wata Lai, and several more, 
which all treat of places where the boldest man 
goes not if he can possibly avoid it. 

Under those black silk dresses there are the 
hearts of heroes, and those grey locks cover 
brains which would have not disgraced Columbus 
or Marco Polo. 

Savage chiefs have trembled before those 
reticules; and Miss Jane has, actually with her 
here in Cairo, an umbrella with which she per- 
sonally beat, for being rude to her, the son and 
heir of Umtoompoto, a Central African monarch 
who simply prefers wallowing in human blood 
to any other amusement. 

I believe there is only one moral force which 
it is quite impossible to withstand, and that is 
the force wielded by a nice but determined old 
lady. 

At this moment I catch the eye of a very 
attractive-looking lady sitting on a sofa against 
the wall a few yards away, and she beckons me 
to come and talk to her. 

It is Mrs. Dorline. She is what we call a 
hardy perennial — that is, a tourist who comes 
to Cairo every winter. She is of good family, 
has money of her own, has married a rich husband 
who idolises her, and she has the constitution 
of an ox. Having practically nothing in the 
world to grumble at, she has provided worries 



SUPPER— PART I 153 

and troubles for herself. Her chief sorrow is, 
I understand, that she is not understood. 

She is tall, dark, and slight (her enemies say- 
thin), with slender, well-shaped hands and a 
handsome clear-cut face, with large restless 
grey eyes. Her appearance is marred by her 
complexion being too pale, the shadows of 
her face too dark, her lips too red, and her dress 
too eccentric. There is also generally an un- 
tidy, unhealthy look about her, which somehow 
suggests that she has been buried and dug up 
again. 

' Tell me,' she says, in her low, even voice, as 
I seat myself beside her, 6 what brings you to 
these places. I always wonder when I see 
you. Surely this,' with a slight circular gesture 
of her hand, c cannot amuse you.' 

Now that is the worst of talking to Mrs. Dor- 
line. She starts in this sort of key, and I don't 
know what to say. One does not want to be 
absolutely unsympathetic and out of tune with 
her, but one cannot answer in the same style 
without feeling either a humbug or an ass. 

I say feebly that I have come because I am 
engaged to go to supper, but that really these 
balls do rather amuse me in a way. 

c I wonder,' she thrills out. ' Do you come 
to forget ? ' 

Poor dear, if she only knew what my memory 
is like, she would not ask a silly question like 
that. If I could only find any form of amuse- 
ment that made me remember, I should indulge 
in it every day. 



154 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

I reply in what I try to make a lighter tone, 
though I fear it only sounds querulous. 

' I think I come to pass the time, to watch 
the people, and to enjoy the reflection of amuse- 
ment.' 

' I can never decide,' she says, ' when I see 
those deep-set, inscrutable eyes fixed on this 
scene, whether behind them is infinite scorn or 
pity. I watched you last Saturday and 
wondered.' 

If I remember rightly, any peculiarity of ex- 
pression I may have shown last Saturday was 
probably due to my collar stud slipping down and 
finally lodging in my shoe. Infinite discomfort, 
that was what was wrong with my deep-set eyes, 
but I cannot tell her that. 

' I don't think it is either,' I mutter. 6 1 am 
amused and perhaps I learn a little.' 

(That is better. That is more the tone.) 

' What is the use ? ' she asks with sad intense- 
ness ; 'it is all so purposeless, so meaning- 
less. There is more to be learnt from the 
leaves dancing in the wind or the ripples on a 
brook.' 

Now I cannot dispute this. I don't feel sure 
about it. All I know is that the dancers here 
are neither like leaves nor ripples. The only 
two apt similes I can think of are cattle and 
football players. 

So I merely remark that one can learn from 
everything. 

' And to what end ? ' comes back the answer. 
6 Why should we learn and learn, when nothing 



SUPPER— PART I 155 

can solve the mysteries of life and death ? ' 
(Drop of a semitone on the last word.) 

She is positively making my flesh creep. I 
wish she 'd see a doctor about it. I am sure, 
with careful diet, plenty of exercise, and a little 
bicarbonate of soda, she would not feel like 
that. 

I confine myself to remarking that as we 
cannot solve the insoluble, we may as well enjoy 
ourselves in moderation. 

6 Enjoy ! ' she exclaims. ' Ah, how can one 
enjoy when one has found out that it is all false, 
all unreal ? I feel as though I was crying night 
and day — Give me something real, something 
true, even if it is sorrow ! ' 

What a wife she must be to Dorline ! I have 
heard he is a depressed man, and no wonder. 
This sort of conversation makes me so uncom- 
fortable. I feel inclined to ask her to put on a 
spiritual dressing-gown. The police ought to 
deal with people wilfully uncovering their souls 
in public. 

I murmur something about its being more 
real than she thinks. 

6 Oh, I wish I thought so, I only wish I thought 
so,' she almost moans. 6 It is this distrust of 
all the so-called realities which makes one loathe 
and despise the petty restrictions of conven- 
tionality.' 

This is getting worse and worse. Is she con- 
templating an elopement, or merely walking 
about without her boots, or something of that 
sort ? I don't know what she calls petty re- 



156 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

strictions. With this sort of woman it may 
mean almost anything from having to wear 
gloves to the Ten Commandments. 

I point out (with really disgusting pomposity) 
that these same conventions are the treaties 
which individuals enter into to respect the 
rights and comfort of the many. This anyhow 
can do no harm, as it means nothing. 

At this moment mercifully, as I really cannot 
bear much more conversation of this sort, she 
is claimed by a partner, and I take my leave. 

4 Come and see me soon,' she says. ' To talk 
with some one who really feels, who really 
understands, is such a help, such a bath for the 
soul.' 

Not if I know it. No mixed bathing for me ! 

As I make this wise resolution, my eye falls 
again on Miss Jane Gubb. I wonder what she 
thinks about the realities of life and mixed soul- 
bathing. I think I can guess. 

As I rejoin Bentley, he exclaims in an almost 
awestruck tone : ' By Jove ! ' and I turn to see 
what has produced this unusual burst of loquacity. 

In the centre of the floor a couple of dancers 
are stretched at full length. As I look, they 
are helped up, and the lady, whose dress is 
badly torn, is taken away to be pinned up, 
whilst the man dusts himself and tries to accept 
the apologies of his assailants, a tall muscular- 
looking girl and an infant in the Rifle Brigade, 
with becoming civility. 

As all sorts and ages of mankind dance in 
Cairo, styles of dancing differ very consider- 



SUPPER— PART I 157 

ably, from the slow crawl and rock to the dash- 
ing swing ; with the result that accidents are 
fairly common. 

4 She will stretch some one for good some 
day,' murmurs Bentley, with, I think, savage 
satisfaction, ' that girl, if she goes on dancing 
like that.' 

I am sure immersion does not suit Bentley. 

The girl in question, Miss Whanger, undis- 
mayed and dancing, passes us at this minute. 
' If you would only be more careful about steer- 
ing, Mr. Witterly,' she is saying rather acidly. 
Poor Witterly, who has about as much control 
over her as he would have over a steam-roller, 
receives his rebuke meekly. He has long since 
given up attempting to steer. All he can do 
he does, which is at the last moment to inter- 
pose his body between the objet aime and the 
people she is about to fell to the ground. He 
confided to me last week that he was so sore 
with repeated blows that he could scarcely 
walk. 



CHAPTER XI 

SUPPER— PART II 

I am beginning to feel hungry, as I wisely de- 
clined to poison myself at Burnham's, and so 
had practically no dinner. My thoughts natu- 
rally turn to supper, and I begin to wonder of 
whom the party is composed. I only hope it 
is a quiet or comparatively quiet lot ; but no 
one, including herself, can tell whom Mrs. Fitz 
will ask. 

Putting ices down one another's back is 
amusing enough at twenty, but in later life in- 
evitably leads to a bad chill. 

At the last rowdy supper party I attended, 
they poured all the champagne over poor old 
Toomly, the doctor. He was in bed for a 
week afterwards in consequence, and could only 
talk in a hoarse whisper for the rest of the 
season. 

At this moment Mrs. Fitz appears, radiant 
with a seraphic smile which long experience 
has taught me to distrust. 

6 Oh, Lord Edward, I know you are going to 
be an angel to-night, won't you ? ' she says, in 
tones she knows perfectly well we, none of us, 
can resist. I may well be an angel shortly if I 

158 



SUPPER— PART II 159 

am not given something to eat, as I am rapidly- 
starving, but I don't say so. I feel levity 
would be out of place. 

4 You see,' continues Mrs. Fitz, 6 1 made a 
stupid mistake. There is a sort of relation of 
mine out here, and I meant to ask her to supper 
after the Charity Ball next week, when I am 
going to work off all the frumps together, and 
somehow, some one was talking, or something, 
and I put in the wrong date. Now will you be 
perfect and look after her ? ' 

I reply that of course I shall be delighted, 
and ask her with some misgiving who else is 
coming to supper. 

4 Well, that is just it,' says Mrs. Fitz, with 
the worried look of a child whose toy won't 
work. ' You remember we agreed it should be 
rather a jolly supper ' (I don't remember any- 
thing of the kind, but I nod sympathetically), 
' and I asked the Tollington girls and Mrs. 
Chafferly and Mr. Rimington and Captain 
Bentley and Captain Dasherly and the Baron 
and two of the Rifles, I forget which, and oh, 
the beautiful Mrs. Canley Tupper, the American 
you know, and her sister Miss Blech. Oh yes, 
and I asked Mrs. Dorline specially for you, but 
she can't come.' 

Good heavens ! It is the very rowdiest lot 
she could have got together. There is nothing 
they won't do or say at supper. 

6 Is your relation very . . . ' here I break 
down for a word. I want to say 'proper,' but 
that does not sound quite civil. 



160 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

' Proper,' puts in Mrs. Fitz, with her most 
charming smile. 

6 No, I assure you I meant — well — stiff,' I 
hasten to say. 

6 Then you did mean proper,' says Mrs. Fitz 
triumphantly. 4 It is the same thing, and you 
are very rude. Yes, she is just as proper as 
she can be and awfully particular. I don't 
want her to go away thinking awful things of 
us all, so do keep her amused, so that she won't 
notice it if the rest do make rather a noise.' 

This is all very well. Of course Mrs. Fitz, 
who probably poses as a serious person in 
Cheshire, does not want to be given away to a 
lot of very severe relations under whom I know 
she suffers at home ; but if she thinks that 
any conversation in the world will stop her 
relation noticing that people are braying like 
donkeys or crowing like cocks, or throwing 
peaches at each other, she is altogether too 
sanguine. 

6 1 am putting the Baron on her other side, 
and perhaps she won't stay long,' continues 
Mrs. Fitz. ' It is really too tiresome of her 
coming.' 

■ Well,' I say, ' does the Baron know what he 
is to do ? ' 

6 Oh yes, I told him, and he did not really 
mind a bit : at least not much. Here he is.' 

As she says this the Baron marches up and 
makes his most perfect bow. 

c Good evening, milor,' he says. ' I hear we 
are in nice jobs ; but what Madame wishes ' 



SUPPER— PART II 161 

and here he makes a gesture indicating our 
powerlessness to struggle against Mrs. Fitz's 
victorious charms. 

4 I am quite sure,' says Mrs. Fitz, whose irre- 
pressible optimism is again in the ascendant, 
' that you and Lord Edward will manage beauti- 
fully between you.' 

4 I think it deeficult,' remarks the Baron, 
1 unless we make so something, some how say 
you, plans now.' 

4 1 have got it,' cries Mrs. Fitz enthusiastically. 

4 What it ? ' says the Baron interestedly. 

' Why, let us all pretend to be very serious, 
like a play or a charade, you know.' 

I can with difficulty follow Mrs. Fitz's enthusi- 
astic remarks after some years of practice. The 
Baron is completely fogged. 

4 What shall we make her to play ? ' he asks 
tentatively. 

4 No, Mrs. Fitz means that we shall all act 
parts,' I explain, 'like actors in a play at the 
theatre, and pretend we are a very serious set 
of people.' 

4 Oh, I see, yes, it is possible,' admits the 
Baron doubtfully. 4 We can try.' 

But Mrs. Fitz, once started on one of her 
schemes, is not to be discouraged. 

4 Now Lord Edward, get all of them together 
in the supper room, and I will tell Miss Sadenham 
to wait for us all in the hall. That will give 
us time to explain our plan ' (our, mark you) 
4 to the others, and then one of us can go out 
and bring her in.' 

L 



162 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 



We hastily adjourn to the supper room, 
where we find the 6 serious 5 party have already 
assembled, and are keeping down the pangs of 
hunger by playing cricket with a poker and a 
knotted napkin. They have just succeeded in 
breaking a window as the Baron and I enter. 

Mrs. Fitz, who appears almost as soon as we 
do, explains matters with such skill and enthu- 
siasm, that the scheme is delightedly taken up. 
Each member of the party selects a serious 
interest on the spot, and in a short time the 
cast for our impromptu theatrical performance 
is decided upon, and it is as follows : — 



Mrs. Fitz, as she is known in 
Cheshire 

A Serious Under-Secretary 
who believes in England's 
mission in Egypt 

A Distinguished Foreign 
Diplomat who emulates 
George Washington in 
veracity and is a devoted 
advocate of women's rights 

Two Sedate Young Ladies 
who are the chief support 
of the branch of the 
S.P.C.A. in Cairo . 

A Student of Arab Art, an 
artist who paints serious 
and improving pictures . 

A Lady deeply interested in 
rooting out the slave trade 
in all its forms from 
Central Africa 



Mrs. Fitz. 



Lord E. Cecil. 



The Baron Sodisky. 



The Misses Tollington. 



Mrs. Chafferly. 



Mrs. Canley Tupper. 



SUPPER— PART II 163 

A Lady Egyptologist and 

Antiquarian . . . Miss Natalie Blech. 

An Archaeologist of very 

silent habits . . . Mr. Rimington. 

Earnest Soldiers, friends of 

the above . . . Captain Bentley. 

Captain Dasherly. 
Mr. Sandgate. 
Mr. Witterly. 

The cast is hastily written out on menu cards, 
and one of them is given to each of us, so that 
we may remember who is who and what sort 
of things we ought to say to them. 

Dick Rimington, whose English is remark- 
able, to say the least of it, is warned to be as 
silent as possible and on no account to use 
slang. 

The Misses Tollington are also cautioned. 
Miss Dena is specially requested to abstain 
from what she calls her ' Ittifraz ' (Idiot English 
for little phrases). 

Mrs. Fitz really is a marvellous woman. I 
don't believe any one else in the world could 
have got us even to think of trying to do such 
a thing. With one last general appeal to us 
to do our best, she disappears to fetch her 
relative. 

I really feel a certain amount of stage fright, 
and I can see the others, except the Baron, share 
this feeling. He remains quite unmoved, as if 
what we are going to do is an ordinary part of 
his daily life. 

In a few minutes Mrs. Fitz reappears with a 



164 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

middle-aged lady of most forbidding aspect. 
There is a squareness about her face and a 
hard look in her little grey eyes which are 
simply terrifying. We are all formally intro- 
duced to her, and sit down in our places at the 
supper table. 

4 1 confess I very seldom go out to supper,' 
remarks Miss Sadenham as a commencement. 
6 1 think that it keeps one up too late, and 
plenty of good sleep is most important for every 
one.' 

The Baron, whose usual bed-time is 5 a.m., 
cordially agrees with her. He is, he states, in 
his own peculiar dialect of English, of opinion 
that suppers are both wantonly extravagant 
and interfere with the next day's work in a 
most deplorable manner, but on certain occa- 
sions like the present they are certainly very 
agreeable. 

Miss Sadenham then proceeds to put the 
Baron through a searching examination with 
regard to the party assembled, and that gentle- 
man gives short biographical sketches of each 
of them, which evidently impress Miss Sadenham. 
Luckily the Baron's English renders these bright 
little flights of imagination difficult to under- 
stand, and the less they are understood the 
more likely they are to be believed. 

Mrs. Canley Tupper, who is very nervous and 
obviously going to over-act her part, begins by 
telling me in high pitched nasal tones that she 
cannot sleep at night for thinking of the horrors 
of the slavery in the Sudan, to which I hastily 



SUPPER— PART II 165 

assent, correcting the place to ' Congo ' as if it 
was an obvious slip of the tongue. 

The rest of the party begin talking in tones 
somewhat muffled by nervousness, and I begin 
to feel more cheerful. Things are not going so 
badly, and if Mrs. Fitz, who is shaking all over, 
can only control her suppressed merriment, all 
ma Y y^t be well. 

My hopefulness is soon checked by Miss Amy 
Tollington, who has never remained silent for 
five consecutive minutes since she could speak, 
attacking Rimington on the subject of archae- 
ology, which I am convinced both of them think 
is connected in some way with Noah. Riming- 
ton, conscious of a certain vagueness of mind 
on the subject, is not to be enticed into display- 
ing his ignorance, but says with great dignity : 
' Madam, my impaired digestion prevents me 
talking at meals, and this is the first food I have 
had since dawn.' 

; What a whop ' bursts out Miss Amy, and 

Mrs. Chaff erly starts a cough which is meant to 
cover the remark, but which could only ordinarily 
proceed from the throat of a basso profundo 
who was dying of whooping-cough. It serves 
its purpose however, for it frightens Miss Saden- 
ham so much that she quite forgets about Miss 
Amy's outburst. Miss Amy, who I am glad to 
see is crimson, is glared at indignantly by the 
rest of the party. 

At this point Mrs. Fitz, who has been making 
heroic efforts to appear to be listening to 
Bentley's minute-gun remarks with an interest 



166 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

not usually accorded to them, suddenly loses 
control of herself and bursts into a fit of almost 
hysterical laughter. 

The conversation stops dead, and Miss Saden- 
ham asks her what has amused her so extremely. 

6 Oh, oh,' gasps Mrs. Fitz. ' It is only that 
Captain Bentley's stories are so ridiculous.' 

' And are we to be permitted to hear them ? ' 
says Miss Sadenham, unbending slightly. ' You 
did not inform me that Captain Bentley was a 
wit, Baron Sodisky. I thought you said he was 
of a serious disposition.' 

' Take it from me,' commences Dick Rim- 
ington, when he catches my eye and stops 
abruptly. 

6 Take what from you, Mr. Rimington, may 
I inquire ? ' says Miss Sadenham, still affably. 

Mrs. Chafferly explains that the now purple 
Rimington was only offering her his bread, and 
we breathe again. 

Miss Sadenham now returns to the charge. 

6 Cannot you, Lilian, let the table have the 
benefit of listening to Captain Bentley's stories 
by repeating them to us, or perhaps he would 
prefer to tell them to us himself ? ' 

Bentley, who looks as if he had been given 
five minutes to decide if he prefers to be boiled 
to death or roasted alive, falters out, ' I would 
rather not, 5 and retreats into silence. Mrs. 
Fitz is still unable to speak, so the Baron hurriedly 
explains in a low tone of voice to Miss Sadenham 
how shy Bentley is, though he is very amusing 
when not overcome by this defect. 



SUPPER— PART II 167 

' He is a good fellow, very airnst but witty, 
what you call serio-comic,' ends up the Baron, 
to Miss Sadenham's bewilderment. 

It is all very well in theory to be mixed up 
in a joke of this sort, and it may be amusing to 
talk and think about afterwards ; but at the 
moment of its perpetration the suffering of the 
participators is intense. I do not know what 
sum I would not give to be sitting quietly at 
home at this moment. 

We talk on feverishly ; even the Baron is begin- 
ning to get a worn look, while Mrs. Canley 
Tupper is now babbling about slavery in a style 
which can only be described as a cross between 
Daily Mailian and Earlswoodese. 

As all the remainder of the party are now 
talking fast, and as it is necessary for Mrs. 
Chafferly and myself not only to keep up our 
own parts, but also to keep our ears open for 
the slips of others, in order to cover or explain 
them away as quickly as possible, a terrible 
strain is inflicted on our nerves. 

Owing to the noise of the conversation and 
the distant strains of the band which is playing 
in the next room but one, Miss Sadenham 
luckily misses some of the worst remarks, whilst 
others, which she has obviously heard, are more 
or less successfully dealt with by Mrs. Chafferly 
or myself. The Baron cannot help us so much 
when it comes to twisting words out of their 
meanings. He has enough difficulty with the 
language without that. But in spite of this he 
is our main support, as he keeps Miss Sadenham 



168 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

interested, and shows a power of invention 
which can only be termed prodigious. 

I can hear, however, that caution is wearing 
off and the slips are getting worse. Such 
phrases as ' Now grind the oats and go steady,' 
from Miss Dena, and 6 Pass the pinky Pop for 
pale people, Pretty Polly, 5 from Miss Natalie 
Blech, though they may be quotations from our 
most recent musical comedy, are quite out of 
keeping with the assumed characters of their 
utterers ; whilst the hopeless confusion of mind 
both the Miss Tollingtons display in conversa- 
tion between the S.P.C.A. and the Y.M.C.A. 
can only be called regrettable. They obviously 
think that both these societies are branches of 
the same parent body, and allude to the latter 
as ' a fair blessing to the donkeys of Cairo.' 

It becomes every moment clearer to me that 
the deception cannot last much longer, and 
unless Miss Sadenham can be induced to go 
away soon we shall be exposed. 

My conviction is, I feel sure, shared by Mrs. 
Chafferly, judging from her almost despairing 
expression. 

The only person who enjoys the whole thing 
thoroughly is Mrs. Fitz, who having got us into 
this awful mess is now shamelessly amusing 
herself by drawing out the various members 
of the company, to their complete discomfort 
and disgrace and her own infinite entertain- 
ment. 

Any uncertainty in my mind as to the desira- 
bility of our bringing our performance to a close 



SUPPER— PART II 169 

is soon swept away. Miss Sadenham asks the 
Baron whether it is true that the Arab women 
are as transcendently beautiful as tradition 
says, and receives an excellent reply from him, 
founded on the knowledge he obtained from a 
child's edition of the Arabian Nights, which he 
read when he was eight years old. 

Dick Rimington, interested in the conversa- 
tion, forgets all else, and fixing his eyes reflect- 
ively on the cornice of the ceiling, remarks : 

' I had a pal who knew a little Arab Yum 
once,' and then with an expression of sudden 
anguish, he continues : c I say, steady on, Mrs. 
Chaff. You 've a boatful of floor to yourself, 
so please keep the Looey Kainzes off the wheat- 
field.' 

This, I feel, as Dick himself would say, has 
'torn it,' but the Baron makes one desperate 
effort to save the situation. 

He quickly, but with no sign of flurry, confides 
to Miss Sadenham the following veracious facts, 
viz. that Dick and Mrs. Chafferly are brother 
and sister-in-law by her first marriage, and that 
Rimington himself rose from a very humble 
position in life by his great qualities and genius. 
As the Baron expresses it, ' He broomed in the 
street. He was a street wiper.' 

6 This,' adds the Baron in a half -whisper, 
'makes him funny talk at whiles, but nevare 
mind, one must excuse. He is the son of peoples 
from where he rose,' and so on, all of which 
Miss Sadenham seems actually to accept or, 
shall I say, swallow. 



170 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

At this moment an inspiration strikes me. 
Perhaps Miss Sadenham is living at Heluan 
and is going back there by the last train. The 
last train, as a matter of cold fact, does not 
start for nearly an hour. If I could only per- 
suade her it went earlier ! I will try. It is 
neck or nothing. 

I say casually but distinctly to Mrs. Tupper, 
as if the remark formed part of a current con- 
versation : 

6 1 do think it is really outrageous to change 
the time of a train in the middle of the month, 
and I cannot imagine why they have done such 
a thing. If I lived in Heluan, I should be very 
much annoyed.' 

6 Did I hear you mention Heluan, Lord 
Edward ? Might I inquire what you were saying 
about that place, as I am staying there at 
present ? ' demands Miss Sadenham. 

6 Oh, only that they have altered the time of 
the last train from Cairo from two to one- 
thirty.' 

c Dear me ! that is most unfortunate, as I am 
returning by it to-night,' cries Miss Sadenham 
in alarm. ' But the porter of the hotel there 
informed me most distinctly that the time of 
departure was two.' 

' Yes, and it was quite natural he should do 
so. That train has always left at two ever 
since I can remember, and he probably has not 
seen the alteration.' 

6 Then, as I have only just sufficient time to 
reach the station comfortably before the hour 



SUPPER— PART II 171 

of departure, I am afraid I must go now, 5 says 
Miss Sadenham, rising to her feet. ' Lilian, I 
must ask you to excuse me. 5 

We all rise, and the Baron slips out to see, as 
he whispers to me, that the porter here does 
not make any mistakes. 

We all take a formal farewell of Miss Saden- 
ham, Dick 5 s adieu being a model of awkward 
pomposity, and she retires with great dignity 
accompanied by the miserable Bentley, who is 
trembling lest she should revert to the imaginary 
story. 

We wait in moderate quiet until the Baron 
and Bentley return. 

A chorus of c Has she gone ? 5 bursts out, and 
on an affirmative answer being received, a gay 
and riotous scene begins. 

The Baron, tastefully draped in a table-cloth 
with a napkin tied round his head, is giving us 
an admirable imitation of our late companion 5 s 
manner, whilst amid a shower of missiles of 
various sorts Bentley at the piano thumps out 
'The Turkish Patrol 5 (his only tune), to which 
melody the words, ' The sad old frump has 
gone away, has gone away, 5 etc., are sung by 
such of the company as are not dancing a war 
dance in the centre of the room. I have just 
been shoved up on to a chair with a cracker 
cap on my head to make a speech, when the 
door opens, and, horror of horrors ! in walks 
Miss Sadenham. 

Yes, I dare say it is cowardly, but with one 
bound I try to get behind the narrow window 



172 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

curtain, where I find at least four more of our 
party who have been struck by the same brilliant 
idea as myself. The space behind the curtain 
is sufficient, as they say of the cabs, for not 
exceeding two, and in the scuffle to crowd in, 
down comes the curtain with a crash, and we 
are disclosed holding on to one another in 
most picturesque attitudes. 

Dick Rimington, who is facing the piano, 
remains quite unconscious of the disaster, bellow- 
ing out our 6 setting ' to ' The Turkish Patrol, 5 
whilst Bentley stolidly thumps the instrument. 

At last, however, Dick looks round, and his 
voice dies away in a quaver, while Bentley, with 
more quickness than any one would have given 
him credit for, dives down behind a sofa. 

Alone the Baron and Mrs. Fitz stand their 
ground, though they look as if they wished it 
was any one else's. 

Miss Sadenham glares at the assembled multi- 
tude with a cold and steely eye. 

6 1 returned,' she says, 6 for my purse, which 
I unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, left on 
the supper table.' 

The Baron, with as much dignity as one can 
expect from a man whose head is tied up in a 
napkin and who has a table-cloth pinned to 
his back, immediately picks up the purse and 
presents it to Miss Sadenham with a low bow. 

c Lilian,' says the voice of doom, ' may I ask 
you to come with me into the hall ? I think 
you will admit this matter needs explanation,' 
and out of the room Miss Sadenham stalks, 






SUPPER— PART II 173 

followed by the unhappy Mrs. Fitz, who rejects 
all offers of support. 

We look at one another in a rather shame- 
faced way, until the ludicrous side of the adven- 
ture strikes us, and we weep with laughter. 

We are just recovering, and have begun to 
discuss whether a relief column should not be 
despatched to the aid of Mrs. Fitz, when that 
lady dances into the room. 

' She is an old darling and we are all beasts,' 
she announces. ' She is not going to say a 
word about it at home, and we are to go and 
dine with her on next Monday, and Mr. Riming- 
ton is to explain everything he says. Isn't she 
an old trump ? ' 

We join in an appreciative chorus of praise, 
and a slightly amended version of ' The dear 
old trump has gone away,' etc., is sung with 
much spirit ; a final glass is drunk to all our 
healths, and we go out into the hall. 

As I put Mrs. Fitz into her cloak, she con- 
fides to me : 

4 It is too awful. Poor Captain Bentley was 
telling me how lonely his life was, when I burst 
out laughing. I am sure I shall never be able 
to explain to him why I laughed, because if I 
do I must tell him I was not listening to him. 

* And now don't you think really, Lord Edward, 
that it was not quite a nice joke to play on an 
old lady ? Ain't you a little bit sorry you pro- 
posed it ? I told her I was sure you only meant 
it in fun, but I don't really think it was quite 
nice of you,' and then making a face at me like 



174 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

a naughty baby, she is into her carriage and 
away. 

The Baron, with whom I share a cab home, 
is much pleased with his evening's amusement. 

6 That is,' he announces, c what you call your 
rags. It is very funny. We will have rags 
very often together.' 

He drops me at my door soon after uttering 
this gruesome threat, and I climb wearily up 
my stairs to bed. 

I hate this going to bed at two — I shall be a 
mere wreck to-morrow. Besides, I have a theory 
that I cannot sleep after a rowdy evening, 
especially, I reflect as I get into bed, with the 
noise of the traffic going on till four or five, as it 
does in Cairo. Quite impossible to sleep — sleep, 
traffic — aughr snorrr ! 



CHAPTER XII 
MY DREAM 

In my sleep I dream a dream. 

Instead of lying in my room in the close, 
dusty air of Cairo amid the ceaseless, sordid 
turmoil of the city, I am on the bank of the 
Great River in the country that I love, the 
country of the Nile, where it is not yet scattered 
into branches and canals, but untouched and 
unguided it flows along between the grim desert 
hills like the promise of hope in a despairing 
soul. 

From the shape of the hills I know where I 
am, but all around me, save their outlines, is 
changed. 

Magnificent buildings resplendent in colour 
and tracery fill the places of the desolate ruins 
of to-day, whilst luxuriant gardens, resonant 
with the sound of plashing water, occupy the 
spots we know as dusty wastes. 

I wonder little at the change, as one does in 
dreams, and look around me with a deadened, 
listless interest. 

In the distance across the river, I see the 
peasants tilling their fields with plough and 
oxen, and the familiar moaning creak of the 
distant water-wheels strikes clearly on my ear, 

176 



176 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

whilst from at hand rise the sounds of music, 
laughter, and many voices. 

The place on which I stand is a terrace of 
massive and curiously carved stone-work, over- 
hanging the very bank of the river. Its decora- 
tion is of the richest, and its pavement is covered 
with rich carpets and stuffs of price, the brill- 
iancy of whose hues vies with the shimmering 
blue of the mountains and the sky. the glowing 
yellow of the distant sands, and the rich trans- 
parent green of the water. 

On the terrace stands, beautifully carved in 
rare alabaster, a kiosk or summer-house, of which 
the side towards the river is open. 

In this kiosk, on a raised dais of gleaming 
silver, is a great divan or sofa covered with 
tissues of gold and gems, which glitter and shine 
in the subdued light of the building. 

Many attendants in rich fantastic clothing 
surround the divan, and on it is seated one whose 
magnificence outshines that of all the others, as 
the sun outshines the stars. 

It needs not the majesty of his demeanour, 
the kingly dress or the great crown of Upper 
and Lower Egypt, to tell me that I am in the 
presence of the great monarch, Pharaoh, King 
of Egypt. 

By his side is a man whose noble presence is 
scarcely less striking than that of Pharaoh 
himself, though the half -bent attitude and defer- 
ential manner show that in the eyes of men 
he is his inferior and subject. 

Though dressed in the rich clothes of a noble 



MY DREAM 177 

of Egypt, the strongly marked features, sad 
eyes, and heavy lip, make him a man apart 
from those who stand around him. 

As he speaks, I know that his speech is that 
of a foreigner, though what tongue he uses I 
know not. 

His words smite on my ear as they reach me, 
as if they were of vital importance to me. 

6 Therefore, let not the heart of Pharaoh be 
troubled for the crying of this people. 

6 Let Pharaoh remember that when it was 
foretold him that famine would come on this 
land, Pharaoh stretched forth his hand and 
took the fifth part of the land and the produce 
thereof, and this, by the King's command, 
was stored in the King's storehouse in the 
charge of the keepers of the storehouses. And 
when the famine came upon the land and was 
very grievous in the land, Pharaoh bought the 
land of Egypt for the bread which he gave from 
the storehouses wherein he had stored the 
produce of the land, even of the fifth part of 
the land of Egypt which Pharaoh had taken 
into his hand. 

4 From that time forth the people have given 
to Pharaoh one- fifth of all the produce of the 
land, and now they cry out, saying, " Give us 
this also." 

6 But let the King not turn his ear to the 
foolish crying of his people. 

6 For though this people are as sheep before 
the King and tremble at his word, they will 
not regard the morrow nor what it will bring 

M 



178 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

forth, neither will they save of the fruit of the 
earth to put it aside, nor will they keep of their 
abundance so that in the year of plenty they 
waste their substance, and in the years of 
dearth they cry for bread, and so it will ever 
be with this people. 

6 Now through the might of Pharaoh and 
through his wisdom, the King's granaries and 
his storehouses and his barns are full, and if 
so be that a famine come upon the land, then 
shall the plenty of years serve the leanness of 
other years, and this people will eat bread and 
live and not die. 

' Therefore let Pharaoh not hearken to this 
people ; for if the corn were given to them 
they would surely waste it, and when the famine 
was upon the land, they would cry for bread, 
and because there was no bread they would die. 5 

As this speech ends, the King makes a sign 
of his gracious assent, and immediately the 
scene is obscured by swirling clouds of dark- 
ness, through which the water-wheels shrill 
out their monotonous chant ever clearer and 
louder. 

After a space, the clouds melt, and I find 
myself in a well-known room in Cairo, where I 
have so often heard the problems of the Govern- 
ment of Egypt discussed, and the policy which 
was to govern her shaped. 

The figure that is sitting in the well-remem- 
bered attitude at the table makes me start 
with surprise. Has He come back to help us, or 
was it merely an evil dream that he ever went ? 



MY DREAM 179 

As I wonder how it is, I hear one of those 
with whom he seems to be conferring say in 
familiar tones : 

' To put it shortly, our object is this : To 
prevent the peasant from squandering in the 
years in which he does well, and borrowing in 
the years when he does badly. This, we believe, 
our proposal will effect. 

' If you, sir, approve and will support us, 
we intend to put the machinery we have dis- 
cussed in motion as soon as possible.' 

The figure gives the quick decided nod of 
assent I knew so well, and the thick clouds of 
murky darkness again sweep swirling over the 
scene, whilst again the song of the water-wheels 
rises high and clear in the air. 

When the darkness is again disseminated, I 
am in a stately hall, bare and severe in aspect 
and simple in its richness. My eyes turn towards 
the windows, and I see that I am still in Cairo, 
for through them I see the Mokattam ' red with 
the blood of the dying sun ' standing out against 
the azure sky. 

A group of men seated round a table in the 
centre of the chamber I should take to be 
negroes from the dusky hue of their faces did 
not their refined and intellectual features show 
me that they belong to some race of which I 
have never even heard before. 

One is speaking in some strange, sweet, liquid 
tongue to the chief or President of the Council, 
for so it seems to be. 

1 The matter of thrift has ever been mis- 



180 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

managed or neglected in this country. Ignorant 
and barbaric races have made feeble and abortive 
attempts to teach the peasant to save and put 
by, or have devised crude and unpractical 
schemes to do it for him. 

4 1 have already explained that all these 
efforts were on hopelessly mistaken lines, and 
even our own measures of reform in this direc- 
tion have so far met with no great success. 

6 The plan we now propose is, however, on 
totally new lines, and if adopted, we may safely 
predict that it will accomplish, in a few months, 
what others have failed to bring about in cen- 
turies and millenniums ; that is, to teach the 
peasants of Egypt to be thrifty, and while they 
are learning, to protect them from the results 
of their want of forethought.' 

The President signifies his approval amid a 
hum of applause, and again my view is obscured 
by darkness. 

The whining notes of the water-wheels sound 
louder than ever, and have, to my ear, a derisive 
and defiant ring. As the clouds again part for 
a minute, I see the peasants at work tilling 
their fields; and though they are attired differ- 
ently from those of our time, it seems to me 
that they are the same people ; and that, except 
for their dress, the Children of the Nile have 
neither altered nor changed since the days of 
Pharaoh, King of Egypt, and Joseph his 
Minister. 

And so I awoke. 



LORD KITCHENER 



LORD KITCHENER 

[This sketch was being written when Lord Edward Cecil was taken 
ill of influenza just before he died.] 

I am writing this whilst nursing a bad lung at the 
top of a Swiss mountain. I have to hand neither 
my old letters, portions of diaries, nor other 
documents which might aid my memory. This 
is no attempt at more than a sketch from memory 
of those characteristics of the great man which 
impressed themselves on me in the personal 
contact with Lord Kitchener I had the honour 
to experience. 

I cannot accurately remember when exactly 
it was that I saw him first. It was at Hatfield, 
and my father had asked him down. My 
mother, I think, had never seen him. My father, 
who had met him in the course of business, was 
much impressed with him. That I clearly re- 
member, for my father was not often impressed. 

I remember little of his visit except that he 
got up at what appeared to me then a godless 
hour — six. The day at Hatfield began at 9.30, 
if you felt energetic. 

He subsequently came to dine with me on 
guard. I should like to think I patronised him, 
but I am pretty sure I did not, as one glance 
from that eye would have put me back in my 
proper place. I know I asked him to take me 
as his A.D.C. some day, and I can only explain 

X83 



184 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

my temerity by the fact that one drank plenty 
of champagne on guard in those days. 

I cannot call to mind when I saw him again, 
but I think it was when he came to London after 
the incident when the young Khedive insulted 
him at Haifa. ' Naughty boy, naughty boy ! ' 
he said, gravely shaking his head. He had very 
little vindictiveness, and when, years later, I told 
him how I disliked the Khedive, he could scarcely 
understand me. The Khedive was not im- 
portant enough to dislike- He might hate some 
one who wrecked his plans, and he would even 
have gone (whatever others might think) very 
far to remove such an obstacle, but a man who 
merely insulted him did not seem important. 

If one could say that there was a key to his 
character, that there was one predominating 
salient, it was that he thought of the end of the 
task he had in hand, the fulfilment of what he 
had set himself or others had set him to do, 
before — much before — everything else. Com- 
fort, affections, personalities, all were quite 
inferior considerations. The aim before every- 
thing. He felt he was defrauding the Almighty 
if he did not carry out his task. This char- 
acteristic is mentioned by itself because, on its 
being understood and remembered, the compre- 
hension of the character depends. 

When the Nile Expedition of '96 began, I 
received a telegram offering to take me as A.D.C. 
I naturally accepted with enthusiasm. It must 
not be thought that I have or had any illusions 
as to the reason of his patronage. My father 



LORD KITCHENER 185 

was Foreign Secretary and Prime Minister, and 
it was to please him it was done, and for that 
reason alone. Lord Cromer was not in favour of 
a forward Sudan policy, and Kitchener was. 
My father's support was vital to his whole plan, 
and I, by reflected light, became of importance. 
I served with him through the campaign, and 
cannot truthfully say that I liked him at that 
period. He was much more uncouth and un- 
civilised at that time than he was later. He 
used to have little consideration for any one, 
and was cassant and rude. He was always 
inclined to bully his own entourage, as some men 
are rude to their wives. He was inclined to let 
off his spleen on those round him. He was often 
morose and silent for hours together. He was 
an uncomfortable chief, too, as he never let you 
know when he was going to do anything. He 
liked to slip away by himself, but he did not like 
your letting him do so. He would take his meals 
at any hour, and after a tiring day in midsummer 
in the Sudan, the staff might have to wait till 
ten for their dinner, which maybe was then eaten 
in solemn silence. His ' nerves ' showed in 
roughness and harshness, and he was playing a 
very big game. The War Office, who thought 
the whole campaign should have been turned 
over to them, were against him, and would not 
have been brokenhearted at his failure. Lord 
Cromer openly disliked the campaign, and took 
a pessimistic view of the situation ; and Lord 
Cromer meant not only the Egyptian Govern- 
ment, with Gorst, who was bitterly opposed to 



186 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

Kitchener, at its head, but also a large portion 
of Foreign Office opinion. So it was on my 
father's support and that of those with him 
that Kitchener rested. He did not know my 
father well, nor how far he could be depended on, 
and he had to fight the campaign with a rope 
round his neck. If he failed, it was absolute and 
complete failure ; no whitewashing or glossing 
over the awkward parts, nothing but failure and 
a definite end to his career and all the plans then 
in his head, which, alas ! he never completed — 
the foundation of the Viceroyalty of the Near 
East and North Africa. 

The points that struck me as a simple onlooker 
were his aloofness, for he seemed to confide much 
in no one, and his extraordinary grasp of detail. 
It was almost true to say there was no depart- 
ment of the Egyptian Army which he did not 
know as well as the departmental officials ; and 
though as a force it was tiny, a small force has 
just as many, or nearly as many, departments as 
a large one. 

In his person he was very neat and always 
scrupulously clean. He tolerated laxity on these 
points with difficulty. On the other hand, his 
office was a sea of papers lying on tables, chairs, 
window-sills, the floor. No one but himself knew 
where any particular paper or subject was kept 
or could find anything. He never let any one 
touch them except Watson, Bailey, if there, and 
a few others in whom he had confidence. I have 
heard him ask an officer whom he had sent for not 
to stand on the Supplies returns. 



LORD KITCHENER 187 

He would wander off at that curious stalking 
stride of his soon after dawn to the railway 
yard, the embarkation place, the store yards, or 
whatever interested him for the minute. He 
saw everything — nothing escaped him ; but he 
officially saw or did not see as much as he chose. 
Sometimes he seemed to like one with him, but 
more often he liked to walk ahead, plunged 
apparently in sombre meditation. He usually 
got three good hours' work done before break- 
fast. He worked on then, except for lunch, till 
six in the evening, when he liked very often to 
have a gin or vermouth and soda and talk. It 
was his most human time. He would then go 
back to work till, dinner, which might be at any 
hour, and went early to his room. Whether he 
worked habitually at night I don't know, but I 
often saw his light burning late. 

In mind, from long experience of the East, he 
was cynical, and inclined to disbelieve that any 
action sprang from motives other than those of 
self-interest — or rather, he affected to be. He 
had in reality the greatest confidence in those 
who were worthy of it, and he was rarely if ever 
taken in. His cynicism was in a large measure 
a part of the curious shyness which declined to 
show any inside portion of his life or mind. He 
loathed any form of moral or mental undressing. 
He was even morbidly afraid of showing any 
feeling or enthusiasm, and he preferred to 
be misunderstood rather than be suspected of 
human feeling. Combined with this cynicism 
and suspicion, partly the result of many years' 



188 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

Eastern experience, and partly assumed as a 
cloak for other feelings, was a natural and al- 
most childlike simplicity, both in his outlook 
on life and his display of what most of us hide 
with care. 

He had not a trace of the hypocrite in his com- 
position, nor even that quality which merges 
into the hypocrisy of moral decency. If he was 
going to break the moral law in any way, he said 
so. He used to shock and surprise the respect- 
able terribly. This side of his character was 
naturally misunderstood. It depended on the 
dominant characteristic I have alluded to. If 
he wanted subscriptions for an object which he 
had decided was worthy, he took them or forced 
them out of people, if they could be got in no other 
way. If you examined it, he did not go much 
further than we all do, but he disdained to cover 
over his proceedings with any coat of obscuring 
varnish. We all get royal personages to open 
bazaars because we know it makes the receipts 
bigger. Lord Kitchener, when he found he had 
a price, so to speak, as a personage, coolly asked 
for a subscription to the Gordon College as the 
price of his being used as a figurehead. In the 
same way, for his own state and dignity, he 
needed plate which he could not afford to buy ; 
instead of sending a roundabout message through 
three or four people that he would prefer a present 
of plate to a gold casket when he received the 
freedom of the city of Barchester, he told the 
Mayor and Corporation plainly what he wanted. 
His point was that this or that was, he considered, 



LORD KITCHENER 189 

necessary, and the means of obtaining it were of 
secondary importance. 

Another reason for his apparently surly dis- 
position at this time was health. His digestion 
was bad and he suffered from the extreme heat, 
for in the summer of '96 we were with but little 
shelter in the hottest place, so it is said on good 
authority, on the globe. He was also all through 
his life subject to a most acute form of headache, 
which naturally did not tend towards geniality. 
Again, he had to maintain discipline amongst 
his officers and staff. The British officers of the 
Egyptian Army were not a very united body at 
that period. There was a frontier party, by far 
the largest, which believed in Hunter and did 
not like Kitchener, whose severity, and the 
economy he was forced by circumstances and 
superior authority to insist on, had not tended 
towards personal popularity. Very outspoken 
criticism was not uncommon, and a tight hand 
was needed to keep matters straight. 

We stayed first at Haifa for some time, and 
then gradually, as the river rose and it was 
possible to bring up our boats, advanced, till 
finally we pushed back the dervishes and reached 
Dongola. It must not be imagined that the 
sailing was plain. The difficulty of supplying 
a force of even fifteen thousand men was im- 
mense ; the only means of communication 
beyond camels (which then, as ever, died as fast 
as one could replace them, a camel being as fitted 
for regular supply transport work as a Bohemian 
for a domestic life) was a hastily laid railway, 



190 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

passing over very difficult country, with appalling 
gradients and curves, the rolling stock of which 
largely dated from the time of the Khedive 
Ismail. Thirty miles of this line were washed 
away in a night when we had only five days' 
rations for the whole army. Several of our best 
boats were much damaged coming through the 
cataracts, and the north wind was unusually 
late in starting that year, which made our sailing 
boats far slower than had been hoped. Cholera 
broke out, and at one time looked as if it would 
paralyse the whole operation. 

All through these disasters Kitchener's energy 
and determination never wavered, though he was 
querulous about them, with that queer sim- 
plicity to which I have alluded. He grumbled 
that he was doing his best, and if the powers 
above stopped him it was unfair and hard, and 
so on. The only time he at all broke down was 
over a matter which was in itself apparently of 
no really vital importance. We had built a new 
type of gunboat above the cataracts, and this 
was — both for its practical value, for great things 
were hoped from its speed and armament, and 
also because it was in a great measure his own 
idea — the apple of his eye. By straining every 
nerve it was ready in time for the advance to 
Dongola, but on its trial trip it blew out a low- 
pressure cylinder and had to be left behind. 

This accident made him quite miserable, and 
affected him as accidents of far greater import- 
ance had not. We dared not speak of the 
matter for a couple of days, until the new parts 



LORD KITCHENER 191 

were on their way up-country. Whether it was 
merely the proverbial last straw late on in a very 
hot summer and after many trials had been gone 
through, or whether he attached some import- 
ance of which we knew nothing to the presence 
of this particular boat in the advance, I don't 
know. It was one of the many points one would 
have asked him some day on some favourable 
occasion, but which one will never know now. 

As illustrating how little he knew of my 
father's character at this time, he remonstrated 
with me for writing in too cold a style a weekly 
report I sent him by Kitchener's direction. He 
gave me as a model a piece of prose he had 
dictated which would have made the most 
hardened ink-slinger of the Daily Mail blush. 
He did not insist when I demurred, but I am sure 
he was convinced I was wrong. 

When he got back to Cairo, after keeping me 
in suspense for three days, he let me go back to 
England, where I met him later. 

I went to Abyssinia in '97, and did not see 
him again till I joined his staff near Abu Hamed 
in '98 in the Khartoum Expedition. Though 
his general characteristics were of course the 
same, he had already softened a good deal. He 
felt more sure of his position and backing. His 
team pulled well together, and everything worked 
far more smoothly. Transport remained his 
great difficulty, as the stiffening of the force 
by a brigade of British had rendered any mis- 
behaviour on the part of the Egyptian Army 
more unlikely. We got to the Atbara, proceeded 



192 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

up that river to dispose of Mahmud, and then 
went on by boat for the final stage of the cam- 
paign—the attack on Khartoum itself. When 
Omdurman had fallen I had the good luck to go 
over alone with Lord Kitchener to Khartoum — 
as usual, he took no escort but his orderlies. He 
was certainly moved by the historical associations, 
taking trouble to identify the place where 
Gordon actually fell and that where his body 
lay unburied. He was, as he always was to the 
poor, gentle and kind to an old gardener, who 
came to him weeping, as he thought he would 
be sent away after fifty years' service, but his 
mind was really in the future. He was already 
rebuilding the capital of the Sudan, and his eyes 
were fixed on the south. The task first before 
everything — the reconquest of the Sudan and 
its re-establishment — was what he really cared 
for ; and the intense interest of seeing the place 
to which so much historical and sentimental 
interest attached could not obscure this even 
temporarily. 

In course of time we returned to Cairo, and I 
went home to rejoin my regiment. Lord Kit- 
chener came home shortly after, and, owing to 
the mismanagement of the police, had the greatest 
difficulty in getting away from Victoria Station. 
He lived, as he usually did when in London, in 
Pandeli Ralli's house in Belgrave Square, which 
he temporarily annexed. He was a dangerous 
man to go and see in London, as, quite regard- 
less of the fact that you had other things to do, 
he seized you and set you to work on whatever 



LORD KITCHENER 193 

he thought you could do efficiently. Few — I was 
going to say no one, and I am not sure it is not 
nearer the truth — dared refuse ; and the result 
was that the house was always full of the most 
heterogeneous elements, grumbling over their 
servitude, but often, if they had any sense of 
humour, amused at the situation. A very proper 
friend of mine spent his time in burning, after 
seeing there was nothing important in them, 
the mass of love-letters which descended on 
Kitchener, and which would have offended 
him. He placed women on a far higher level than 
is usual in these days, and it really hurt him to 
hear or see anything which touched this ideal. 
Another very sensitive man of great natural 
politeness spent his time in interviewing the 
most intimidating people, such as multi- 
millionaires, corporations, big banks, and firms, 
to obtain from them contributions to the Gordon 
College. He used to come back in the evening, 
looking as if he had been at a disturbed mass 
meeting, and gloomily wonder what Kitchener 
would say to the result. 

I saw Kitchener from time to time after this, 
but not in sufficient intimacy to see anything 
of his character. I met him for a few hours at 
Pretoria during the South African campaign, 
and afterwards from time to time in England, 
but I was never really close to him again 
till he came out to Egypt, when a terrified 
Government were trying to keep him out of the 
public eye. Whether he was then Inspector- 
General of the Forces or High Commissioner 

N 



194 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

of the Mediterranean, for the moment I forget. 
But I remember well how, without saying a 
word or asserting himself in any way, he took 
charge of us all and we dropped back into our 
old places. At Khartoum might be seen the 
curious sight of a Governor- General being severely 
spoken to by an unofficial traveller, and very 
frightened the Governor- General looked because 
the alignment of one of the streets had been 
altered. 

Except casually, I saw no more of him till he 
came to Egypt again in 1912, when I saw him 
practically every day until the War broke out in 
1914. 

I have set down all these details as it is neces- 
sary to divide any appreciation, however humble, 
of his character into periods. No man was 
greater in one respect — he never ceased learning. 
He had none of that almost universal vanity 
which makes us conceal or slur over what we do 
not know. When he came to something he did 
not know, he immediately looked round for 
some one who did, and if the matter was one 
with which he saw he would be concerned in the 
future, he learnt as much as he could about it. 

The Kitchener of 1912 was a genial man of the 
world, laughing at matters which would have 
irritated him profoundly in '96. During this 
time one naturally saw him more closely and 
under more normal conditions. The stress of 
a campaign and the magnitude of the immediate 
stakes temporarily deform the character. You 
would not say you knew a man, or be able to give 



LORD KITCHENER 195 

a good picture of him, if you had only met him 
at a fire. 

One appreciated more quietly the great 
qualities of Lord Kitchener when one saw him 
day by day, as one also became more acutely 
conscious of the oddities and contrasts of his 
character. What struck one almost first was 
the vitality of his mind. He was always doing 
something, planning something, and something 
big. He never was for a moment satisfied. No 
one understood more thoroughly and practically 
that life is far too short for all you ought to do. 
His mind was always devising something fresh, 
some new improvement, some move forward in 
the path he followed. This continual feeling of 
hurry was very stimulating, but very tiring. 
One lived, like the Jules Verne men dosed with 
oxygen, at a double rate. The mind might be 
middle-aged, the illusions of youth might be 
gone and a rough cynicism have taken their 
place, but the vitality of the young man was un- 
impaired — there was none of the hesitation or 
the let-things-take-their course of an old man. 

This energy was sometimes misplaced, and he 
would assume the personal control of a lot of 
details which were really not within his province, 
and which he could not do efficiently. These 
periods were, as a rule, short, and his inferiors 
had ever to be ready to pick up the threads 
where they were dropped. 

The second quality he shared with nearly all 
first-rate men, and that was the accuracy of his 
mental perspective. Big things only were big 



196 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

to him — to quote the criticism on Bright, he went 
from headland to headland, and left to others 
the exploration of the bays and creeks between. 

He instantly saw the dangers of the land pro- 
blem in Egypt, the overcrowding, the land- 
hunger, the absenteeism, and the inevitable 
discontent and political trouble that must arise. 
This led to his enormous drainage and irrigation 
projects, which had reached twenty-three millions 
when he left, and would have been nearer forty. 
He took up a policy like Lord Cromer's of favour- 
ing the peasants, and constituted himself their 
protector and friend. He was quite civil to the 
intellectuals, and entered into any harmless 
schemes they put forward ; but he was firmly 
convinced that they were of no importance from 
a political point of view. 

He was naturally and ever on the side of the 
weak and the oppressed. No one was perhaps 
in a sense more dictatorial, but no one was more 
truly just or had more reverence for the rights of 
his poorer fellows. The oppression of the fella- 
heen, and the way in which the half- civilised 
upper classes of Egypt regard them as little 
better than animals, stirred Lord Kitchener to 
the depths of his character. I often used to 
wonder what the feelings of some of the pashas 
would have been if they could have seen his real 
opinion of them in his face. 



A DAY ON THE SUEZ CANAL (1905) 



A DAY ON THE SUEZ CANAL (1905) 

[At the time these notes were written, Lord Edward Cecil was in 
the Egyptian Army.] 

According to my promise, I write again to tell 
you the result of the explosion expedition. 
Unluckily, it was decided to postpone the event 
until after the British mail had passed through 
the Canal. In the interval the Suez Canal 
authorities, who are exclusively foreign, consulted 
each other and let their minds dwell on the more 
sombre side of the question. A darker tinge was 
given to their thoughts by the daily Press, which 
apparently employed the lineal descendants of 
Ananias to write up the question ; and finally 
the Suez Canal Board in Paris sent urgent 
instructions to them to save as many lives as 
possible, but to die like men and Frenchmen. 

During this time they communicated frequently 
with the Native Governor of Port Said, who at 
first treated the matter in a most philosophical 
spirit, until they explained to him that probably 
his town would be wrecked, but in any case it 
was his duty to be present on the scene of action, 
as it was in his province. He then not only took 
a deep interest in the whole question, but firmly 
announced his intention of remaining in Port 
Said to calm the terror-stricken populace. 

As we all know, prolonged discussion of a 

199 



200 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

subject from a pessimistic point of view only 
increases depression ; and when your humble 
servant came on the scene, c Melancholy had 
marked them for her own.' 

I was first brought into the matter by being 
informed by the Prime Minister that the Canal 
authorities wanted me to furnish a military 
cordon round the scene of the cataclysm. This 
appeared to me to be a wise precaution as long 
as the Egyptian Army were not allowed to meddle 
with the actual explosives, but hardly as useful 
in a desert as in a populous country. However, 
I asked if I was to make my own dispositions or 
to take my instructions from the Canal author- 
ities. The answer was that I was to carry out 
the wishes of the Canal Company, who desired 
that the cordon should be at least five kilometres 
from the explosion. A moment's thought 
showed me that the cordon would have to be 
thirty kilometres in length, and allowing one man 
to ten yards, it would take three thousand and 
odd men, which was rather more than I had in 
Cairo. But, as I wisely reflected, they would not 
have any one to stop if they wanted to, and it 
really did not matter how far apart they were, 
except for the dullness of the thing. I said I 
would do as they wished, and after discussing the 
matter with our only expert, who was once 
ploughed in a special examination on explosives, 
we decided that a hundred men would be quite 
enough to line from the Canal to the nearest sand- 
hill, and that, following the practice of the man- 
oeuvres and field-days of our native land, the rest 



A DAY ON THE SUEZ CANAL 201 

of the cordon should be ' imaginary,' because, un- 
less the Lost Tribes returned by the way they set 
out, no one would think of coming in from that 
part of the desert. Our only danger was that an 
excited Canal man should take it into his head 
to inspect the cordon. 

I started the troops off at eleven on Wednesday, 
as the explosion was fixed for dawn on Thursday, 
and had them camped for the night on the scene 
of prospective carnage. I had been for the last 
few days honoured by various communications 
from the Governor of Port Said, who seemed to 
have a vague idea that explosives could be kept 
in order by the military like a disorderly crowd. 
He had a strong opinion that I ought to do some- 
thing vigorous to make the dynamite understand 
that it could not explode as it liked in the Khe- 
dive's dominions, but must do so, if at all, 
decently and in order. I expressed my willing- 
ness to assist his Excellency in any way in my 
power, but generally held that this dynamite 
was essentially civil, being for mining purposes. 
This was to avoid any suggestion that the 
Egyptian Army should have anything to do with 
the matter, as I have explained above. On 
Wednesday the Governor began to feel more 
concerned than ever about his poor frightened 
populace, and suggested that he should come 
to Cairo to discuss the matter and stop over 
Thursday morning. After the troops had left 
for their post, he wired that it had been decided 
to make the radius of the cordon ten kilometres 
instead of five, so as to save what we could of our 



202 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

troops ; he added that this was on the advice of 
the great French experts, who had telegraphed 
from Paris. At first I was annoyed, as it seemed 
to me to be a half-measure. Why not really play 
for safety and let the cordon stay in Cairo ? 
A moment's thought, however, showed me how 
little it mattered, owing to our great foresight 
in employing the ' imaginary ' system. Once 
you accept this great principle, you can make a 
cordon of any size you like with any number of 
men. Here we were providing a first-rate cordon 
of sixty kilometres in length (which would have 
needed six thousand men at least under the old- 
fashioned systems) with one hundred men ! It 
only shows what a lot of nonsense is talked about 
our War Office when they say that they never 
invented anything but new buttons. I am sure 
if the Boers had really grasped that system the 
war would have been much shorter, but they 
were stupid folk. So I wired back agreeing 
cordially with the French experts' idea, and sent 
telegraphic orders to the Officer in Command to 
' imagine ' another thirty kilometres of cordon 
of the finest description. 

As the O.C. is naturally a truthful man, I 
thought I had better go down and help him, and 
also see the explosion. I got there late on 
Wednesday night, and sent one of our party to 
find out from the British expert (who had been 
sent out by Nobel's) what was going to be done. 

He appeared to be in a somewhat irritable 
condition, as he disliked receiving different orders 
every hour, and I could see was not at all the man 



A DAY ON THE SUEZ CANAL 208 

to be happy under the Canal Company or our 
War Office, or any really up-to-date body like 
that. He was the one grim touch in our farce. 
He knew that the dynamite had, owing to the 
action of the sea water and some chemical 
manure which formed part of the cargo, become 
unstable and dangerous. The least shock might 
send it off. He had, knowing this, to go and lay 
two mines in the ship, and connect them by an 
electric wire with the firing battery. He was 
confident that the explosion would be very local 
in its effect, as the high explosives usually are, 
and in his benighted ignorance put the danger 
zone down at one mile, at the outside. 

The inhabitants of Port Said disagreed pro- 
foundly with him : some left for Cairo, some sat 
on the beach in sort of bomb-proof shelters, and 
some actually put out to sea. By order of the 
Canal Company the ships in the harbour were 
double cabled, and all windows were to be left 
open, though the actual scene of the explosion 
was twenty kilometres away. 

On the fatal morning we proceeded to the 
railway station, where we found the senior 
officials of the Canal assembled. Only the seniors 
were allowed to come, on the old Hatfield Station 
principle that only people of some local import- 
ance may cross the line in front of an express, 
and, accompanied by twenty members of the local 
Press, we got into a special train that was waiting 
to run us out. I was glad to notice that we took 
out two ambulance waggons, but the absence of 
any coffins struck me as evidence of carelessness 



204 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

on the part of somebody. The Governor was un- 
luckily detained by business of importance, which 
report says he conducted on his face in a cellar. 

On arriving at the scene of action we alighted, 
and I was pleased to see how well the cordon 
looked, and quite regretted that they had no one 
to keep back. In this I was wrong, as I found 
out afterwards. 

I now devoted myself to answering the various 
questions of the Canal authorities, which were 
summed up by the Agent Superieur, who said, 
6 Then, milor, one can be assured that the mili- 
tary preparations are complete ? ' I assured 
him that everything that the most modern 
science of war could suggest had been done, and 
we bowed. It was an impressive sight — we two 
great men having our final interview, surrounded 
by the members of the Press, note-book in hand. 
I then was interviewed by the remaining Canal 
authorities in order of seniority, who each drew 
my attention to some point they wished me to 
consider, and after replying in suitable terms 
we bowed. I now decided to cross the Canal, 
partly to get a better view and partly to avoid 
an attack of hysterics, of which the premonitory 
symptoms had begun. I also was developing a 
severe form of lumbago : punctuating all your 
remarks by a bow needs a practised back if it is 
to be done with impunity. 

I got into a small boat and crossed over. The 
Canal authorities begged me to be quick, and to 
have the boat removed from the water as soon 
as I could, as a tidal wave would sweep down 



A DAY ON THE SUEZ CANAL 205 

the Canal, wrecking all ships, both great and 
small, in its path. Getting the boat out was a 
business ; and the Canal Company was nearly 
a Commissaire-General, or something like that, 
short over the job, as in his enthusiasm he lent 
a hand and had the boat deposited on his toe 
by the willing but clumsy Egyptian privates. 
He murmured ' Sapristi ! ' in a tone of deep 
anguish, and sat down in the Canal, producing 
a magnificent tidal wave on his own account. 
We helped him out and bowed, and he bowed, 
maimed and wet as he was. 

After a breathless period of suspense, en- 
livened by the French doctor's reminiscences, 
which might have been entitled ' Operations I 
Have Performed,' suddenly a great column of 
vapour shot up into the air and then expanded 
into a great mushroom, from the edges of which 
we could see tiny black specks (you must re- 
member we were six miles off) falling. Through 
our glasses we could see the waters seething and 
boiling in an indescribable way at the foot of 
the huge mushroom. 

We remained listening for what seemed to be 
an interminable time, and at last we heard a 
tremendous thud, as if something soft had fallen 
from a great height. Meanwhile, we had been 
nerving ourselves for the explosion wind and the 
tidal wave. We were, so our foreign experts 
had warned us, to be blown forward on our faces 
as the air rushed in to fill the vacuum caused 
by the detonation of the dynamite, and then 
swept from our sandy bed into the Canal by a 



206 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

tidal wave twenty feet high, which would rush 
down the Canal at the pace of a galloping horse. 
I had already selected a position where I should 
not be crushed under the flabby but massive 
form of one of the Agents Superieurs, but at 
the same time near enough to him to use him 
as a life-buoy during the tidal wave part of 
the programme. The maimed Commissaire re- 
mained in a prone position in anticipation. He 
was a kindly man who wished to give as little 
trouble as possible, even to hurricanes and tidal 
waves. We waited in constrained attitudes 
which gradually relaxed as each individual de- 
cided in his own mind that he was looking a 
trifle silly, and we attempted to induce the 
remainder of our fellow-creatures present to 
believe that we usually looked on at interesting 
ceremonies with our teeth clenched and our 
heads bent. It was a beautiful sight to see 
successive smiles light up those monumental 
French faces and the natural ruddy hue steal 
back to the leaden cheeks. It reminded me of a 
sunrise in the Alps, when peak after peak catches 
the golden glow. We recrossed the Canal hum- 
ming little songs in a nonchalant manner, as if 
we had been waiting for nothing in particular. 
Launching the boat was difficult to do with 
dignity, but we let the soldiers do it while we 
looked at the view, and only turned round when 
she was in the water. It really was a little hard. 
If only there had been a gust of wind from any 
quarter we could have pretended it was the 
result of the explosion ; if there had been one 



A DAY ON THE SUEZ CANAL 207 

ripple our faces would have been saved ; but 
no ! I have never seen in Egypt so absolutely 
still a day, and the waters of the Canal were 
as smooth as glass. Once over, things went 
better, and we mounted the train to be carried 
nearer to the scene of destruction. I was glad 
to notice that a tactful railway official had got 
rid of the hospital car. 

We were prepared for the worst now, and it 
was lucky. Mile after mile was passed and no 
sign of the explosion was visible. In fact, until 
we came within the danger zone according to 
the despised Briton, the face of nature was un- 
changed, except where the Canal Company had 
pulled things down to avoid their being broken. 
When we did get close there was much to look 
at, and it was very interesting. Everything was 
shredded, after the manner of dynamite. It 
seems to tear things up into small pieces. Great 
pieces of iron and steel, torn, not broken, lay 
about in all directions, and the wood was in 
many cases literally pulped. We spent a most 
interesting hour there examining the effects of 
the shock. A mass of earth two hundred feet 
long by sixty wide had been blown clean out of 
the solid bank against which the ship had lain, 
and that earth had disappeared. Where it went 
to I don't know ; but I suppose it was scattered 
abroad in small fragments. Great fish were 
picked up in the desert a hundred yards from 
the Canal bank, and some of the heavier pieces 
of iron flew a thousand yards before they came 
to a standstill. 



208 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

On one thing we — I mean the British portion 
of the onlookers — congratulated ourselves, and 
that was that the Entente cordiale had been pre- 
served unclouded throughout the day. I re- 
marked on this with much satisfaction to the 
English head of the railways, who was with us, 
as we ran up the line in our ' special ' to visit 
the southern limit of the danger zone. He 
cordially agreed, when, as we slowed down pre- 
paratory to stopping at the point where the 
cordon crossed the line, we heard a terrible 
sound. There was no mistaking it. It was the 
voice of a Frenchman hoarse with rage objur- 
gating some one, and the first words we made 
out were — well, I cannot translate them, but 
they included the expression sales Anglais. I 
rushed to the window and beheld a scene far 
more terrible than any explosion. About twenty 
yards from the train stood our newest subaltern, 
who hails from the Far West of Ireland, with his 
legs apart, with an amused but tolerant smile on 
his face, and the general attitude and expression 
of some one passing a few idle minutes by teasing 
an irritable lap-dog. In front of him, I cannot 
say stood, as he was never still for one second, 
the most superieur of all the Agents. He was 
a very small, very fat and very fussy little man, 
who had often made me wonder how he contained 
such an enormous opinion of himself in so small 
a body. At that moment he was not looking 
his best. He was a rich crimson with rage and 
exertion, and he was performing a sort of war 
dance which, though, as I was subsequently in- 



A DAY ON THE SUEZ CANAL 209 

formed, it had begun as a sort of lively polka, 
had now from pure exhaustion degenerated into 
a kind of negro shuffle. His voice was nearly 
gone, and it seemed merely a question of seconds 
before he had a fit. As I scrambled out of the 
train, I heard my Irish subordinate sum up the 
case as follows : ' It is no good, monsieur ; I 
have told you you cannot go through the cordon, 
and you 're not going ; but if you like dancing in 
the sun and screaming I shan't stop you.' Here 
he was cut short by a yell of fury which eclipsed 
all the previous efforts of the enraged little man. 
In the background stood a mob of Greeks, half- 
castes, and natives, who were all jabbering at 
the top of their voices like a stage crowd. 

I hastened forward, accompanied by my rail- 
way friend, who in the excitement of the 
moment began talking fluently in a mixture of 
French, German, Arabic, and Hindustani. On 
seeing me, the Frenchman rushed forward and 
launched a torrent of hoarse whispers at me. 
He was nearly inaudible, and when he was not, 
one wished he had been. As far as I followed, 
he proposed taking the case into the Consular 
Court, sending for the French Fleet, driving the 
English into the sea, and shooting my Irishman 
at seven the next morning. In the midst of the 
tornado I had time to be thankful that my 
Milesian did not know a solitary word of French ; 
as if he had done so we should have probably 
had to fish the Agent out of the Canal, always 
supposing that he was not in bits. He (the 
Frenchman) walked up and down raving, and I 



210 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

perspired after him, never getting a word in ; 
and I began to think we should go on until his 
fit began or he dropped down from sheer ex- 
haustion. But at last I remembered being told 
never to give way to a man in this condition. 
So I bellowed in my best French : c It appears, 
sir, you forget to whom you are speaking.' At 
first it looked as if my experiment was going to 
be a failure. He changed from crimson to 
purple, but luckily he was quite unable to speak. 
At this juncture a less supirieur Agent rushed 
forward and murmured that I was the Minister. 
It was not true, and seemed to me an absolutely 
futile contribution to the conversation ; but I 
had forgotten a Frenchman's respect for a 
Minister. By an effort which must have per- 
manently strained him, he recovered himself, and 
muttering that I must excuse him, as he was 
outside himself, he fled into an adjoining hut. 
After a decent interval I followed, and we made 
speeches to each other and were very dignified. 
Keeping in front of the window in order to pre- 
vent his seeing the culprit, I pointed out that 
he, the offender, was cut to the heart at the way 
he had been treated for merely doing his duty 
and obeying the orders, not of myself, but the 
Canal Company, etc. I could hear the young 
ruffian whistling airs from The Little Michus, 
with variations, and my only hope was the 
Frenchman would not hear him too. However, 
all went well, and he admitted that he had mis- 
understood my officer, which was luckily quite 
true. The culprit was called in, and shook the 



A DAY ON THE SUEZ CANAL 211 

Agent by the hand with a bright smile in which 
no form of penitence appeared. We then drank 
weird drinks together, and parted full of mutual 
esteem and with as many compliments as my 
exhausted French could put into words. So we 
fared gaily back to Cairo and agreed, as my 
Irishman said : ' Rum beggars, those Froggies, 
but quite decent when you get to know them 
and they keep their hair on.' 



A WELL-MANAGED CEREMONY 



A WELL-MANAGED CEREMONY 

I am just getting over the effects of a funeral 
which I attended the other day. 

I received a message from the Governor of 
Cairo that one Ahmed Izzet, ex-Minister of War, 
etc., in the year one, was dead, and the funeral 
was at four. 

I cursed heartily, but I felt I ought to go, with 
which all my subordinates, who had received no 
invitation, cordially agreed. 

It was literally the hottest day of the year — 
108 degrees in the shade ; but I, with heroic 
courage, put on a frock-coat (black, but the only 
one I have), and a tarboosh, and arming myself 
with a large green-and-white umbrella, pro- 
ceeded to the house of deceased at 3.45. 

It is the custom on these occasions to sit 
round a room in the house of the defunct for 
some time before the funeral actually begins, 
and (nominally) discuss the good qualities of the 
deceased, the shortness of life, and other cheer- 
ing topics. 

When I arrived, already, saving your presence, 
dripping, I was ushered into a tent (instead of 
the usual room) which had been pitched in the 
gentleman's garden, and on which the sun beat 

215 



216 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

fiercely. From mere force of habit I very nearly 
undressed and asked for a towel, as the tempera- 
ture was that of a Turkish bath. 

I was installed in a nice * cool ' red plush 
arm-chair with yellow tassels and gold braid. I 
wanted badly to put up an umbrella, but I felt 
even the high position of a Financial Adviser, 
combined with the well-known lunacy of my race, 
would scarcely have protected me from ridicule. 

I looked round on the company and found I 
was the only European. On my left was an 
official representing H.H. in an even gayer and 
hotter arm-chair than mine ; and on the other 
side an old gentleman who has indefinite claims 
on the Government for a large pension. 

The official, who is, I think, the greatest rogue 
but three in all Egypt, is an old enemy of mine, 
so the conversation was rather sparse on that 
side, whilst on the other I heard again the purely 
imaginary story of my old claimant. As a work 
of fiction it was admirable, but very complicated 
to follow and containing things one does not like 
to think about on a hot day, such as, if a man's 
service begins according to his story at a date 
when you know he was only two years old, is it 
likely that he was, as stated at that time, the 
most trusted Inspector of Customs ? or can one 
by an effort believe that he was dismissed from 
the service by a series of plots which were carried 
on by all the high officials of the Government, 
with Lord Cromer's assistance and the counte- 
nance of all the judges of the Mixed Court ? or 
to say that he stole was a lie, for there was nothing 



A WELL-MANAGED CEREMONY 217 

to steal, and he replaced it on the next day, 
when the accounts were found correct, but his 
chief stole largely. 

I bore it and they bored me. (Joke.) 

After the usual twenty minutes I began to feel 
uncharitable towards the family for not going 
on with the funeral. What were my feelings 
when the official explained that at the last 
moment it was decided to give the deceased a 
military funeral, and a battalion and a gun- 
carriage had been sent for ! 

Of course, I knew what that meant. We sat 
for one hour and a quarter waiting in that tem- 
perature. As it is Ramadan the natives were 
all fasting, and felt the heat even more than I 
did. 

After a time, when the conversation did turn 
on the deceased, it was not at all complimentary, 
and the official, who, except for low cunning, has 
few intellectual qualities, said that this man 
always mismanaged everything, alluding, I sup- 
pose, to his dying during Ramadan, or mis- 
managing his own funeral, which I thought hard. 

At last the welcome sound of English blas- 
phemy in the street announced the arrival of 
two British officers followed by a semi-mutinous 
battalion which looked as if it had dressed en 
route. But no gun-carriage. This apparently 
had been ordered still later. 

We waited on, and I amused myself by nod- 
ding and smiling to various extreme nationalists 
who were glaring at me from the other side of 
the tent. It is an amusing pastime, as their 



218 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

friends immediately edge away from them be- 
lieving they are spies. I made one man so 
miserable by my cordiality that he got up on the 
plea of illness and left. I caught him at the 
door and thanked him for his services ? and he 
has been, I believe, explaining it away ever since, 
but he will never get them to believe it was my 
form of humour. 

Even this soon palled ; and, besides that, I 
felt that by continued deliquescence I was like 
a Boojum Snark — vanishing away. 

The official, who for the last ten minutes had 
been interspersing deep groans of heat and 
exhaustion with Arabic oaths of a most unsuit- 
able nature, looked at his watch. From crimson 
he became black. ' My dinner,' he gasped, ' I 
shall be late for my dinner.' And, rising to his 
feet, he announced that the deceased must be 
carried to the cemetery on men's shoulders, as 
the gun-carriage, it might be by the will of 
Allah, would never come. A sound nearly re- 
sembling a cheer arose from the mourners, and 
in a jiffy the deceased, slung on two broom 
handles and a clothes prop, started down the 
road to the solemn strains of the Funeral March 
(imperfectly executed in rather quick time be- 
cause we were late). 

The official and I at the head of a motley 
crowd of exhausted mourners followed through 
the stinks and dust of old Cairo. 

The official, recovering his self-importance, 
which I really believe is larger than his waist- 
coat, kept on marshalling the procession and 



A WELL-MANAGED CEREMONY 219 

sending advice to the military officers on how 
military funerals should be run. 

The messengers he sent returned with the air 
of men who had seen affliction. 

I myself had wisely avoided speaking to the 
British commandant, and I am sure if the 
Pasha had heard how his messengers were re- 
ceived, he would have reserved his advice for 
another and cooler season. 

His Excellency, full of military ardour, now 
made a frantic effort to keep step to the music, 
giving a sort of little hop whenever he thought 
he was out of step, which averaged out at about 
once in four steps. The unsophisticated mourners 
thought, I suppose, that this was part of the 
ceremonial of a military funeral, and religiously 
imitated him. I only looked back once, as after 
that I dared not, for fear of disgracing myself 
and hurting people's feelings, but I shall never 
forget that fat and superheated body of men 
hopping gravely down that sun-scorched road 
with agony written on every feature of their 
broad but expressive countenances. 

Another incident occurred which again nearly 
destroyed my character. 

An aged Mullah or Turkish priest announced 
that he wished to carry the deceased. He 
meant, poor old man, to lay his hand on one of 
the broom handles in a ceremonial way. 

Not so was it understood by the dirty and 
perspiring gardener who had been pressed into 
the service. He quickly placed the handle on 
the old man's shoulder, who immediately sub- 



220 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

sided into the roadway and was carried home, 
whilst I and the official rushed forward just in 
time to save a catastrophe. 

The official, in tones which pierced the music, 
announced his opinion of the gardener and his 
family, and amid murmurs of applause from the 
mourners resumed his hopping with moody 
determination. 

We then mercifully arrived at the Mosque, 
where, according to custom, I left them. 



AN OFFICIAL CORRESPONDENCE, 1916 



AN OFFICIAL CORRESPONDENCE, 1916 

January 1st. F.O. to Cairo. 

101. Greek Prime Minister wishes to im- 
port grain. Can you do this ? 
January teh. Cairo to F.O. 

416. Your 101 not understood. Where 
does he want to import ? Is it into Egypt ? 
January Sth. F.O. to Cairo. 

103. Greek Prime Minister wishes to import 
grain into Greece. Can you do this ? 
January 11th. Cairo to F.O. 

420. Your 103. We have done it several 
times. 
January 12th. F.O. to Cairo. 

108. Regret copy mislaid. What is gist of 
my 103 ? If possible, repeat. 
January lUh. Cairo to F.O. 

Regret copy of your 103 mislaid here. Be- 
lieve it concerned Greek Prime Minister. 
January 16th. F.O. to Cairo. 

108. Greek Prime Minister wishes to im- 
port grain into Greece. Can you do this ? 
January 19th. Cairo to F.O. 

428. Your 108. We have imported grain 
into Greece several times. It was believed to 
go to the German Army. 

223 



224 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

January 22nd. F.O. to Cairo. 

112. Your 428. If you import grain to 
Greek Prime Minister, can you suggest measures 
to prevent its reaching the German Army ? 
Would Prime Minister's personal guarantee be 
sufficient ? 

January 2teh. Cairo to F.O. 

430. Your 112. Which Prime Minister's 
guarantee do you suggest ? Prefer M. Briand, 
if still in office. 

January 27th. F.O. to Cairo. 

114. Your 430. We alluded to Greek 
Prime Minister. Please let me have your views 
as soon as possible, as matter is urgent and 
delay to be avoided. 

February 8th. Cairo to F.O. 

435. Your 114. To avoid delay, suggest 
the personal guarantee in writing of Greek 
Prime Minister countersigned by British Consul 
at Piraeus, with documentary assent of British 
Government and approval Director General 
Customs Administration, Alexandria. 

February 10th. F.O. to Cairo. 

118. Your 435. Have agreed to accept 
joint and several guarantee of King of Greece, 
Archimandrite and Greek Prime Minister, 
countersigned by leading British merchant at 
Piraeus, Mr. Carl Sonnenschein. How much 
can you send ? 

February 13th. Cairo to F.O. 

440. Your 118. Will reply as soon as pos- 
sible, but some delay inevitable, as uncertain 
what Department of the Egyptian Govern- 



AN OFFICIAL CORRESPONDENCE 225 

ment deals with these questions. Have so far 
unsuccessfully inquired of Main Drainage, 
Public Instruction, War Office, Agriculture, 
Public Works and Wakf. Will wire again later. 

March 23rd. Cairo to F.O. 

150. Regret delay answering your 118. 
Matter very complicated. Your 487. Naval 
authorities object export of seed, as many 
seeds contain oil suitable for submarines. Can 
you arrange with Admiralty ? 

March 26th. F.O. to Cairo. 

495. Your 150. Have arranged with Ad- 
miralty. Seed will be escorted by two de- 
stroyers. 

March 28th. F.O. to Cairo. 

499. My 495. Have ascertained seed ques- 
tion less important than at first considered. 
Greek Prime Minister has written explaining 
seed is needed for his favourite parrot, who is 
of great age and delicate. Two pounds of 
selected seed will be sufficient. Please obtain 
and send. Admiralty consider escort unneces- 
sary under circumstances. 

March 31st. Cairo to F.O. 

161. Your 499. Am obtaining seed at 
once. Can you inform me of approximate size 
of parrot, as understand from inquiries that 
there is a direct relation between size of birds 
and size of food seeds ? 

April 7th. F.O. to Cairo. 

506. Your 161. Stop seed. 

April 8th. Cairo to F.O. 

165. Your 506. Seed stopped. 



226 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

April 12th. F.O. to Cairo. 

510. Your 165. As information has 
reached me that the Greek Prime Minister's 
parrot died last week of indigestion, no further 
action in matter is necessary. 



GOING ON LEAVE 



CHAPTER I 

PRELIMINARY 

Thank goodness nowadays nearly all we Anglo- 
Egyptian officials get our leave every year. 

The old Indian anti-annual-leave school are 
happily nearly extinct. I believe that they 
thought that no one ought to have any leave, 
merely because they were in their long past 
and misspent youths so unpopular at home, 
that they were forced to stay for ten or fifteen 
years on a stretch out of England. At one 
time they were painfully influential, but luckily 
for us the Government doctors took a very 
strong and altruistic line about the question, 
prophesying the most ghastly results, personal 
and departmental, if annual leave was not 
freely granted to all, including themselves. So 
it has now become the fashion in Government 
circles to say that it does not pay in the long 
run to take no leave. If you don't, it will come 
home to roost one day, and will find you out 
later on, and other cryptic and mysterious 
sayings, obviously depreciatory of the no or 
rare leave system. It is true that old Blatherly, 
the P.M.O. of the Egyptian Army, did tell me 
that the year when he did not go on leave his 

120 



230 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

work was indifferent, but he is an optimist, 
and besides I don't think that he was really 
trying to support the old anti-leave theory. 
Jenkins, our principal hygienic authority, who 
is incidentally a crank and lives on parrot food, 
will, on the other hand, tell you, if you can bear 
it, that the year when, according to his own 
account, he simply could not be spared from his 
work and had to stay here, he had a curious 
swimming sensation in the head, and lost his 
appetite so completely that even a Carlsbad 
rusk did not tempt him, and stewed prunes 
excited no enthusiasm in his jaded internal 
organisation. 

Though, as I have said, going on leave is now 
quite the correct thing to do from the earnest 
official's point of view, still we like to profess 
that we do it rather for reasons of health, and 
for the public good, than because of any per- 
sonal predilection on our part. We, therefore, 
according to our temperaments and the extent 
to which we have adopted Egyptian ideas of 
truth, advance in public various reasons why, 
though we ourselves don't particularly want to 
go to Europe, we are practically obliged to 
do so. 

Jones, who, by years of carefully graduated 
incompetence, has got himself placed on a nice 
warm shelf with practically no duties and a 
comfortable salary, finds leave necessary to 
relieve his brain from overstrain, and to enable 
him to accomplish the strenuous tasks of his 
official life. 



PRELIMINARY 231 

Alfort informs us that he positively must 
go, as he has to look after his grandmother's 
affairs, which, it is believed by the profane, 
he does by ascertaining if the old lady's will is 
still in an unaltered condition, and in the tea 
caddy in which she, being eccentric, insists on 
keeping it. 

Capperly deplores the necessity of going, but 
points out he must personally select the British 
recruits for the Department to which he belongs. 
It is hard to believe that this can take the whole 
of the three months, as the usual number selected 
is one in every two years. Certainly the people 
I have occasionally met him with in London 
and elsewhere, though most prepossessing in 
many ways, do not look like candidates for 
the service, and I should say are obviously 
unfitted, apart from the sex question, for a 
serious career. 

That Maunders goes home solely to see his 
wife no one who knows either him or her attempts 
to believe ; but many are convinced that Harper 
only leaves Egypt after, according to his own 
account, a moving scene with his physician, 
who is also an old friend, and who apparently 
invariably makes this annual statement : ' My 
dear fellow, if you don't go at once I am not 
responsible for what may occur. Your condi- 
tion is, I am bound to tell you, one which gives 
me much anxiety.' It is most self-denying of 
the doctor to say all this, as H. is a regular and 
reliable source of income to him whilst he is in 
the country, but then I expect, on the other 



232 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

hand, he is a very trying patient. Constantly 
prescribing for a man who is as strong as a 
horse and who would never have a day's ill- 
ness in his life if he could be persuaded that he 
had a stomach and not a destructor inside him, 
must be wearisome work. Anyhow, Harper, 
laden with medicine bottles, goes off to a cure, 
where he places himself under a noted German 
specialist, who tells him in confidence (as we 
hear later) that he, Harper, is only just in time. 
What for, we have never found out, but I suspect 
it is meals, which I am bound to say H. faces 
bravely and punctually, no matter how near 
he thinks he is to death's door. 

Bagley, on the other hand, we are led to believe, 
does not consult his doctor. He does not 
believe in 'em. He knows, ' My dear boy,' 
when you get that heavy muzzy feeling in the 
head of an evening, that feeling of repletion 
after your meals, and that quick, laboured breath 
after running, it is time to be off if you don't 
want to snuff out like poor Tommy Muddly and 
old Simpson, whom he personally repeatedly 
warned, but they would not listen, and there 
it is. 

Lamberly, as he has often confided to me, 
would not think himself justified in taking 
leave if it did not enable him to study on the 
spot matters which are of the deepest import- 
ance to his Department. This means the ques- 
tion of water supply, an which he has specialised. 
Not only does he travel all over Europe at 
Government expense to look at waterworks, 



PRELIMINARY 233 

but obtains I don't know how much extra leave 
to do so. Not content with thus meanly taking 
advantage of his position, he produces on his 
return a horrible report in his best style of 
dreariness, which we all have to read and write 
minutes about. It is impossible to conceive 
how dry water can be until you have seen it 
treated by Lamberly. His last effort occupied 
112 pages of type, and the things we wrote and 
said about it were naturally very bitter. So 
bitter indeed, that we christened the docu- 
ment ' Marah,' and, of course, some one told 
Lamberly. Even then the joke fell flat, as 
Lamberly confided to me, in his most pompous 
way, that he saw no fun in calling a serious 
Government question by a woman's name. 

Whatever reason we may put forward for 
taking or not taking leave, the fact remains 
that it constitutes the great event of the year, 
the time when the curse of Adam is lightened 
and when we, the sons of superheated toil, 
are temporarily free. For most of those who 
live abroad leave is almost as important as 
one's holidays were in one's schooldays. 

As it is so important an event, it naturally 
is the subject of much conversation and dis- 
cussion. We ask about each other's plans in 
order that if we wait quite patiently we may 
get a chance of talking of our own. There are 
so many points to be discussed. In the first 
place, there is the question of whether you 
prefer second or first leave. Do you prefer the 
soft enervating warmth of the autumn to the 



234 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

dry, fierce heat of the early summer ? Do you 
want to see your friends in London and ' do ' 
the Derby and Ascot, or do you want to shoot 
in August and September ? Then are you going 
straight to England, or are you going to stop 
en route ? Has Monte Carlo or Paris in the 
off-season any attraction for you ? Do you 
wish to improve your mind with travel ? Does 
scenery or sight-seeing, nature or art, appeal to 
you the most ? 

Then the actual route has to be considered, 
and on this we have very strong opinions. Some 
people will not go by a German boat, and 
many more by a P. & O. Every person 
who has been out here for some time has a 
favourite line and will defend it hotly against all 
comers. 

Of course the question of expense comes in, 
but this needs treating with delicacy, as we do 
not obtrude our poverty on one another except 
in a dashing sort of man-of-the-world way, 
nor do we allude to the cost being a principal 
consideration unless we are married and senior 
and wish to impress the world with our steadi- 
ness and forethought. It is quaint that men 
are almost as shy of admitting poverty as 
cowardice, and in both cases only he who is 
above suspicion can afford to say what he really 
feels and thinks. 

So we gloss over these sordid considerations, 
and our young bloods (for we have young 
bloods) talk of ' dropping in at Monte ' or ' giving 
Paris a chance,' whilst graver spirits argue on 



PRELIMINARY 235 

the relative interest of the views in Switzerland 
and the picture galleries of Italy. Great meet- 
ings in town, too, to see the theatres, and else- 
where for golf or what not, are arranged. It is 
strange that people who live all the rest of the 
year together in a narrow society should like 
to forgather on leave, but so it is. Perhaps 
some of us who have been long abroad feel a 
little ' out of it ' at home, and like to meet 
others in the same position. Officials, unlike 
prophets, have but little honour out of their 
own country. 

Such is the train of thought into which I 
have fallen on a superb evening in the month of 
April when walking up to the club to dinner. 
It was started by my receiving a somewhat 
curt note from my chief to the effect that he 
has no objection to my starting on leave to- 
morrow, but that he hopes that this year (under- 
lined) I have arranged for my work being carried 
out in my absence. I hate innuendo, and pity 
and despise a man who cannot give save in a 
reluctant and grudging spirit. 

During the hot weather we dine on the terrace 
of the club, which is cool but not perhaps an 
ideal spot for the purpose. It is bounded, as 
they say in the geography books, on the north 
by a Coptic school, a fine old-fashioned institu- 
tion with, as one cannot help noticing, a mediaeval 
system of drainage. On the east stands a Jewish 
synagogue, which is a miracle of ugliness ; it 
was designed apparently by one of H. G. Wells's 
Martians, who had become converted to the 



236 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

art nouveau school. It has a heavy, massive 
appearance, with queer twisted windows in un- 
expected places, and it is further disfigured by 
an irritatingly unsymmetrical scheme of decora- 
tion. And as on the south side you have one 
of the noisiest streets in Cairo, you have, before 
you sit down to dinner, three of your senses 
wholesomely mortified, whilst the dinner itself 
is of a nature to discourage any tendency to 
deify one's stomach. An Englishman will eat 
anything if it is served hot, there is plenty of 
it, and he is sure he knows what it is. The 
fear that a designing foreigner may one day 
make him unknowingly eat a cat is still 
present in some form or another in most British 
minds. 

One dines at our club, as at most other clubs, 
at small tables, but, for some reason I never 
have been able to fathom, there are no tables 
for one, and very few for two. If you come in 
at all late you are forced to dine at a table for 
four. This makes it necessary to sit. down, so 
to speak, warily. If you hurry on to the terrace 
without thinking, you will find yourself irresist- 
ibly impelled by some malign influence towards 
a table at which are sitting the greatest bore in 
Africa and your two most devoted enemies in 
Cairo, and you will have a purgatorial dinner. 
When bitter experience has taught you to be 
more careful, you will reconnoitre the tables 
before emerging from the doorway. One tries 
to do this as unobtrusively as possible, but it 
is an awkward business. You attempt to do it 



PRELIMINARY 237 

with an air of being only too pleased to sit any- 
where, but such a choice of agreeable company 
in front of you makes it hard to decide which 
seat one prefers. I hope I do it nicely, but I 
know other members have the appearance of 
discontented customers at the fishmonger's, and 
you fancy you can hear them say : ' A very poor 
lot to-day.' 

Luckily to-night I have very little difficulty 
in making my choice, for opposite me is a table 
at which are seated Tommy Dorimer, Harbutt, 
and Blazeley. Tommy is one of my most in- 
timate friends, and the other two are both good 
fellows and tolerable company. 

Tommy has had a life of varied experiences, 
and has served both in Egypt and the Sudan, 
besides many other even less-sought-after parts 
of the world. He has been in many places and 
has learned much, but has the grace to keep this 
to himself. He is youthful in appearance, and 
rather particular as to his clothes. He has the 
distinction of being one of the very few men 
out here who do not take themselves or the 
country too seriously, and who realise that it is 
in reality a huge joke or series of jokes, not all 
perhaps in the best taste, but very humorous 
nevertheless. It is not, as some falsely hold, a 
corner of the Empire inhabited by future pro- 
consuls and the grateful people they govern (as 
if any one ever did like being governed !), but an 
enormous and unending opera boujfe. Tommy 
and I, in days that were much earlier, began to 
write one on the subject, but we had to stop 



238 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

because we tried to introduce incidents from real 
life and made it too scandalous. I think we 
completed the first act, because I know it ended 
with Tommy's Ministers' Song (with dance), of 
which the refrain ran : 

' And every one of them has to pay, 

Pay, pay, pay, pay, 
Whatever they want and whatever they say, 
Yes, yea, yea, yea.' 

It was a brilliant work, but just a trifle too 
dangerous to go on with. 

Harbutt is a tall, old young man, with dark 
curling hair (which usually wants cutting), 
clear-cut features and an eye-glass which he 
drops when he wants to see. He is rather 
depressingly cultured, and is particularly weari- 
some on Saracenic art, which I am sure he must 
really know a great deal about, or he could not 
make it so hopelessly uninteresting. 

Blazeley, on the other hand, is a short, sturdy 
young man, with a sun-reddened face and 
straight, plastered-down, sandy hair. He is a 
budding pundit, and will, unless he checks 
himself in time, become an authority on the 
country and do a great deal of harm later on. 
He is already supposed to know more about a 
particular district of Upper Egypt than a respect- 
able man should do, and alas ! he disseminates 
his knowledge gratis to his suffering brother 
officials. 

As I sit down, Blazeley is just finishing an 
anecdote. This pleases me, as I feel as if there 
was one less of them in the world. Tommy, 



PRELIMINARY 239 

however, is possessed to-night, as he frequently 
is, by a mischievous devil, so he says, 6 How 
very interesting ! Do tell that to C, Blazeley ' ; 
and I, of course, have to say, ' Please do,' 
which I do about as cordially as one assents to 
one's dentist's unwarranted assumption that 
you won't mind if he hurts you a little. 

' Oh,' says Blazeley, ' it is not much of a story 
really, only rather characteristic of the place, 
that 's all. It would not interest any one who 
did not know the country, but I 'm sure you 
will like it, sir. I was up at Fareshein the 
other day, and I happened to be talking to old 
Mahmud Suleiman the Omdeh — don't know if 
you know him. He is rather a fine old bird, 
and a pretty knowing one, too. He says devilish 
good things sometimes. Well, we got talking 
about dogs — I really don't know how, but 
we did anyhow — and he said to me, " Do you 
see that dog ? " pointing to a great beast of a 
pariah — you know, one of those big, ugly, yellow 
devils — and I said, a string of Arabic, meaning 
" Yes, O Omdeh, I see that dog." " Well," he 
says, "he is the worst dog in the village — ill- 
tempered, savage, and without manners." I 
said, " O Omdeh, that I can well believe." 
" Do you know what I say of him, Excellency 
of an Inspector ? " says he. I said, " No " ; 
and then the old boy smiles, and says, " I say 
that he is the worst dog here, but in other 
villages he might be the best." Rather good, 
wasn't it ? ' 

6 Awfully good,' says Tommy. ' Sounds even 



240 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

better the second time one hears it. Both wise 
and in a way witty, too.' 

c Yes,' says the unconscious Blazeley. c But 
you know they are very witty in their own 
way, and jolly wise too.' 

6 Quite so,' says Tommy ; 6 1 used not to think 
so, as I was prejudiced against them at first, 
but a few sayings like the one you have just 
repeated convinced me that there is much more 
in them than meets the eye.' 

6 Perhaps so,' says Harbutt, c but I confess 
that their total lack of refinement is utterly 
repugnant to me.' 

' Quite true,' admits Tommy, ' and that is 
just where they differ so much from other 
peasants who, I think, all have a strong innate 
sense of beauty.' 

' Indeed, that is true,' agrees Harbutt, ' and 
though naturally the contemplation of Nature 
can never produce the same degree of refine- 
ment as the intelligent study of art, still it must 
and does have its effect in every country save 
this.' 

' Oh, of course, they are not artistic,' says 
Blazeley, with some contempt. c I never said 
they were. They have not time for that sort 
of thing.' 

I see Harbutt's hackles rising, and that we 
are on the verge of the deepest abyss into which 
a conversation can fall — a heated argument. 
So in order to turn the conversation I ask 
Tommy, who is travelling by the same boat 
as I am, if he has finished his packing. This, 



PRELIMINARY 241 

it is true, leads the conversation away from the 
value of art as a refining influence, but not 
in a very fortunate direction, for it appears that 
the leave prospects of both Harbutt and Blazeley 
are very gloomy, and that they both have a 
grievance on the subject. So far their cases are 
alike, but only up to this point. Harbutt, owing 
to Algar walking backwards in order to get a 
better view of his new house and unintentionally 
descending head first into a dry well, was called 
back from Florence, where he had just arrived 
and made a special arrangement for his stay 
at a little-known and artist-frequented pension. 
Blazeley, on the other hand, had after three 
years without leave applied for and been 
granted it. It was, however, cancelled at 
the last moment owing to Sopely, who has 
been always justly unpopular, coming unex- 
pectedly into five thousand a year and resign- 
ing on the spot. 

We try to smooth things over by abusing 
Sopely. Harbutt, generously forgetting his own 
troubles, leads off by saying that it was very 
inconsiderate. Tommy pronounces it to be a 
rotten thing to do. I go as far as to say it was 
scarcely fair, and Blazeley himself declares it to 
be unsportsmanlike, which finally damns Sopely, 
whose sporting tendencies, it may be incidentally 
remarked, have at no time of his life risen 
higher than a mild satisfaction in killing flies 
on a window pane. 

We then, led by Blazeley, who wishes, so to 
speak, to return Harbutt's compliment, con- 

Q 



242 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

dole with Harbutt on his personal misfortunes, 
with some remarks on the uncertainty of human 
affairs and the impossibility of foretelling the 
future. We do all agree that it was a very 
stupid thing for Algar to do, as he probably 
thinks himself. Harbutt, however, all but ex- 
tinguishes our growing postprandial sympathy 
by saying that he would not mind so much were 
it not for missing his annual intellectual bath, 
and showing signs of wanting to quote Italian 
poetry, which tendency is mercifully checked by 
the base and coarse suggestion from Blazeley, 
that a feminine personality has something to do 
with his regrets, or, as he more tersely puts it, 
he expects there is a little bit of skirt in it some- 
where. This pains and annoys Harbutt, and 
nearly leads to recriminations. The conver- 
sation then falls, as I feared it would, into 
two — I listening perforce to Blazeley's views on 
the condition of the peasants of Upper Egypt, 
which I have heard several times before and 
never agreed with, and Tommy being the re- 
cipient of Harbutt's ideas as to the position of 
woman in the life of the cultivated and artistic, 
which is apparently a cross between a stimulant 
and a poison. Something, as Tommy says 
afterwards, like bad whisky. 

Maddened by the wearisome iteration of anti- 
quated fallacies, as Harbutt once said when 
describing a row he had with his servant about 
boot polish, I again remind Tommy of his pack- 
ing, and we leave the dinner table. Refusing 
with enthusiasm a rubber of bridge with Colonel 



PRELIMINARY 243 

Shuffler (retired) and a visit to a music hall 
with Raffington, who assures us, by way of in- 
ducement, that the performance ought to be, 
and will be, suppressed by the police on grounds 
of propriety, we descend the steps into the 
odoriferous street and drive home. 



CHAPTER II 

PACKING, ETC. 

When 1 have said good-night to Tommy and 
ascended to my flat, I am confronted with an 
imposing array of locked and strapped boxes 
and bags in a plethoric condition. It appears 
from this, that Suleiman the Untruthful (to dis- 
tinguish him from the Wise, the Magnificent, 
and other minor historical characters) has com- 
pleted, or thinks he has completed, my pack- 
ing. I trust he has done it properly, but I am 
sure in any case that I should not have done 
it as well. I cannot pack. Packing is to my 
mind, under any circumstances, a more or less 
insoluble problem. If one packs close, in two 
days' time one cannot shut one's boxes without 
asking the whole hotel staff, from the manager 
down, to assist you by sitting on them whilst 
you try to lock them. If one packs loose, at 
the termination of one's journey one's clothes 
look as if they had been fighting inside the box 
the whole way, the struggle ending by the 
hairwash committing hari-kari over the shirts, 
and thus by its death destroying its enemies. 
I suppose there is a golden mean, but I never 
found it ; and I have now wisely abandoned 
attempting that which I have no natural bent 

244 



PACKING, ETC. 245 

for, and confine myself to giving the Untruthful 
general instructions on the subject, which he 
interprets in an eccentric and broad-minded 
way. 

After years of objurgation and remonstrance 
I have got him to understand what I may call 
the theory of packing for this particular journey. 
The principle is that what I shall require during 
the voyage must be quite separate from what I 
shall require when I get to England. This 
principle he has at last understood, but where 
he fails is in its application. He cannot grasp 
what I do want for the voyage. 

I once crossed Europe with half of my only 
trunk taken up by a typewriting machine, of 
which no part could be used as clothing. Even 
the ribbon could scarcely be regarded as a 
sufficient costume by itself, however cunningly 
arranged, anywhere but in Central Africa. 

Though this took place in early days and he 
undoubtedly knows better now, he still thinks 
that I want to play golf en route, presumably 
on the steamer, and that I make my official 
entry into London on horseback. This latter 
idea is firmly fixed in his mind. Even if I succeed 
in preventing him packing my long boots and 
khaki breeches of an ancient date, I am sure 
to find a pair of spurs or some spare straps con- 
cealed among my socks and ties. 

Suleiman in some other respects, it must be 
admitted, cannot be regarded as a perfect 
travelling servant. The prospect of a journey, 
whether he is to accompany me or not, always 



246 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

upsets him. In old days I used to have to go 
to Khartoum several times a year, and often 
had to start at a few hours' notice. When I 
told Suleiman that we were starting, let us say, 
that night on our journey south, he always 
burst into tears. He sat overcome by grief 
for some time, loudly lamenting his hard fate, 
which compelled him to pack in a hurry, and 
thus of necessity forget things, drawing down 
my wrath on his poor innocent head. After a 
time he partially mastered himself, tottered to 
his feet, and, blinded by his tears, began to 
pack by placing a frying pan and a tall hat, 
or some such weird combination, in my port- 
manteau. 

Nowadays he gets more notice, which is better 
for him, but even worse for me. The moment 
I tell him that I propose to start that day month 
for England, he packs up every single thing I 
am not actually wearing at the minute, and 
then promptly forgets in which box each article 
of clothing has been put. The result of this is, 
that dressing for dinner entails repacking the 
whole of my luggage. The Untruthful is always 
deeply hurt at this, and remains in a condition 
of chronic sulks until I start. 

There are several other crises of a minor 
nature which have to be also gone through 
before starting. One of these is when Suleiman, 
with a wild look in his eye, informs me (usually 
the day before I am to leave) that all the trunks 
are broken, and none of the keys fit the locks. 
It is, of course, no good reminding him that I 



PACKING, ETC. 247 

had asked him weeks ago if they were all in 
order, and that he had replied, with a readiness 
I should with my experience have mistrusted, that 
he had already seen to the matter personally. 
These alarms are, however, usually more or less 
false, and the one this year proved to have no 
greater foundation than that Suleiman in his 
condition of high nervous tension had been 
trying to use on my boxes a bunch of antiquated 
keys which must have belonged to the grand- 
father of a former master of his. 

This all occurred this morning, and after 
order had been restored and a suitable admoni- 
tion had been administered, I proceeded, accord- 
ing to my annual custom, to question the 
Untruthful one on what articles he had put into 
each bag, case, or box. The object of this is 
to try to make him think rather than to obtain 
trustworthy information, for the answers he 
gives bear very little relation to the truth. 
There is a chance, however, that after he has 
finished lying and I have gone away, he may 
correct some of his more salient errors. To-day 
he was not lucky, as he had only just assured 
me that all my clean linen was packed with 
even more than his usual skill and care at the 
top of the several boxes, where I could get at 
it with a minimum of trouble, and that this 
had been done the day before yesterday, when 
a perspiring washerman arrived with three 
baskets of the said linen and excitedly demanded 
extra pay, on the ground that it was only given 
to him to wash this morning. Comment was 



248 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

useless, so I left the two worthies to fight it out, 
and went off to my office. 

I must now pack my despatch boxes, which 
is the only part of the operation which I see 
after personally. 

I begin by carefully arranging their future 
contents in two little piles. There is stationery, 
telegraph forms, pens, ink, and pencils, which 
are always very useful for marking at bridge. 
There is my travelling inkpot, the pride of my 
life, which never lets out a drop of ink unless 
properly opened, which can only be done by 
jamming it in the crack of the door as the screw 
is rather stiff. There are half a dozen reports 
and some serious works on finance which I shall 
not read, and some novels which I shall. These 
I have chosen with great care. First, there is 
Dorinda of the Alameda (a sentimental one), by 
Wason ; The Fatal Tiara, by Le Snob (highly 
sensational) ; The Mystery of the Wry-Faced 
Girl, by A. Blight (ditto); Dripping with Gore, 
by Tedious Still (ditto, ditto) ; Coupled in Chains, 
by Elinor Streatham (a marriage muddle) ; The 
Death Cough, by Whitestone (mystical horrors 
written by a man with a kind of spiritual D.T.) ; 
The Duke Rides Out, by Pluffington Blobbs 
(historical, with lots of fights). I like them all 
except Coupled in Chains, which I thought when 
I bought it was about the chain gangs in the 
Australian convict settlements. On examina- 
tion I find, however, that it is two hundred and 
odd pages of the crass mistakes of two or more 
congenital idiots, and I expect it ends badly, 



f 

PACKING, ETC. 249 

which I don't like. I '11 look. Ah ! I thought 
so ! The last paragraph gives the show away. 
6 " Yes," she said, " I am free at last, but, like 
the victims of the French tyrants when released 
by the sovereign people from the gloomy depths 
of the dungeons of the old Bastille, I cannot 
use my liberty. The freedom of my spirit died 
long since. I can only sit and patiently wait 
until the end." And she did.' If she talked 
like that I should have given her any amount 
of freedom at once. Perhaps I can exchange 
the book on board the boat for something 
rational. 

Next I collect that mass of odds and ends 
which one always thinks one will want on a 
journey and never does. There are medica- 
ments, safety pins, penknives, cotton wool, 
travelling candlesticks, a small tape measure, 
some drawing pins, and a patent thing for hold- 
ing needles and thread. Then there are a 
certain number of confidential documents to be 
got in, and, finally, a little space must be left 
for the small articles which Suleiman, accord- 
ing to the law of probabilities, will forget to 
pack elsewhere. This finished, I find that I 
have mislaid my keys : I search my pockets, 
turn out both the despatch boxes, and find 
them on a re -examination in the pocket into 
which I thought I had put them, but in which 
they had somehow escaped my searching fingers. 
I notice again with regret the misplaced activity 
of inanimate objects. No conjuror can make 
small articles disappear with the rapidity with 



250 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

which they move themselves out of sight and 
reach when bent on annoying you. Keys par- 
ticularly will slip from pocket to pocket with 
a speed far higher than the human eye can 
detect. They will move from table to chair 
and chair to table without making a sound or 
apparently a motion. 

I feel greatly relieved. It is a great thing to 
have finished packing and got everything in. 
One nearly always forgets something, but this 
time, what with forethought and long habit, all 
difficulties have been overcome. But at this 
point my smug self-satisfaction is rudely shaken 
by a terrible thought. Put into words it takes 
the form, 6 What about boots ? ' I don't re- 
member where my ' spare ' boots have been 
put in. With a sinking heart I go to the small 
cupboard under the bookcase where they are 
kept* When I open the door, there appear to 
my horror-struck gaze my heavy walking boots 
covered at least an inch deep in a nauseous 
dubbing which S. insists on using on them, 
two pairs of evening shoes simply dripping with 
a new and lavish coat of varnish, my spare 
slippers, my golf shoes, my golf boots, my 
tennis shoes, etc. etc. 

I summon Sulieman, thinking over a suitable 
form of blessing to salute him with on arrival, 
but my summonses are in vain. He has obvi- 
ously gone for the night, and I now remember 
with horror that I told him to execute various 
commissions for me to-morrow morning and, 
as all the things were to be packed to-night, to 



PACKING, ETC. 251 

come to my lodgings only just in time to take 
the luggage to the station. This means that I 
must pack these beastly boots myself. 

After reflecting on what I should like to do 
to the Untruthful, I resign myself to my fate. 
First, I must open the boxes to see which one 
will best bear the extra strain. I left my keys 
on the table, I am sure, but, of course, they have 
moved, and I search the room first perfunc- 
torily and then systematically until I feel thor- 
oughly discouraged, when I find them on the 
table hiding behind a book in, as far as I can 
judge, almost the exact place I put them down. 
I open the boxes, which apparently have been 
packed under hydraulic pressure, and decide 
that there is the most hope of getting them into 
the big brow T n portmanteau. The next step is 
to remove the superabundant grease from the 
shooting boots, a filthy process, and then wrap 
them up in an old towel before packing them, 
so that they may lubricate as few of my per- 
sonal effects as possible. 

Then a worse task is before me. I must 
remove the wet varnish from the shoes, as they 
will be for ever ruined if I pack them wet. This 
has to be done with spirit, and I produce in the 
process some gallons of a fine, clinging, black 
spirit-paint, which gets gradually distributed 
over everything, including myself, till I feel like 
the ark pitched within and without. It is, I 
am sure, due to want of enterprise that a self- 
distributing paint has not been put on the 
market. The text-books always say that one 



252 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

should take advantage of natural tendencies, 
and the self-spreading power of black paint, 
tar, or varnish is extraordinary. A very con- 
vincing experiment to show this can be carried 
out as follows : Take of black paint as much 
as will cover a threepenny bit. Place it in a 
room with a small boy from seven to ten years 
old. In a few days you will notice that a thin 
but quite perceptible coat of black paint covers 
everything in the house. The same experi- 
ment can be tried with honey, but a little more 
must be used as the boy eats some of it. Though 
inferior as a distributor to a boy, I expect I shall 
find black varnish lurking about this room for 
years. 

However, at last the shoes are dry and packed, 
and I can go to bed with the pleasant thought 
that though, as the train does not go till eleven, 
I need not really be called till eight-thirty, Sulei- 
man's lieutenant, Ali, who will in S.'s absence 
perform this duty for him, will no doubt from 
excess of zeal have me out of bed at six-thirty 
sharp. 



CHAPTER III 

CAIRO TO PORT SAID 

The morning one starts on leave is a time of 
trial and tribulation. First, I am always called 
much too early, then I dawdle about until I 
find I am in danger of being too late, and have 
finally to dress as fast as possible, a thing which 
always upsets my equanimity for the day. 
The bath is, of course, cold, and my washing 
becomes a pharisaical ceremony. My razors on 
such occasions for some obscure reason refuse 
to cut anything except incised flesh wounds. 
My clothes are always put out wrong and I 
cannot find anything. If the article required is 
not packed up, it is put away. The laces of 
my shoes break, the buttons on which the whole 
stability of my dress depends are either broken 
or missing, and my very socks have so many 
holes in them that it is nearly impossible to 
find the orthodox entrance. Of my breakfast 
(taken at home to save time) it is impossible to 
speak kindly. The tea is lukewarm, the butter 
salt, and the eggs predynastic. 

My fate this morning is no different in these 
respects from what it has been on similar occa- 
sions, with the result that when I finally reach 
the station I am what is termed ruffled. 

252 



254 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

Here I find Mirsal, my shawish or orderly, 
waiting for me. He is in many ways the apple 
of my eye, but memory is not his strong point. 
He has, according to custom, forgotten my 
railway pass, so I am obliged to take a ticket. 
The ticket clerk, who is a villainous-looking 
Copt, is apparently adding up the monetary 
results of his last night's murders, and dislikes 
being interrupted. To mark his disapproval of 
my doing so he gives me a wrong ticket and 
some change, of which the amount, as far as I 
can see, bears no relation to any previous trans- 
action between us. Just as I am drawing his 
attention to the point and beginning what I 
know will be a long and wearying discussion, 
Mirsal, who has been fighting the cabman about 
his fare outside, appears and lets loose such a 
torrent of thumbnail word-portraits of the clerk's 
family that, used as I am to his powers in this 
respect, I am struck dumb with admiration. 

The clerk, realising from Mirsal's uniform 
that I belong to the sacred official class, merely 
bows his head to the storm and, following the 
advice of the old saying, pays up and looks 
pleasant ; that is, as pleasant as one can with a 
criminal cast of countenance thickly encrusted 
with the dirt of years. 

I now proceed to find my carriage. We 
higher officials are given reserved compartments 
when we travel, and these are for some reason 
always in the front first-class carriage of the 
train. Whether this is to give us our proper 
precedence in a collision, or whether it is from 



CAIRO TO PORT SAID 255 

a tender solicitude on the part of the railway 
authorities that we should take enough exercise 
for the good of our health, I don't know, but 
it is so, and it means one has a long walk before 
one gets to one's place. The railway officials, 
when they travel, I notice, have their service 
cars hitched on to the back of the train. This 
leads me into a gloomy train of thought on the 
selfishness of humanity. At last I arrive and 
am greeted by my secretary and the man 
with the feather brush, no one else having yet 
arrived as it is so early. However, the man with 
the feather brush is there. The man with the 
feather brush is indispensable in the highest 
ceremonials, and is present on the most ordinary 
occasions. When you call on a friend, he dusts 
your boots. When you enter a railway com- 
partment, the seats are dusted by him. When 
the Khedive goes anywhere in state, the last 
touch before he arrives is given by the man 
with the feather brush dusting the red carpet. 
The operation itself is usually purely formal, 
and only just stirs up enough dust to make 
you cough a little, but it is a sign that you 
belong to the higher or fit-to-be-dusted classes. 
I believe the man with the feather brush is the 
present-day representative of the slaves who 
waved the sacred feather fans over the head of 
Pharaoh. I am sure there is something in this 
theory, because not one of the archaeologists 
will look at it. Anyhow, I think I should feel 
hurt nowadays if I got into a railway carriage 
without coughing and sneezing. 



256 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

One of the results of living alongside Orientals 
is that you catch their inertness. The conse- 
quence of this is that we have many customs, 
especially social customs, in Egypt which are 
generally execrated, but which continue to 
flourish nevertheless because no one will take 
the trouble to do away with them. Among 
these one of the worst is the ceremony of one's 
friends assembling to see one off at the station. 
It dates probably from the time when Egypt 
was much further off in time from Europe than 
it is now, and when the return of a departing 
friend was a matter of more uncertainty. Any- 
how, whatever the original source of error, we 
still religiously see each other off at the station 
when we go on leave, so that one cannot even 
leave this thrice-blessed land in peace. A depu- 
tation of one's chief clerks, petitioners, and friends 
crowd round one at the last moment, and dis- 
tract one's mind from the really vital problems 
of whether one left one's cheque book on the 
writing-table, and if one did or did not lock up 
one's keys in the spring-lock despatch box 
which is registered through. It is idle mockery 
wishing a man who is on the brink of brain 
fever and without a handkerchief in the wide 
world a happy journey, or offering flowers, 
which is in itself a custom most repugnant to 
the self-conscious Englishman, to one who feels 
that he and his keys are parted for ever. It is 
a gruesome ceremony, only lightened by the 
arrival of one's servant in a frenzied condition 
carrying a pill-box in his right hand and a 



CAIRO TO PORT SAID 257 

selection of intimate articles of dress and toilet 
in his left, which he insists on giving one, quite 
regardless of the presence of one's lady friends. 
A man who wore a wig confided to me that he 
was so used to his servant giving him his spare 
one on these occasions before every one, that 
he had quite ceased to feel embarrassed, and 
would not now feel comfortable if this were not 
done. 

At last, however, we are off, and I sit down 
to collect my scattered faculties and mentally 
draft a letter to the Archbishop of Canterbury, 
suggesting the inclusion of c he who hindereth 
the wayfarer on his way ' in the suitable portion 
of the Commination Service. 

I had intended to start this journey with a 
minimum of hand baggage, but on looking 
round the carriage it does not appear that my 
intentions have been perfectly carried out. 
Amongst those present we notice (as the society 
papers say) golf clubs, hold-all, valise, hat box, 
two despatch boxes, rugs, book net, deck chair, 
luncheon basket, tarboosh case, paper parcel 
(contents uncertain), two bouquets, and a basket 
of fruit. 

Why Suleiman will send my tarboosh case and 
luncheon basket with me when I go on leave 
is one of the insoluble mvsteries of the East. 
Perhaps on the White Knight's principle. Any- 
how, they will be left with a friend at Port Said 
and probably forgotten, so they don't much 
matter. The bouquets can go out of the window, 
and the fruit will do to give to Mrs. Despard, 

R 



258 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

who went down by the early train this morning, 
and who, with Mr. and Mrs. Hester, is travelling 
home with us. I am very glad Mrs. Despard is 
going, but I could have spared the Hesters. 

I notice that the porters as usual have made 
an ingeniously balanced pile of my old despatch 
box, luncheon basket, and hat box on the rack. 
It is evident that it is only a matter of minutes 
before they collapse. I have no intention of 
playing at being Damocles with an Egyptian- 
made iron despatch box, which weighs as much 
as a small safe, hanging over my head, supported 
by a single luncheon basket, so I take it down. 
My despatch box is a marvel. I got it in the 
days when I still believed one ought to patronise 
native industry, and I had it made at one of 
the Government model shops. It is made, I 
should think, of half-inch plate, and is too heavy 
for any one but a trained athlete to lift. Its 
only other faults are that it holds less for its 
size than any other box I ever saw, and that, 
owing to the fact that a cheap lock was put on 
it in the interests of economy, it is liable to 
come open at any minute if you are rough with 
it. So it needs careful handling. 

I then make a compo. of the golf clubs, hold-all, 
parcel, and rug. Now, if I register the hat 
box and one despatch box through, all will be 
well. 

Tommy, who got in with some friends of his 
in another compartment but is already tired of 
them, now joins me ; but after saying gloomily 
that there are the deuce of a lot of people from 



CAIRO TO PORT SAID 259 

Cairo going with us, he is obviously not inclined 
for conversation, so I let him be, and open the 
newspapers with which Mirsal has provided 
me. 

We are not exactly in the forefront of civilisa- 
tion as regards our press. There is nothing in 
England quite on a level with our European 
papers. They usually consist in a leading article 
which is scurrilous but witty in the French 
papers and respectable but soporific in the 
English, Reuter's telegrams, faits divers, some 
articles or extracts from European papers, 
Bourse news, cotton quotations, and advertise- 
ments. There is also a column headed ' Per- 
sonal, 5 which is supposed to give one the fashion- 
able news — movements, births, deaths, and 
marriages. This column in the English papers 
is sometimes funny, as it is occasionally written 
by some Syrian sub-editor with a very im- 
perfect knowledge of our tongue. Thus one 
reads with amazement that ' Mr. Untel goes 
off his leafs on October the 2nd,' which sounds 
serious, or that 6 Wahid Pasha is condoled with 
on the gloomy decrease of his father.' 

Owing probably to paucity of material, our 
papers, especially the British ones, will put in 
almost anything you send them. "When we were 
all younger we used to take advantage of this to 
get up bogus correspondence on really dreadful 
subjects, and the perfectly serious editorial 
comments on our letters were worth anything. 

Perhaps the best joke we ever played through 
the press was when Gorley and I wrote an in- 



260 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

dignant letter signed ' Matron,' to say there was 
a poster on a hoarding in a distant and dirty 
part of Cairo which was an outrage on common 
decency. We followed this up the next week 
by a powerful appeal to have it removed, signed 
' Englishman.' We sent these to the editor 
under false names, and he accepted them. The 
letters sent many respectable members of the 
community on a most unpleasant expedition, 
and we had a most entertaining afternoon 
down there, meeting most of our friends, who, 
curiously enough, were all called there by various 
forms of business, or had wandered there by 
chance. 

At this moment the engine starts whistling 
more vehemently than ever. I once asked one 
of the younger station-masters why the engines 
whistled so much in this country. He replied, 
' Sir, the law says if you don't whistle he is 
murder or manslaughter, but if you do he is a 
total accident.' Our engine-driver is evidently 
out for a total accident, whatever that may be. 
Tommy says that we are just running into 
Zagazig, which proves not to be the case, for 
we soon pull up at a wayside station. All the 
native officials are apparently in a state of 
great excitement, and are rushing about fever- 
ishly. The station-master, who is a portly 
gentleman of unusually dark complexion, is 
gravely proceeding at a sharp trot up and down 
the platform accompanied by a shambling, one- 
eyed Coptic clerk, who is trying to hold a green- 
lined white umbrella over his chief's bead to 



CAIRO TO PORT SAID 261 

protect him from the sun. The station-master 
is obviously under the impression that he is 
doing something important, but unless it is for 
a substantial wager I cannot imagine why he 
is taking this unwonted and dangerous exercise. 
The panic increases, and the remainder of the 
station staff are now gesticulating and shouting 
in groups, whilst the ticket collector is sobbing 
in the corner. Tommy selects one of the sanest 
of the officials, and demands sternly to be told 
what the matter is. The man with an effort 
pulls himself together, and replies in voluble 
what he thinks to be English, ' Sir, there was 
accident. This train has run down, so line is 
block.' ' Any one hurt ? ' asks Tommy. 
' Station-master know, sir, I not know. Station- 
master very sorry. He like this one hour.' 
' When shall we go on ? ' I inquire, it dawning 
on me that we may possibly miss our boat. ' I 
not know, sir ; two, tree hours ; not long. 
Station-master telegraph all round as per regu- 
lation. He very sorry and upset.' 

At this point that worthy trots by with his 
faithful umbrella-bearer. He, the station-master, 
is purple in the face, and his eyes are starting 
from his head. He stops for a second, issues 
two or three contradictory orders, and gives 
verbal instructions, of a kind which are bound 
to be misunderstood, for another sheaf of tele- 
grams to be sent off. Tommy tries to reason 
with him, but he is incoherent, and starts off 
again down the platform to the accompaniment 
of the wails of the ticket collector. At this 



262 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

moment the signalman rushes up and announces 
that a train is coming down the line from Cairo 
and won't stop though the signals are against 
her. The station-master would scream if he had 
any breath left for the purpose. He murmurs, 
' Tell the engine-driver of this train to start and 
to go on fast.' 6 But,' urges the signalman, who 
has remnants of sense left, c the line is blocked 
by the accident.' ' Then what am I to do ? ' 
whimpers the station-master, turning to the 
telegraph clerk who has joined the group. 
' Telegraph at once to Cairo for instructions.' 
c It is too late,' says the signalman ; 6 in five 
minutes the train will be here.' c They will 
see the express and stop,' suggests the tele- 
graphist, who is obviously of a hopeful disposi- 
tion. ' No, no, they won't,' groans the station- 
master. ' If they won't stop for signals, they 
won't regard an express.' ' That is indeed the 
truth,' says the signalman. ' Every one must 
get out of the train,' says the station-master, 
struck with to-day's great thought. ' Do not 
alarm the passengers, but say quietly that they 
will all certainly be killed if they don't get out 
of the train at once.' 

The officials rush off on their mission, and in 
two minutes every one is scrambling out of the 
carriages, flinging their luggage ahead of them. 
The platform becomes a sea of furious, scrambling, 
yelling, fighting humanity, through which the 
station-master starts on his endless trot down 
and up the platform again. 

After this scene has lasted for some ten 



CAIRO TO PORT SAID 263 

minutes, a peculiar-looking train appears from 
the Cairo direction, whistling fiercely, and stops 
just behind ours. It is the breakdown train, 
cranes, jacks, and all. 

From it steps a burly-looking individual of a 
certain portliness, dressed in those peculiarly ill- 
fitting white clothes worn in summer by our 
railwaymen, from our general manager to the 
stokers on the goods engines. It is Larkins, 
whose special business is this sort of work. His 
imperturbable countenance is carmined over by 
the pink cast of desire to kick some one hard. 
He is, however, far too old a hand to show his 
irritation in any open way. On his appearance 
there is a distinct change of attitude on the 
part of the station staff. They quietly assume 
that, to most of us difficult but to them from 
long practice almost normal, position, the top of 
the fence. If the station-master is commended 
they will appear as his faithful servants and 
adherents, and get their part of the praise ; if, 
on the other hand, they find he is blamed they 
will dissociate themselves altogether from his 
action and openly bewail his folly, giving in- 
formation against him if necessary, especially if 
there is any hope of reward. 

Larkins speaks to the station-master in a 
polite and businesslike manner, but his first 
dozen words reduce that official to a cold per- 
spiration. I expect Larkins is suggesting to him 
the things he ought to have done, and pointing 
out that unless he can keep his head on occasions 
like the present, it is possible that in the interests 



264 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

of public safety it will be necessary to transfer 
him to a smaller station in a feverish district 
at a reduced salary. He listens with patience 
to the station-master's halting and improbable 
story, gives a few short recommendations, which 
that official translates into orders to others, and 
in five minutes order is restored ; the crowd of 
officials and staff have melted away, and every 
one is with superhuman assiduity attending to 
his own affairs. 

Meanwhile the breakdown train has got on to 
the other line, and Larkins, after pouring into 
our sympathetic ears a few bitter remarks on 
the life of a railwayman in this country, and a 
short sketch of what the station-master's future 
career would be like if he, Larkins, could do 
what he chose, gets into his car, and the break- 
down train starts off for the scene of the disaster. 
He told Tommy before he left, that from in- 
formation received from another station, he did 
not believe there was much damage done, and 
he would probably be able to clear the up line 
at all events in a short space of time. 

As there is nothing to do but to wait, we 
wander up and down the platform, which is 
now empty, as the rest of the passengers have 
been put quietly and unostentatiously back 
into their carriages. 

We fall to discussing the effect of that weirdest 
of all human phenomena, panic, on the natives 
of the Delta, and the way in which an Oriental 
crowd passes in a few seconds from an indifferent, 
good-tempered, docile mass to a collection of 



CAIRO TO PORT SAID 265 

raving maniacs with strong homicidal tendencies. 
The Northern Egyptian is a curious mixture of 
apathy if things are done for or to him, and mad 
excitability if he himself has to take an active 
and responsible part in anything that needs 
action. 

Gradually the time slips away and we have 
just exhausted all our conversation, and are 
about to re-enter the railway carriage, when a 
message comes that we can proceed by the up 
line. This is communicated to the engine-driver, 
who seems doubtful of the wisdom of the pro- 
ceeding. We join the improvised council, com- 
posed of the station-master, the signalman, and 
the engine-driver himself, who are discussing 
the affair. The station-master says : ' It is an 
order. See thou, it is quite clear. It reads 
thus, " Up line clear, but use caution after pass- 
ing the bridge over the canal." ' 

4 But,' says the engineer, advancing his prin- 
cipal argument, ' there is an express due from 
Ismailia shortly. 5 

6 1 tell thee, O brother, it is an order signed by 
Salesy Bey himself, and thou canst go carefully 
with due precaution.' 

6 But,' says the engineer, who is obviously 
an obstinate fellow who hates collisions, ' the 
order says truly that the line is clear, but it 
says nought of the express. What if we meet 
it?' 

' That,' says the station-master piously, ' is as 
God wills. But thou must go on.' 

And on this comfortable footing we resume 



266 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

our journey. I rather share the engineer's point 
of view, and my admiration for the station- 
master's simple faith is a little weakened by the 
reflection that he is remaining comfortably in 
his office, while we have to go on to meet the 
express or not as it may happen. In fact, I am 
not a little relieved when, after passing the 
canal bridge, we glide slowly by a couple of 
wrecked waggons and turn over the points on 
our own line again. 

After this Tommy and I naturally fall to 
discussing accidents, and I tell him of the last 
accident which I was in. It was on a suburban 
line near Cairo, on which, at that time, I had 
just begun to travel daily. The rolling stock in 
those days was decidedly antiquated, and used 
to make any old railwaymen who came out as 
tourists to Egypt quite sentimental. I remember 
Sir Andrew M'Gregor, ex-manager of the London, 
Bristol, and East Coast, sobbing like a child 
over one of the engines, saying he had never 
hoped to see the old days come back- again. It 
carried him back fifty years and more, when he 
and his lamented wife started on their honey- 
moon dragged by just such an engine, possibly 
the same one. 

Of course, one had to be careful with the 
carriages, as one always has to be when dealing 
with genuine antiques. Many careless men got 
nasty falls by something giving way when they 
were trying to get in or out of the carriages. 
Sometimes, no doubt, it was a little incon- 
venient, as when an old lady I knew had to 



CAIRO TO PORT SAID 267 

hold the door to all the way, owing to the latch 
having dropped off. 

The express by which I usually travelled went 
at the maximum speed considered safe, taking 
into consideration the state of what was ironically 
called the permanent way, and this was nearly 
twenty miles an hour on the flat. One travelled 
usually in a venerable saloon of vast proportions, 
which had the peculiar earthy, musty smell of 
extreme age. Everything in it was very old — 
even the fleas only walked about ; their hopping 
days were over. 

One night I travelled out of Cairo in this 
mobile vault with but one companion, a fat old 
Frenchman with a capacious white waistcoat 
and a discontented expression. We were sway- 
ing along at our maximum speed, and I was 
just trying to find out what time it was by my 
watch and failing, owing to the oil lamp not 
being quite as bright as usual, when I felt the 
jolt of crossing points, and the Frenchman 
turned to the window and said in a tone of 
concentrated bitterness, 6 Animal ! ' Then all 
the brakes were suddenly put on, and directly 
afterwards we stopped with a very sharp shock. 
I suddenly left my seat and flew through the 
air, alighting in the centre of the capacious 
white waistcoat with considerable force. The 
proprietor and I did rather a complicated joint 
somersault, and finished up sitting on the floor. 
As soon as I felt sure I was not dead, I attempted 
to apologise to the poor old man whom I had so 
wantonly assaulted. He had recovered his breath, 



268 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

and having raised himself with difficulty into a 
kneeling position, he shook his fist towards the 
side of the carriage and exclaimed : ' Imbecile ! 
Imbecile ! Voild ce qui arrive tous les quinze jours ! ' 

When I had helped him up, he explained 
that the native pointsman at these particular 
points was a man whose memory was deplorable, 
and he could not ever be sure in his own mind 
whether the lever should be pulled one way or 
the other. About once a fortnight he made a 
mistake and turned the express on to the siding, 
with the results we had just experienced. He, 
the Frenchman, had a family, and alas ! was 
too poor to live in Cairo, so he had to bear it 
as best he might. It was a pathetic picture, 
this excellent pere de famille doing his fort- 
nightly somersault in the interests of economy. 

There are, of course, many stories of the 
doings and sayings of our railway staff and the 
passengers, from the old gentleman who, when 
he was asked if he was abofine (season-ticket 
holder) by the collector, replied with- heat and 
severity, ' No, O dog Mahommedan ' ; to the 
porter who slept with his head on the rails in 
order to be sure to wake up in time for the first 
train. So we have plenty of material, and with 
this to discuss and with gossiping, reading, and 
an interval for lunch, the time soon passes, till 
we find we are slackening down to run into 
Port Said. Tommy points out that we shall 
have none too much time to get on board the 
boat. 

This is a comfort, as it will shorten the time 



CAIRO TO PORT SAID 269 

during which I shall be in the grip of the sub- 
governor (the governor is away), Ahmed Bey 
Murad, whom I see waiting to welcome me on 
the platform, and who is not a bad fellow, but 
a little trying, especially to any one who has 
a difficulty in controlling his countenance. 

Where he learned his extremely voluble and 
singularly incorrect English, of which he is in- 
ordinately proud, is a mystery, but his teachers 
cannot have been very refined as to accent or 
substance. 

He, like most of the governing classes in 
Egypt, is of Turkish origin, with the large face 
and build of his race. He is very nattily turned 
out, wears his tarboosh well on the side of his 
head, a pink satin tie with a pearl pin, a brocade 
waistcoat, an immaculate, heavily braided frock 
coat, light grey ' weddingy ' trousers, and yellow 
leather spring-side boots with imitation buttons 
on them. On his hands are lavender kid gloves, 
under his arm a presentation walking cane, 
and in his mouth a gold cigarette holder picked 
out with amber, in which is burning an enormous 
cigarette. He disseminates an odour of perfume 
which would be strong enough to run him as a 
c drag ' with a pack of hounds. 

' And how are we?' he says, welcoming me 
cordially. ' I hope your Excellency is pretty 
bobbyish, eh ? Excuse half mos, but you have 
what you call sky-skippers in your train, and I 
am told to look at him. 5 

At this moment the station-master bustles 
up with an elderly and portly cleric of the 



270 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

ultra - serious description, and presents him to 
the sub-governor, who makes him a rakish, 
lion comique sort of bow, and says : 4 Delighted. 
Hope feet and well, reverend.' 4 Thank you 
for your kind wishes. I am very well, I am 
glad to say, 5 graciously replies the cleric. 

4 An all at home ? Your fine lady, kids, and 
so on,' continues Ahmed Bey genially. 

The dean (I am sure he must be a dean) draws 
himself up, and replies with pained toleration, 
4 Your wishes are most kind, I am sure, but, 
ahem ! I am not married.' 

6 Oh dear, how bad, reverend,' says the sub- 
governor jocularly. c But quite right ; women 
are deuces and all.' 

I feel I had better interfere, as Ahmed Bey's 
views on women, though interesting, are slightly 
astonishing to the untrained western mind. 

4 Well, Ahmed Bey,' I say, 4 1 think we ought 
to be getting on board. It is nearly two o'clock 
now, and we shall not have too much time.' 

4 1 'm afraid your Excellency quite right,' 
says the Bey regretfully. c I had hope you 
would have had time what you call glass of 
fizz and nice bit of lunch.' 

This is partly addressed to me and partly 
to the clerical gentleman, who is looking a little 
astonished. An Oriental never misses noticing 
a change of expression, though he may be too 
civil to let you know it, but he often, as in 
this case, puts it down to the wrong cause. 

4 1 don't mind,' continues the Bey addressing 
the cleric, ' what you call a nice drop of wine, 



CAIRO TO PORT SAID 271 

reverend. That no drinks business is all what 
you call tommy rot. The Pasha here drops on 
my little place some time and we crush bottles 
of bubbly.' 

I wish he would leave me out of his remarks. 
I feel sure that I am now looked upon in the 
clerical mind as a roysterer. 

The Bey, thus talking, leads the way down 
to the landing stage, where we get into a motor 
launch, for our ship is lying further up the 
harbour. 

I strive in vain to persuade Ahmed Bey that 
he need not come on board with us, but he 
won't hear of it, until, with a flash of genius, 
Tommy remembers that I ought to send a 
telegram (perfectly unnecessary), which we write 
out and the good-natured little man rushes off 
to send personally, and we proceed quietly to 
the ship, I trying on the way to remove from 
the clerical mind the false impressions which 
Ahmed Bey's eccentric conversation may have 
left there. 



CHAPTER IV 

GOING ON BOARD 

If you see two Anglo-Egyptians in deep con- 
versation, you will find that five times out of 
ten they are discussing steamship lines, their 
virtues and iniquities. If you get within ear- 
shot you will hear, 6 Yes, dear, right at the 
bottom of the hold, and not a stitch to put on 
till I got to Port Said. Oh, they were rude ' ; 
or, ' I ventured to point out to the purser 
that in law he had not got a leg to stand on,' 
and so on according to the sex and profes- 
sion of the individual. I am no exception 
to this rule, and hold very strong views on 
the subject. To my mind any one who knows 
and does not prefer a blue funnel to any 
other steamer is simply either stupid or wrong- 
headed. 

This year, however, I am going by the Island 
and Far East Line, not because I like it, but 
because the date of sailing happens to suit. I 
mind less going by it in the dead season, because 
one is almost sure of a cabin to oneself, which 
I must have, and which this line won't ordinarily 
give you. That any one should be so bar- 
barous as to put two or more people who are 

272 



GOING ON BOARD 273 

liable to be attacked at any time by a painful 
and disgusting illness to live together in a box 
ten feet by six or seven, is really amazing. 
The foreign lines are gradually doing away 
with this uncivilised practice, and are providing 
a sufficient number of roomy single cabins, 
but on English steamers we still tolerate this 
outrage on decency and comfort ; we don't 
even seem to mind it. 

When we arrive at the ship, which is lying 
close to a quay but not touching it, we find 
the ladder crowded with boats from which 
passengers and their attendants are scrambling 
with that haste which every one uses when 
travelling, whether they have got heaps of 
time to spare or not. As, after a desperate 
struggle, we get on the gangway, we are 
reminded of another curious trait of the Anglo- 
Saxon traveller, which seems to be in direct 
contradiction to his willingness to share his 
cabin with a stranger. This is a tendency to 
regard as his own any temporary habitation he 
may occupy, and to resent any intrusion upon 
it. If an Englishman is in a railway carriage 
or a steamer or a hotel, he immediately re- 
gards it as his own, and is prepared to dis- 
courage or even resist any trespassers to the 
utmost of his powers. One is never more 
acutely aware of this than when one joins a 
steamer en route. 

As Tommy, the dean and I crush forward up 
the ladder, we are greeted by a hum of muffled 
disapproval from the passengers above on deck. 



274 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

I can hear portions of frank opinions which 
are obviously hostile to our travelling by this 
steamer anyway. As we reach the deck, I, who 
am leading, am trying to find my ticket, which, 
though I know I put it in my left coat pocket, 
I find in my right waistcoat pocket (for tickets, 
like needles, once they get into you work about 
all over the place), when I hear a clear female 
voice say, ' Well, thank goodness, there are 
only a dozen of them.' To which another 
answers, c Yes, but I suppose we shall hear 
nothing but mafish and malesh now. Why 
cannot they go by one of their own lines ? ' 
These are obviously Anglo - Indians. We in 
Egypt profess to despise Anglo-Indians as 
people who are out of touch with Europe 
and essentially provincial, whilst they, on the 
other hand, talk with contempt of our size 
and village politics. One method of showing 
this lofty hostility is to pretend not to under- 
stand anything about the others' country or 
language. 

At this moment my attention is turned to 
Tommy, who has a theory that you should 
always carry your most cherished possessions 
yourself, and who has now assumed the memor- 
able position of the young lady of Norway, 
owing to his golf clubs and sticks interlocking 
in some mysterious way with portions of the 
ship, whilst a determined-looking lady's-maid 
is jamming the sharp corner of a mysterious 
tin case into the small of his back. I feel deeply 
relieved for the dean's sake that Tommy is, in 



GOING ON BOARD 275 

the hurry of the moment, expressing himself in 
the vernacular and only making the boat- 
men blush. He is freed by a strong sailor, 
gains the deck and disappears down the com- 
panion, knocking off bits of the woodwork as 
he goes. 

I now begin to make inquiries for my cabin, 
but as usual no one pays the slightest attention 
to me. 

If you took a French post clerk, a German 
police officer, an American customs official, 
and an English road hog and rolled them into 
one, you would get a being who, as far as manners 
went, resembled faintly the ordinary officer of 
this revered line. In army parlance, the pas- 
sengers on these boats rank in the minds of the 
officers with, but after, black beetles. Passen- 
gers are regarded as a sort of unsavoury pest 
with which a ship becomes infected whilst lying 
in port. Restrained by regulations they pro- 
foundly disagree with from throwing you over- 
board or stamping on you, the officers are forced 
unwillingly to tolerate your existence, but no 
more. They used to make me mad with anger 
until I travelled with Tommy, but he taught 
me how to combine justice with amusement. 
He makes it a practice whenever an officer is 
rude, to ask him in mellifluous tones to come 
and look at the dirt in his cabin, or to get 
him a clean pillow-slip, or some such request. 
On the officer turning indignantly away, he 
explains loudly that he thought that he was 
the chief steward or the purser, because he 



276 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

was so civil to the passengers. He looks so 
innocent when he does this that his victim is 
not sure if he means to be rude or not, 
and retires crimson, amid the titters of the 
audience. 

I wearily continue my inquiries till at last 
the chief steward or the assistant purser or 
whoever it is feels that I am becoming a nuisance, 
and fiercely tells a steward to take me to number 
47, as if that place was the proverbial alterna- 
tive to Connaught. The steward sulkily com- 
plies, and takes me up and down into a very 
narrow and evil-smelling passage, where, mur- 
muring something about this not being it, he 
leaves me and disappears. 

Here I remain very much in the way of a lot 
of irritable stewards, who seem to be taking 
exercise by carrying piles of dirty plates back- 
wards and forwards, till another steward appears 
and asks me suspiciously what I want. I 
explain that I want 47. c But that ain't on this 
deck,' he says gruffly, with the air of a police- 
man moving an undesirable on. I say humbly 
that I don't know where it is; can he tell 
me ? He replies shortly that it is not one of 
his cabins, and I had better go up on to the 
deck above. 

This I do, and find myself in another passage 
equally dark and almost as odoriferous. On 
examining the numbers of the cabins, I find 
that I am opposite number 122, whose owner, 
a drab-coloured Indian lady, coming out suddenly, 
looks alarmed and calls to the stewardess to lock 



GOING ON BOARD 277 

her cabin up, as there are dreadful-looking people 
on board. Suffering under this unmerited harsh- 
ness, I wander on and meet another official whom 
I consult. He replies stiffly that he doesn't 
know. (I find out subsequently that he is the 
seventh officer, or something which hates 
passengers.) 

At this moment when I am undecided whether 
I will seize a cabin by force, demand to see the 
captain, or write to The Times, my original 
steward appears. He is very indignant with me 
for having moved from where he left me, and 
says he has been looking for me nigh all over 
the ship. The prospect of obtaining a more or 
less permanent resting place on any terms in- 
duces me to curb my natural desire to keel- 
haul him, or whatever you do to people you 
dislike at sea, and I follow him without a 
word. He takes me to a totally new part of 
the ship, which is deeper down in the darker 
bowels of the ship and gloomier than where 
I was before. 

The smell is different, but equally unpleasant. 
It seems to be compounded of decayed funguses, 
hot engine oil, and onions. I expostulate, and 
point out that my cabin was in the plan of the 
upper deck. The steward looks at me with 
hatred and contempt, and asks in tones of sup- 
pressed irritation if I ain't 297. I, speaking 
with difficulty through my grating teeth, reply 
that I have told him already that I am 47. He 
then mutters fiercely that he wishes people 
would give him their right tickets. 



278 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

This is more than I can bear — as if I should 
take pains to exchange my upper-deck cabin 
with some unhappy person who is to live in the 
noisome cell he is showing me ! I am just look- 
ing round for a capstan bar, or a belaying pin, 
or a marling spike, or whatever the proper thing 
is to use in exterminating a mendacious and 
uncivil steward, when round a corner comes 
the portly form of Mr. Tarlington, the agent 
for the company at Port Said. I explain 
matters to him, and in two minutes we are on 
our way to my cabin, while the steward retires 
in a cowed condition, to wreak his vengeance on 
some unfortunate passenger who has no friend 
at court to protect him. 

Tarlington promises to send my luggage along, 
and beams away on his mission of mercy and 
protection to the unhappy Anglo-Egyptians on 
board. 

In five minutes or so some luggage turns up, 
though, of course, not the right luggage. 

When one announces directly, or through 
Messrs. Cook, to this steamship company that, 
in spite of the dangers and disagreeables of the 
proceeding, you are going to embark as a passenger 
on one of their steamers, they give you a lot of 
incorrect information, charge you large sums of 
money, and supply you with a sheaf of assorted 
luggage labels. There are some of all sorts. 
First, there are some with nothing on them but 
a big capital letter which is the same as the 
first letter of your surname, so that in the case 
of your getting complete amnesia, it will help 



GOING ON BOARD 279 

you to remember who you are. Then, secondly, 
there are labels on which is printed where you 
come from and where you are going to. The 
idea of these is excellent, but in practice I don't 
think they pay much attention to them, as they 
often send Egyptian luggage to Bombay. 
Thirdly, there are labels marked ' Not wanted 
on voyage,' which I have so often longed to 
paste on the backs of several of my fellow 
passengers. These labels work well, almost too 
well. Putting one of these labels on a trunk 
has much the same effect as sending a man to 
exile in Siberia. It sends it away for a time for 
certain, and, with any luck, for ever. I believe 
they cast luggage marked like this into a bottom- 
less hold, from which some adventurous sailor 
may rescue it ; or it may just stay there till the 
ship is broken up. The next sort of label is 
that with ' Wanted on voyage ' printed on it. 
These condemn your luggage to detention in a 
hold from which it can be produced at any 
time if you know exactly the right official 
to ask for it and they don't send some one 
else's instead. I struck up quite a friend- 
ship with a lady years ago through always 
getting her luggage when I asked for mine. 
Finally, there are labels marked ' Cabin,' and 
these are the really useful ones. I never 
waste anything, so I paste the other labels on 
the inside of my box where they can do no 
harm, and put a ' Cabin ' label on each of my 
packages, even if they are as large as grand 
pianos. 



280 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

If you do this, all your luggage is put together 
on board in a place where you can see it, and 
handed over to your bedroom steward, who, 
from venal motives, is more or less devoted 
to your interests. You can then select the 
articles you really do want in your cabin, and 
have the rest put away in the 6 Wanted on 
voyage ' place under the eye of the said 
steward, who can then always find it again if 
you want it. 

My bedroom steward now appears, and with 
his aid my luggage is found and dealt with, and 
I think I had better go on deck and see how my 
companions are faring. 

When I come on deck I am met by Mrs. 
Despard, who is apparently going to catch a 
train. ' Oh, Lord Edward, I have lost my bag. 5 
' Not the bag ? ' ' Yes, the bag. What shall I 
do ? All my money and jewels are in it. 5 I 
ask where she saw T it last, and she says she 
put it down in one of the saloons, and when 
she looked round it was gone. I rush to the 
saloon which she indicates and search, with no 
result. 

Mrs. Despard always reminds me of the hero in 
Jerome 5 s Stagehand, only he is always in trouble 
about his title deeds, and she about her bag, 
and consequently her keys. 

The adventures of the bag, if properly written, 
would be as exciting as any romance. It has 
travelled by itself, hotly pursued by telegrams 
and letters, all over the world. Every trans- 
port official knows and dreads that small oblong 



GOING ON BOARD 281 

of blue morocco. Chiefs of police and even 
Ministers of State have passed sleepless nights 
during its periods of fugue. It looks innocent 
enough ; in fact it is prepossessing, but it con- 
tains more original sin, according to Mrs. Despard, 
than its limited cubic content renders it possible 
to believe. It was, unfortunately for all of us, 
the gift of a deceased friend, who probably had 
a weak heart and died of the anxiety it caused 
her. It is therefore sacred, and even in one's 
moments of most deadly hostility one dares 
not think of destroying it. In virtue of its 
sacred character, it is still trusted by its would-be 
keeper as if it had not already on countless occa- 
sions betrayed its trust. It invariably, when 
lost, contains Mrs. Despard's keys, her most 
private letters, some addresses which (though 
not wanted) she can never get again, and a 
variety of small feminine possessions, I fancy 
not unconnected with resisting that, to the female 
mind, greatest disfigurement, a shiny nose. When 
telegraphing a description of its contents, these 
are included in some general term. I usually 
describe them as 6 other small articles,' but 
every acting aide-de-camp has used a different 
phrase, down to poor little Parley in the Lancers, 
who boldly described them in French ' des poufs 
pour poudrer la contenants,' thus giving the finish- 
ing blow to the already impaired sanity of an 
overworked station-master. 

In addition to its truant characteristics, it has 
a power of self-concealment I have never seen 
equalled. It gets behind chairs and under seats 



282 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

—a newspaper affords it cover, and I have known 
it completely blotted out by a book half its 
size. Anyhow, it is not in the saloon nor the 
music room, nor on the upper deck. I feel a 
wild idea of searching the engines, when Mrs. 
Despard gives vent to a cry at once joyful and 
vindictive. 

6 There it is ! ' she says excitedly, pointing to 
the bag. c Do you see that man is carrying it 
away ? Oh, Lord Edward, do run after him 
and stop him ! ' I dash down the wrong com- 
panion, tear madly round, and emerge, after 
severely injuring some of the less agile passengers, 
at the top of the ladder. I rush down and, 
accompanied by X and a stray customs official, 
jump into a boat, gain the quay, and give chase 
to the robber, who appears to be a respectably 
dressed old Jew. I am not as young as I was, 
but in the excitement of the chase I do my 
250 yards in a very creditable time. As I come 
up, the old gentleman is tottering into one of 
the houses of business fronting the harbour. 

I touch him on the shoulder and pant out, 
' I want that bag, please.' 

He turns half round and his face goes a greyish 
green horrible to see, and he begins literally 
squealing for help. Three or four more Jews of 
various ages rush out of the house, and, as the 
old gentleman falls back in the arms of the 
stoutest of them, I realise with horror that, 
though like it in a superficial way, it is not Mrs. 
Despard's bag. 



GOING ON BOARD 283 

4 What you want ? Who devil are you ? ' 
says the second stoutest Jew in rather a nervous 
way. 

I say lamely it was a mistake. I thought 
the old gentleman had taken my bag by mistake 
as I had lost it. 

4 You have no right playing silly things on 
my father, who is very rich and does not steal 
bags,' says the fattest Jew sternly, as he places 
his father in a chair which has been brought for 
him. 6 My father is a weak heart, and if he die 
you murder him and be hanged and damages,' 
says the youngest and least podgy scion of 
Israel excitedly. 

This is too awful. I, crimson with shame, 
produce my card, which I hand to the fattest, 
again apologise, and walk away with the air of 
a detected card-sharper, followed by my mystified 
myrmidons, who, I think, now share the obvi- 
ous view of the Israelites, that I have been 
imbibing too freely at an early hour. I arrive 
back at the ship, to find Mrs. Despard sitting 
comfortably in a chair in the cool breeze, with 
the bag beside her. She reproaches me with 
having been too hasty, as the moment I 
started she saw it was not the bag, which, it 
appears, was found in her cabin on her bed, 
though who put it there, as she says, is a com- 
plete mystery. 

And here I briefly note the adventures on this 
journey of — The Bag. 

Lost at Port Said. 



284 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

Lost on ship under Mrs. X's skirts. 

Lost to Apache, Marseilles. 

Left behind in Paris. 

Lost on boat. 

Goes on to London alone. 



CHAPTER V 

DINNER ON BOARD 

Dinner on the first night on board a ship is 
always trying. It is, as it almost always is, 
rather rough off the Egyptian coast, and we all, 
so to speak, come to dinner making our reserves 
and without prejudice to any future action on 
our part. Tommy and I are unlucky enough 
to arrive early, and therefore have to take a 
more or less active part in the acrimonious dis- 
cussion which takes place between Mrs. H. and 
the head steward with reference to our table, 
which, though it was the one she chose originally, 
does not meet with her approval. In vain does 
the worn-out and perspiring head steward explain 
that it is impossible to change it now. She says 
she will not sit at a table where she will get all 
the smell of the kitchen, be in a draught, and 
served last. 

The steward limply points out that it is 
nowhere near the kitchen, that there is just 
the same draught elsewhere, and that it is not 
served last. Mrs. H., who, I feel sure, prides 
herself on being firm, says that it is practically 
in the kitchen, that one cannot keep one's seat 
for the draught, and that it is not served at all ; 

285 



286 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

and she appeals to us to back her up. Tommy 
and I care, in the first place, not a scrap where 
we sit, and, secondly, rather like the table, and, 
thirdly, would sooner sit anywhere than stand 
up before two hundred people as the supporters 
of a shrill- voiced woman who is obviously speak- 
ing to the steward in rather an unpleasant way. 
However, she prevails, and some wretched people 
who have done nothing wrong are hustled out 
of their places to make room for us on the 
ground that there was a mistake, which no one 
believes. 

As a matter of fact, we are no better off than 
we were, and there are distinct signs of a brewing 
row with the huge family whom we have dis- 
possessed. 

Mrs. H. is, however, triumphant, and I think 
gloomily that it will be like this the whole way 
to London. Taking a journey with Mrs. H. 
is like travelling with the Flying Dutchman ; 
one moves in a perpetual storm of small un- 
pleasantnesses. 

I manage, however, to sit next to Mrs. Despard, 
and the two other seats besides those occupied 
by our party are filled by Mrs. Somberley and 
her sister, Miss Harlane. Mrs. H. makes a 
desperate attempt to place me between the 
sisters, but I am firm and say that this is my 
place. H. is placed between the sisters, and 
he deserves it for marrying Mrs. H. 

Mrs. Despard, of course, comes late. It appears 
she mislaid her bag, and it took her a long time to 
find it. She then inquires, as a matter of course, 



DINNER ON BOARD 287 

who Sophy has been having a row with, and is 
mildly amused at my account of it. 

Meanwhile Mrs. H. has been letting H. have 
a bad time of it. She won't have any food, 
as it is so ill cooked ; she cannot get the brand 
of champagne she wants, and she cannot re- 
member its name, and she finally rises to her 
feet saying she has such a headache, and goes 
on deck, where H. has to accompany her. How- 
ever, she goes, which is the main point, and 
the dinner ends better than it began. We 
then start talking about ships and their virtues 
and vices. Mrs. Despard has always some- 
thing original to impart, and now tells us all 
about a ship which is, as far as I can make 
out, rather too big to navigate anything but 
the Atlantic, which the Germans are building 
to invade England with. She explains to a 
breathless audience that it draws thirty-five 
fathoms, is four hundred yards long, and is 
only kept steady by turning round and round. 
I know r better than to question her facts, but I 
think I recognise the gyroscope in the last descrip- 
tion. Tommy, who does not know her well, is 
impressed, and asks her quite seriously if the 
turning round is not uncomfortable. She replies 
serenely, 'No, it is just like a rifle bullet,' which 
settles him, for if you come to think of it, one 
has never heard if a rifle bullet is comfortable 
or not. At this point H. returns. His dinner 
consists to-night of soup and fruit, which is a 
nice light diet. 

He immediately launches out into one of his 



288 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

anecdotes. It is about ships, at least a ship 
he once travelled on. It appears he once went 
from Malta to Athens in a boat which was 
built of steel and had two masts and two 
funnels, and went about 12 knots, and there 
was a deck on the top and cabins below, and 
there was a bowsprit in front and a rudder 
behind and engines. In fact it would form an 
excellent article for a cheap dictionary, explaining 
the word ' steamboat, see also steamship.' He 
crushes the conversation, as he usually does. In 
conversation, unless it is the dialogue of a smart 
play, each remark must or should have some 
bearing on the last ; and if you tell a story 
or make a long remark about which nothing 
can be said but profane oaths which are not 
admissible, conversation must cease. 

After a pause Tommy starts on 6 Stewards I 
have known.' Of course, the first day at sea one 
is always near the subject of sea-sickness. I 
am sure in the prisons in the Terror the con- 
versation wavered between knives and necks. 

We get on very well at first, and Mrs. Despard 
says stewards are nearly all old firemen who lose 
their nerves and become stewards, and the 
companies prefer it because they can always 
put the passengers out if necessary, which is of 
course true in a sense. Tommy, more impressed 
than ever, says it must be rather difficult to get 
so many firemen, but Mrs. D. wdth her usual 
skill says, No, because it is safer and the pay 
is better, which crushes Tommy again. Mrs. 
Somberley tells us about a mad steward who 



DINNER ON BOARD 289 

shaved a nervous old gentleman by force all 
night, and he came to breakfast next morning 
as bald as an egg and nearly mad. Miss Harlane, 
who is romantic, tells us of a Sir Somebody 
Something, who became a steward and married 
a millionaire's daughter, when H. flattens us 
out by telling us of a steward he had going 
from Gib to London, who was an ex-soldier 
and was five foot six high, with brown hair, 
and he was quite a decent valet and kept the 
cabins quite as clean as one could expect, and 
ate meat and drank a little beer and said ' thank- 
you, sir,' when you tipped him. 

After this even Tommy can think of nothing 
more to say, so we go depressedly on deck. 
After a dreary struggle up and down the deck, 
we assure one another that the weather is 
getting better and that the wind is drop- 
ping ; which is manifestly not the case. We 
then reel below to our stuffy cabins, to pass 
the night as best we may. I order a stiff brandy 
and soda, drink it, and get into bed as quickly 
as I can, wedging myself in with the pillows to 
avoid literally taking a leap in the dark, and 
sink into a heavy sleep. 



CHAPTER VI 

AT SEA: MORNING 

There is no sensation more luxurious than the 
feeling of rest and freedom which comes when 
one first starts on leave ; and it is in the morning 
when one first recovers consciousness that this 
feeling is sweetest. For the first few moments 
one is not sure where one is, and then one begins 
to realise that one is in a ship and that leave 
has really begun. I can only compare it to the 
feeling of convalescence. The load is lifted 
from one's shoulders. One need no longer 
rack one's brain to find combinations to meet 
hopeless situations. It is no longer one's fate 
to listen to endless grievances and complaints, 
to adjust ever-recurring quarrels, to carry on 
that ceaseless war against red tape and slack- 
ness. One is freed for the time from the anxieties 
of that perpetual game of political card spillikins 
one has to play in Egypt. Foreign interests, 
British interests, Missionary interests, Mahom- 
medan interests, Coptic interests, Greek interests, 
Jewish interests, Turkish interests, Sudan in- 
terests, Khedivial interests, are among the cards 
one must not disturb as one pulls out the card 
one wants ; and is not there trouble if any other 
does just get stirred ! Moreover, if from long 

290 



AT SEA: MORNING 291 

practice and bitter experience one can get 
through one's own moves fairly well, what about 
one's subordinates ? One never goes to bed 
without the uneasy consciousness that one may 
find oneself the next morning in a sea of diffi- 
culties, owing to the whole-hearted but mis- 
placed zeal of the newest- joined inspector. The 
worst part of it is that, to continue the card 
spillikin metaphor, it is impossible to see before- 
hand how many interests one will affect by 
touching any particular subject. 

Then, again, all those awful personal questions 
are temporarily out of the way — the rows, 
squabbles, petty jealousies and intrigues in which 
one lives. 

One is no longer a servant, one can sleep when 
one likes, eat when one likes, and play when 
one likes. 

I can feel, too, on this particular occasion that 
it is a fine morning. The ship is only rolling 
very slightly and lazily, just enough to dull 
the vibration of the screw. The port-hole is 
open, and the fresh sea breeze is blowing on my 
face. 

At this point the steward enters with my 
tea, or what is supposed to be tea, and I decied 
to have my bath at once before the rush, so as 
to avoid having to wait. My decision is partly 
due to the fact that further sleep is out of the 
question, owing to the noise which is now going 
on on deck just over my head. 

It is said to be caused by cleaning the decks, 
but this is hard to believe. Judging by one's 



292 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

hearing, one man is beating the deck hard with 
something like a glorified wet towel, another 
is doing a step-dance of a complicated character 
to express his satisfaction, whilst others pump 
on them with the hose. Periodically the rest 
of the crew get tired of this and drag the two 
men away on their backs. Then somebody 
suggests that a race round the ship would be 
fun, and starts the competitors with a singu- 
larly harsh whistle. 

I get out of bed, and wrapping myself in my 
dressing-gown, proceed to my bath, which is 
difficult to find, as it is well concealed, and none 
of the people you meet take any interest in the 
subject. I arrive just in time to see the last 
vacant bath seized by a yellow-looking Indian 
colonel, and I resign myself to wait in the narrow 
alley-way, my only amusement being to avoid 
having my toes stamped on by passing stewards 
and others. It is often very hard to find a bath, 
especially on one of the older boats. I remember 
a most respectable old gentleman, a- pillar of his 
parish church, and all that was desirable, telling 
me he looked for one for three days with no 
success until, feeling that an exceptional effort 
must be made in the interests of hygiene, after 
many wanderings he found a door on which in 
the Cimmerian darkness he could just discern 
the word ' bath. 5 It was, however, obviously 
occupied, so he patiently waited. He thought 
he saw the door open a little tiny bit once or 
twice, but nothing happened. He was, how- 
ever, resolute, and waited on till at last the 



AT SEA: MORNING 293 

door was flung open and Mrs. Colonel Bolger of 
Ramnugger flounced out and told him what she 
thought of him. It was the ladies' bath. He, 
of course, fled, but was reported to the captain 
and shunned by the rest of the passengers for 
the remainder of the voyage. 

By this time four other candidates for ablu- 
tions have ranged themselves alongside me. We 
don't speak, but wait in gloomy silence, mur- 
muring occasionally at the awful time people 
keep the bath. At last an irritable gentleman, 
No. 2 on the list, rattles fiercely at the door 
opposite. 

A moment later the door opens, and the colonel 
stalks out majestically. We all feel like school- 
boys caught doing something they ought not, 
and I am sure the man next me murmurs some- 
thing about its not being him. 

However, the bath is cleaned up in a perfunc- 
tory way and I get in. 

Washing on an old-fashioned boat like this is 
an art. In the first place, your bath is filled with 
what is supposed to be sea water, and a small 
tub of what is in theory fresh water is placed on 
a shelf across it. As a matter of fact, both 
liquids, as one's olfactory nerves inform one, 
contain a good many of the coal-tar and petro- 
leum products as well. The result is that the 
floor of the bath is like a butter slide, and many 
a nasty fall has one had by not getting in care- 
fully. I have never quite made out how one 
ought to wash. I think standing up, with soap 
and the fresh water first, and then soak in the 



294 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

sea water, but I am never sure. I only know 
that the complicated arrangement marked 
6 shower douche wave ' should never be touched 
except by a professional engineer. Once in my 
young and reckless days I gave myself a shower 
of boiling water, and on another occasion I 
touched the tap (it was in January) and an ice- 
cold three-inch jet of water hit me where my 
thick woollen waistcoat would have been if I 
had known it was going to do it. 

To-day, however, I feel so light-hearted that 
even a bath of diluted engine oil in an evil-smell- 
ing box seems delightful, and I sally forth in 
the best of tempers. 

Luckily I took very careful note of the way I 
came, and after a brisk ten minutes' walk am 
back in my cabin, which, by the way, I find 
afterwards is only 20 feet from the bathroom, 
if one went by a different route from the one I 
chose. 

Dressing and shaving accomplished, I make 
my way on deck. It is a perfect morning, 
with a cloudless sky and a rippling sea of deepest 
blue. It is fresh, but with that pleasant, in- 
describable promise of heat in the air. 

One drawback is that, owing to the mysteri- 
ous operations I listened to earlier, everything 
is dripping wet, so one cannot sit down, but I 
don't want to. To complete my happiness, on 
rounding a corner I find Mrs. Despard, looking 
as if she was the very spirit of morning herself. 
She pretends to be astonished at my getting up 
so early (she never gets up till ten on land), and 



AT SEA : MORNING 295 

declares that we must take a proper constitutional, 
as it will be too hot to do anything in the middle 
of the day. This project we carry out with 
occasional pauses to lean over the bulwarks and 
look into the swirling, dancing, blue and white 
water beneath. It is perfectly delightful, and 
I am just explaining my views on some very 
interesting subject — Mrs. Despard's higher intel- 
lectual self, I think — when I become aware that 
there is a crumple in my roseleaf , something wrong, 
something wanting. I analyse mentally, and at 
once recognise that it is an effect of the body 
on the mind. It is hunger — not your nice civilised 
appetite, not that delicate intimation which is 
sent to your brain that a little light refreshment 
would be agreeable, but good, honest, barbarian 
hunger, a craving, empty feeling, an imperious 
demand for immediate supplies. I have up to 
now been in, so to speak, the higher mental 
atmosphere, and this sudden and irresistible tug 
earthwards is distressing. I hope above all 
things that Mrs. Despard may not notice it. 
Women are so quick. After all, the body is 
subordinate to the mind. Do not faquirs sit on 
sharp nails for years without losing their out- 
ward composure ? Though, of course, in such a 
case one wonders if there is a mind. 

Anyhow, by an effort of will I disregard the 
6 base cravings of the moulded dust. 5 I fear, 
however, that my conversation is deteriorating. 
I notice Mrs. Despard is losing interest, and 
instead of turning those wonderful eyes full of 
inquiry or comprehension on my humble self, 



296 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

she is looking absently away. Covertly I look 
at my watch. Thank goodness, only three 
minutes to breakfast ! What an insane idea it 
is to have breakfast at nine ! I believe it is 
mere pandering to the tastes of these desiccated, 
over-curried Indians. At this moment a bell 
strikes. ' What is that ? ' says Mrs. Despard. 
6 1 mean what time is it ? ' c Nine,' I begin, 
when it strikes me that one bell is only half-past 
eight. Horrible thought ! It is that beastly 
clock ; they have been putting it back. It is 
an odious trick they have now to put it back 
during the night. c Isn't breakfast at nine ? ' 
says Mrs. Despard in a detached way. ' Yes,' 
I say, c but I am afraid I was wrong ; it is only 
half-past eight.' ' Oh,' says Mrs. Despard, in 
tones of dismay, ' what am I to do ? I am 
simply famishing.' I suggest kindly that I 
might get her some biscuits and, without wait- 
ing for her answer, descend the stairs five steps 
at a time. I believe it is against all the ancient 
laws and regulations for a prisoner, I mean a 
passenger, to ask for biscuits, but my eye is so 
wild and my jaw so determined, that the steward 
feels that if I cannot get biscuits I may resort 
to cannibalism to assuage my pangs, and hastily 
produces some which, after placing a certain 
number in my pocket in case more are wanted 
later, I bear in triumph to the deck, and we are 
soon both munching, in spite of the peculiarly 
sea-sodden flavour which all biscuits on board 
a ship have got. 

Of course, after this the conversation becomes 



AT SEA: MORNING 297 

more material. One cannot be sentimental or 
highly intellectual with one's mouth full, but we 
both feel a great danger is overpast. 

However, when the breakfast bell rings, we 
are by no means indifferent. 

In the saloon we are joined by H. Mrs. H. 
does not appear till later, still suffering from 
the effects of yesterday. He naturally destroys 
conversation, but, as we both want to eat a 
serious breakfast without being distracted, this 
is just as well, and even H. has some merits, 
of which one is not talking at breakfast. The 
only excitement about this breakfast beyond 
other breakfasts is that it has certain dishes I 
have never seen elsewhere. There are things 
with names like Welsh pie and Smashpot, which 
are all out of tins and all taste the same, but 
one takes them out of curiosity. In fact, every- 
thing does taste the same, except various excel- 
lent curries and the butter, which tastes like 
what they call on musical programmes a 'pot 
pourri ' of the larder. 

After breakfast Mrs. Despard declares we must 
sit down and solemnly read serious works. She 
has brought a philosophic work. I know it. 
It is Pluffenheim's Integral Concepts. Charles 
Rainsford, her great literary friend, gave it to 
her four years ago, and she got to page 28 the 
first week and has been there ever since ; at 
least she was still at it a month ago. I once 
pointed out that this page was getting a different 
colour from exposure to the weather, and we 
had quite a coolness for a fortnight. 



298 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

I must go and get my 6 stodge,' which is a 
new work on currency some one sent me the 
other day. Bloresby, our expert on these sub- 
jects, told me it would startle me, which I am 
bound to say it has only done once, and that 
was when it fell off a table. 

We soon settle down in our chairs, and I 
make up my mind to begin Chapter III, 6 Tokens.' 
I read the first paragraph and look up. Mrs. 
Despard is not playing fair. She holds the 
book open, it is true, but she is looking over 
the top of it with a rapt expression. Is she 
puzzling out the master's last great thought ? 
She turns her head and says, ' Oh, Lord 
Edward, what is twelve metres at five and 
elevenpence a yard ? ' I work it out. c I 
think it is £3, 16s. lid.' ' Yes,' she says, 
6 it was not really cheap,' and looks back at 
her book. 

I resume my reading, and read the first para- 
graph over again and then the second, when I 
become attracted by the shape of the sun flecks 
on the sea. I wonder why they are that shape ; 
is it because ... I regain consciousness to 
find H. is shaking me and saying, ' Hi, hi, time 
for luncheon.' 

When I have washed my hands, I make my 
way to the saloon. On the companion I meet 
Tommy, who has a wild look in his eye. 6 Ned,' 
he says in impressive tones, • I have been having 

the H of a time.' ; How ? ' I ask. ' That 

Mrs. H. is a sweet soul. First she wanted 
to go on the bridge, and pestered me till I asked 



AT SEA : MORNING 299 

the captain, who was rude to me. Then she 
wanted to go on the boat deck, and I asked the 
chief officer and he was rude to me. Then she 
sat on a coiled hawser until the third officer, 
who held me responsible, was rude to me. 
Then she made me move her chair round 
and round till people thought I was doing 
it for a bet, then she sent me to fetch three 
separate things she had all the time in her 
d — d work bag. Then she wanted a chop at 
twelve, and I saw the chief steward and he 
was rude to me, and if I have any more of 
her I shall go mad, mad, mad ! ' This last 
delivered in a highly theatrical manner, with 
disastrous results on a nervous old lady who, 
coming round the corner suddenly on Tommy, 
gives a faint scream and scuttles away like a 
rabbit. 

We discuss whether we should go after her, 
but Tommy says, No, never chase a frightened 
horse, and old ladies are the same; so we go 
down to luncheon, to find the whole party 
rather under the weather. Mrs. H. is giving 
H. what we used to call ' socks, 5 because he 
did not look after her this morning, which 
makes it awkward for every one else. 

The lunch is like the breakfast ; the names 
are wonderful, but the food tastes exactly the 
same. I am sure that any one who disbelieved 
in the universal source of matter would be con- 
verted by this food. You have galantine and 
mutton and chicken and ham and beef all 
tasting exactly alike. 



300 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

After a time Mrs. H., having said all she has 
to say about her grievance, goes on deck, and 
we get into the usual discussion of how long it 
takes to go from Port Said to the Straits of 
Messina, about which we are all positive, and 
all more or less wrong. 



CHAPTER VII 

AT SEA : AFTERNOON 

After lunch we make no pretence about it, but 
all retire for a siesta. One idiocy which the 
East breaks us of is the childish shame we have 
in England of going to sleep in the daytime. 
Where the idea comes from it is hard to imagine, 
but all Englishmen regard sleeping in the day- 
time as an unjustifiable and shameful thing to 
do. One can understand the popular and uni- 
versal prejudice against watchmen and sentries 
sleeping when on duty ; but why an idle man, 
whose most harmless moments are probably 
passed in slumber, should conceal the fact that 
he has been asleep, I cannot imagine. 

Even after shooting or hunting, men will 
only admit to a nap in a chair. I suspect it 
was supposed to show that one was a weakly 
creature, or perhaps there is some forgotten 
superstition connected with it. Anyhow, the 
notion of deliberately undressing and lying on 
one's bed fast asleep after lunch for an hour 
or more would shock most untravelled English- 
men profoundly. I love it, if it is not too hot, 
and it certainly makes all the difference to one's 
wellbeing if one can do it. 

When I come on deck again the world is taking 

301 



302 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

exercise, which either consists of that weary 
prisoners' tramp up and down the deck, or of 
joining in one of those painful games which are 
inflicted on one on these occasions. Mrs. H. 
has just been evicted from the place which she 
had chosen for her chair, across the deck quoit 
pitch, by an obdurate quartermaster, and has 
now made H. put it where it is most incon- 
venient for the promenaders, and is complain- 
ing generally of the hopeless selfishness of the 
human race. I avoid games on board ship as 
the devil does holy water ; so I join X, and 
we commence our tramp up and down, with 
that broken, jerky conversation which is pro- 
duced by having to steer through or round 
couples coming the other way, like an endless 
first figure of the Lancers. Detectives say that 
finding out crimes is dull work as a rule, because 
ninety-nine out^ of a hundred are exactly like 
others one has known. The criminal types are 
comparatively few, and the individuals resemble 
each other closely, so that, given similar circum- 
stances, they will take the same line, endeavour 
to conceal their acts in the same way and make 
the same mistakes. Steamer folk follow the 
same law. One meets the same types again 
and again on these boats, so that even the in- 
evitable boredom of ship life is rarely lightened 
by meeting new types of interesting people. 

I am cursed with an excellent trivial memory. 
I cannot remember that I have to dine with 
some one, or that I must write a letter of import- 
ance, but I remember for years what an Indian 



AT SEA: AFTERNOON 303 

judge tells me of the^difficulty of dealing with 
the Brahmin, or what the Chinese merchant 
has to tell me about tea. And I never forget 
the types I meet or the things they say or do, 
\ and on this boat there are plenty of amusing 
ones. 

^likeJMtss Arbutley in theory, and to a certain 
extent in practice. She is nice - looking and 
dresses neatly, and she has a nice voice, and is 
always glad to see one and ready to talk. She 
has, however, views which, though they have 
changed often, are not apparently approach- 
ing perfection. I gather that her latest con- 
version is to what she calls a worship of Pan. 
At first this sounds to my untutored ear dis- 
reputable, but on inquiry it appears to mean 
that we should all be more natural and worship, 
as she expresses it, great Mother Nature. I 
cannot picture her as a nymph ; she is too 
eccentrically dressed and puts mauve powder 
on her nose, a thing no satyr would admire, I 
am sure. I have always had a sneaking desire 
to be natural ; one could tell people what one 
thinks of their wine, and seize all the nice things 
for oneself. How pleasant it would be, too, to 
hit H. hard, where it hurt him, every time he 
bored one ! Miss Arbutley says it would be a 
more joyous life for every one to do as they 
pleased. Now that, speaking altruistically, from 
H.'s point of view, I doubt. I cannot imagine 
even the greatest enthusiasm would make him 
like being kicked by every one who could do 
so with impunity, and even Miss Arbutley 



304 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

would, I am sure, dislike my scrubbing her face 
with a wet handkerchief to see if the mauve 
would come off, or whether it is a dye, which 
is my present natural longing. Poor dear, her 
naturalness is like Marie Antoinette's rusticity. 
She would like mentally to milk well-trained 
cows into silver buckets, and dance with silken 
dressed shepherds afterwards. How the mere 
sight of fierce, cruel, dirty, selfish nature would 
upset her ! However, what the South Sea Island 
king explained to his people about the bishop — 
viz. : he talked very fiercely but did not mean 
what he said — is true of her, for on the arrival 
of the inevitable H., who, I am sure, belongs 
to a secret sect for the suppression of human 
intercourse, she pretends to be pleased, and is 
led away by him to play one of those thrilling 
games provided for the passengers, which con- 
sists in throwing rings of rope into a bucket. 
H., however, makes it more amusing than it 
usually is, by flinging his rings with vicious 
force at various harmless individuals, who are 
only very comparatively in the direction of 
the bucket. I am glad he lands one of the 
gilt-edged officers a nasty clip on the jaw, 
especially as he apologises by saying he never 
noticed him, but I regret his hitting an old 
gentleman, for whom I have already a deep 
sympathy, on the nape of the neck. Ever 
since I came aboard that unhappy old person, 
who is afflicted with severe lameness, and a 
bespectacled daughter of forbidding and earnest 
appearance, has been hunted from pillar to post, 



AT SEA: AFTERNOON 305 

or, to be nautical, from funnel to mast. He is 
moved by his daughter, who does it in a practical 
and rather violent way, obviously regretting 
the time lost to her by this function from the 
study of statistics of the moral condition of 
India, or whatever deadly subject she is im- 
mersed in. On each occasion he says plain- 
tively, 6 Amelia, I think perhaps I had better 
move,' when he is whirled away to a new scene 
of helpless suffering with his chair, sticks, 
cushions, shawls, etc. He came on deck early, 
and no sooner was he established than they 
turned the hose on his feet on the pretext of 
washing the deck. He had scarcely been placed 
in a safe position on the other side of the deck, 
when he was again inundated. Rescued from 
a watery deck, he is no sooner partially dried, 
than he is moved in order to let an odoriferous 
gentleman of colour play at polishing some 
brass work against which his chair is resting. 
Hardly removed to another spot, when a small 
boy and an obvious amateur paints him and a 
piece of iron work in his vicinity impartially. 
Spotted but unruffled, he next is placed in a 
position in which he interferes with the putting 
up of the awnings, and men with naked feet 
walk about all over him. 



CHAPTER VIII 

AT SEA : EVENING 

There is something particularly unpleasant 
about rough weather at sea when the tempera- 
ture is high. The only pleasure in, or com- 
pensation for, rough weather in the north is that 
it is bracing and invigorating, and when that 
solitary advantage is taken away rough weather 
has no recommendation. 

I explain this to Tommy as we shoot out of 
the companion into the sticky darkness, slip 
up and sit down in beautiful time, but too loud, 
like a black Sudanese band. We struggle to 
our feet, saying what we think of rubber shoes 
on a wet deck. Tommy expresses his opinion 
that two inches of his spine must be projecting 
out of the top of his head, when the door of the 
companion again opens and Mesdames D. and 
H., as the playbills say, bound out and fling 
themselves into our arms, or perhaps more 
literally our waistcoats. When one reads of a 
woman flinging herself into a man's arms it 
sounds romantic. In real life it hurts. Mrs. 
D. arrives shoulder first, and in fighting par- 
lance bags my wind. She then says ' Oh ! ' 
stamps twice on my toe (the sore one), seizes 

306 



AT SEA: EVENING 307 

my hat with one hand and my tie with the 
other, thus bonneting me and strangling me 
in one motion, as they say in the drill books. 
Out of the eye w r hich is not obscured by my 
hat I can see, by the light coming from the 
companion door, Tommy hanging on to the 
bulwarks whilst Mrs. H. is apparently trying 
to throw him overboard. (The deck lights are 
out, as the electric light has gone wrong.) At 
this moment, with the inconsistency of their 
sex, the two ladies suddenly try to stagger 
backwards, and are only restrained by severe 
physical exertions on our part ; again changing, 
they fling themselves upon us with renewed 
energy. 

After a few moments of this awful struggle 
the rolling becomes temporarily less violent, 
and we get the ladies to the bulwarks, where 
they can hold on to inanimate objects that we 
trust don't suffer as we do in the process. 

It is decided to get some chairs in a sheltered 
spot, and tie them there and then put the ladies 
into them, and this we do after incredible struggles 
and suppressed profanity. We then wrap the 
rugs round the ladies and anchor ourselves in 
the vicinity, while it is explained to us how rough 
we are. Tommy meekly agrees, but says the 
treatment he has received will be a warning to 
him never to do it again ; and asks me what a 
broken back feels like. 

It is rather a fine sight, now that our eyes are 
accustomed to the darkness, as the sea is semi- 
phosphorescent, and in the dim light the huge 



308 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

waves look huger and more tumbled and tor- 
mented by the howling wind. 

Where we are, we are out of the wind and in 
comparative calm and quiet, and we begin 
talking. 

In the dark one either talks very well, very 
foolishly, or not at all. In this case Tommy 
begins telling us of his adventures in the South 
Sudan, and he lies well. Not that all or even a 
quarter of what he says is untrue, only the 
probable parts. That is one of the most irri- 
tating things that exist — the improbability of 
truth. I have had to modify some of my best 
stories, because you simply could not believe 
them. In this case, as usual, the audience accept 
Tommy's flights of imagination with enthu- 
siasm, and question his facts with evident 
disbelief. It is amusing to watch with what 
skill women cover their ignorance. They are 
forced, poor things, to listen to men talking 
about all sorts and kinds of subjects which they 
can know little or nothing about, and they 
become marvellously skilful at appearing to 
follow with interest a series of words which 
can mean little or nothing to them. Some- 
times I believe they follow your ideas from your 
expression and manner, as children do, and not 
by the words you use. It is very likely a surer 
way of exchanging ideas and impressions than 
the artificial code we have devised. I don't 
mean that women are necessarily more ignorant 
than men, but that they show it less. 

Tommy has really a great talent for descrip- 



AT SEA: EVENING 309 

tion, and he makes our flesh creep with his 
picture of those awful marshes where the steam- 
ing temperature never changes night or day, 
and the extent of your view is always bounded 
by the high grass round you, and where you 
hear, not see, the unknown enemies moving 
round you, and the sullen pools are full of foul 
reptiles, and the torture of the mosquito never 
ceases. We are all impressed, when the effect 
is spoilt by the arrival of H. on all fours. Whether 
he has been in that position since he came on 
deck I don't know, but that is how he joins the 
party. He anchors himself to his wife's chair, 
and in three minutes has destroyed the charm 
of the scene. 

He asks Tommy what pay one gets there, 
and if he tried Bolger's syrup for fever. Then, 
in spite of the obvious disapproval of the com- 
pany, tells us how he once nearly went to West 
Africa, and did not, worse luck ! 

After enduring this, not because we are gifted 
with any undue measure of fortitude, but because 
we are averse to moving, we decide mentally 
that we would sooner face the fury of the elements 
than another of H.'s anecdotes, and with much 
difficulty pilot the ladies back to the com- 
panion and wish them good-night, whilst in 
order to pander to T.'s evil habits, as I explain 
to him, we adjourn to the smoking-room for a 
drink. 

Here we find the usual small gathering of the 
society of the ship. The Anglo-Indians are 
exchanging ideas on their respective provinces, 



310 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

and a bridge party are quarrelling over their 
last rubber. Half a dozen subalterns are dis- 
cussing their leaves and the meanness of the 
War Office in that respect. It is not inspirit- 
ing, and I am nearly dead with sleep, so I totter 
to my feet and eventually to bed. 



CHAPTER IX 

MARSEILLES 

I hate leaving a ship, other than a Channel 
steamer. One has usually settled down and got 
used to the monotony of the life, and no one 
hustles one or hurries one about. There is plenty 
of time to do anything, for the longer it takes the 
more day it fills up. Out of this torpid condi- 
tion one is suddenly hurled into a French custom- 
house. Of course the din of unnecessary con- 
versation, which to the Northern ear is deafen- 
ing, to one used to Egypt seems like the gentle 
speech of a taciturn woman. But still it infects 
one, and we passengers all begin talking in a 
loud voice about nothing in particular. We 
also press forward through the throng of officials 
and others, who seem to be paid by the French 
Government to hinder and obstruct travellers, 
for that is all they do. The inevitable Cook's 
man tries to attend as usual to twelve people 
at once, and as usual fails. Hotel touts seize 
weak-minded travellers, and bear them off to 
hotels which they never meant to go to or even 
positively dislike. We resign our hand luggage 
to an elderly and, I trust, reformed Apache, 
and are taken to the usual comfortless shed 
where we are to register our luggage, etc. I 

311 



312 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

suggest to my companions, that as we know by 
long experience that no one will think either 

(1) of unloading our baggage from the ship, 

(2) of paying the smallest attention to us when 
it is unloaded for at least an hour, we should 
get one of the hotel porters to look after our 
interests in our absence, and go for a walk or 
drive to pass the time. We discuss the matter, 
and I find I am in a minority of one. Tommy 
has principles and disapproves of walking when 
he can sit down ; Mrs. D. says she is sure they 
will send off her luggage, when she is not look- 
ing, to some awful place ; Mr. H. says he never 
loses sight of his luggage when travelling, which 
must be uncomfortable for him, as holds and 
luggage vans must be horrible places to travel 
in, and an awful bore for the luggage. I restrain 
myself from suggesting that he might give his 
portmanteau a rest to-day as it looks fagged 
and yellow, and meekly acquiesce. I borrow a 
chair from a customs clerk who has fallen a 
victim to Mrs. D., and the rest of us sit on the 
low barrier table on which the customs officials 
play at noughts and crosses with the passengers' 
luggage. Here we sit talking while H. does 
tours de force in destroying all human interest in 
each subject as it comes up, and Mrs. H. groans 
out gloomy prognostications, like an overfed 
pythoness. 

Time wears away, and instead of increased 
activity every one seems to be going away. At 
last Tommy, who is full of latent energy, suggests 
H. should make inquiries. This is carried out 



MARSEILLES 313 

almost unanimously, and he departs on his 
errand, giving vent to his first Est-ce que as he 
turns the corner of the shed, whilst we settle 
down to amuse Mrs. D. with considerable success ; 
even Mrs. H. gives a gloomy smile occasionally 
as Tommy describes his social experiences (purely 
imaginary) in India and elsewhere. 

Such happiness is not to last: a warning 
tray biang from what they call in stage direc- 
tions ' off,' tells us of the return of our mes- 
senger, and we behold H. being led back by 
the irate elderly Apache, who is talking volubly 
in a broad Marseilles dialect, whilst H., who 
understands one word in twenty-five, is inter- 
jecting an occasional tray biang, to pacify the 
irate foreigner and at the same time, so to speak, 
keep his end up. The Apache, having restored 
the wandering sheep to his proper fold or shed, 
with renewed injunctions for us to wait where 
we are, departs. I notice that he is even more 
rollickingly murderous than he was, and I feel 
a qualm. 

Supposing his naturally astute mind is obscured 
by clouds of scented alcohol. I suggest this to 
Tommy, who replies with decision, 'I did not 
notice any scent, but if you mean that he is 
very drunk, I agree with you.' 

Once the germ of distrust is implanted in the 
human heart it grows fast. Up till now we have 
regarded the Apache as an uncleanly and dis- 
sipated but beneficent person. 

Mrs. D. is now sure we are in the wrong place, 
and may have missed a train and lost our luggage m 



314 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

We proceed in a body till we find a person 
of consequence in uniform, but he declines to 
speak or interrupt the train of reflection which 
is passing through his mind. He merely points 
to another shed and turns away. We march on, 
every one explaining how sure they were that we 
were in the wrong shed but did not like to say so. 

At this moment it all flashes on me : instead, 
as I thought, of being under the protecting 
care of one whose past life, though regrettable, 
enabled him more effectually to defend our 
interests, we are the sport of the whims of a 
brain steeped in alcohol. We therefore, that is 
Tommy and I, appeal to a gentleman in uniform, 
who characteristically declines to answer and 
walks away. 

We try another and yet another until we 
despair. We only want to know what to do, 
but we can get no help. We are pariahs. It 
is an excellent instance of the results of keep- 
ing bad company, as I explain to Tommy. 

Our tempers begin to go, especially as our 
female fellow travellers begin to point out how 
sure they have always been that we were doing 
the wrong thing the wrong way with the wrong 
people. The Apache has now subsided into an 
alcoholic stupor on my cabin trunk. 

At this point an unusually well-dressed official 
appears and demands with stern ferocity what 
we are doing here. We explain. He declines 
our explanation, and says we must go away 
at once. We agree joyfully, but are crushed 
by his ukase that our luggage must remain. 



MARSEILLES 315 

Why ? we ask timidly. With growing in- 
dignation he tells us loudly because it has 
not been examined by the customs officers. 
We implore him to inform us how we can get 
this done. He, speaking still louder, says we 
cannot get this done, as the time has passed 
for the examination of the baggage of pas- 
sengers from this steamship, and in this he 
is confirmed by a small crowd of officials, 
porters and loafers, who have assembled round 
us, and who all talk at once. 

We ask still mildly, by exercising miracles 
of self-control, what are we then to do ? That, 
bellows the official, is not his affair. We must 
go and come back to-morrow. 

But we urge, with a pressure of some thou- 
sands of pounds to the inch in our boilers, 
we wish to catch the six o'clock train to Paris, 
At this he almost screams with rage, and the 
remainder of the crowd bellow with excitement. 
We gather that he does not really care whether 
we go to Paris or elsewhere. As a last chance 
we point out that in the next shed the passengers 
of another liner are having their baggage 
examined, could it not be done there ? This 
nearly produces an apoplectic fit ; apparently 
mixing passengers is against every principle 
he has. It is, to judge by his demeanour, 
a vile act, with which no honest sub-deputy 
assistant examiner of customs would stain his 
reputation and honour. 

Every one now lets himself go, and we all 
shout and gesticulate. 



316 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

Tommy now reveals the true greatness of 
his character. He strides up to the gibber- 
ing official, and demands in courteous but 
firm language to be immediately taken to the 
Director of Customs, to lodge a complaint 
of the outrageous way in which two senior 
officials of the Egyptian Government and two 
English ladies have been treated. 

Every one pauses and then the discussion 
is resumed, but our adversary is shaken. One 
must not treat officials like the general public. 
His friends reason with him and make sugges- 
tions. Finally, with a dramatic gesture of 
despair, he rushes at our baggage, chalks it 
all over, and says we may go. We thank him 
profusely and we bow to each other. Every 
one congratulated us and him, and we feel 
like the heroes of a duel. Our luggage is 
whisked away and put on cabs. An outlet 
for any remains of animosity is found in the 
Apache, who is abused, arrested, fined and 
dismissed, or is going to be, which is doubt- 
less the same thing. 



CHAPTER X 

MARSEILLES TO PARIS 

Next to the barbarity of cooping one up on 
board ship in a cabin wet with fellow sufferers, 
the most disgraceful relic of the dark ages 
is the arrangement of a sleeping car. I reflect 
this sadly as I find myself in a four cabin, of 
which all the three other berths are occupied. 
Two of the occupants are standing outside in 
the passage, gloomily watching the conductor 
making up what are by a polite fiction called 
the beds. My co- voyagers are, I imagine from 
their countenances, at any time of severe and 
gloomy dispositions, and under the present 
circumstances they appear to be in their element. 
They would make excellent models for a his- 
torical picture — Puritans watching the prepara- 
tions for their own execution. 

By the few hoarse gutturals which they ex- 
change, I conclude that they are of Scottish 
origin. I suspect them of being elders who 
have been to see with their own eyes the horrors 
of those sinks of iniquity, Nice and Monte 
Carlo. 

They have certainly not been corrupted into 
any form of unfitting levity during their visit. 

The fourth victim of overcrowding is not 

317 



318 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

there, but a miscellaneous selection of articles 
scattered carelessly on his berth look foreign. 
I notice a huge music case. 

As it is impossible to sit in the compartment 
and the beds are down, we stand in the passage 
while the train moves slowly out of the station. 
Luckily we are to have dinner at once, so we 
totter towards the restaurant car in single file 
along the narrow passage, banging against the 
sides and holding on with difficulty, like very 
drunk Red Indians on the war-path. The 
march of the column, which Tommy joins in 
the next car, is checked from time to time by 
the elders, who are portly men, having to 
squeeze past other passengers. It is an em- 
barrassing process, and some people never see 
that by reason of their stoutness this cannot 
be done, and they must step back into their 
cabins. In the case of one old Frenchman, 
the leading elder sticks, and for a moment it 
looks as if we should either have to give up our 
dinner or climb over them. The second elder, 
however, whose implacable purpose to reach 
the restaurant any one could read in his eye, 
solves the matter by pitching forward and 
driving his companion from his position, leaving 
the unhappy Frenchman breathless, and I believe 
permanently dented in front. 

We arrive at last at our destination, to find 
a perspiring head waiter doing a sort of step 
dance up and down the car, trying to get people 
into their proper places. Some people have 
lost the numbers they were given, others never 



MARSEILLES TO PARIS 319 

had them, and the whole car is a scene of rock- 
ing, bumping confusion. A small but ener- 
getic boy is struggling with a pile of plates, a 
bread basket and eight bottles through the 
mob at the risk of his life. The head waiter 
has as usual put every one at every one 
else's table, and this is bitterly resented 
by the public. One old Australian, finding 
that he and his wife were placed at opposite 
ends of the car, has broken out into open 
mutiny, and has annexed a table for two. ' Dis 
lady, 5 says the distracted waiter, ' is not 18, 
ze is 24.' ' She is more than that, my lad,' 
says the Australian genially but firmly, 6 but 
we have been together nigh on forty years and 
we don't separate now.' 

At this excellent sentiment the waiter swears 
to himself in French, and with a dramatic ges- 
ture of despair flings the remaining tickets 
into the air, and retires to the kitchen, presum- 
ably to commit suicide in the saucepan. 

We sort ourselves, and I find myself at a 
four table with Mrs. X., Mrs. H. and Tommy, 
H. having been judiciously ridden off by the 
latter and placed at a table with the elders, 
where they can bore each other in peace. 

Dinner on a restaurant car is invariably the 
same in whatever country you eat it. I always 
wonder if it has been standardised, and thus 
an economy effected. They, however, keep up 
the farce of giving you a menu which, in addi- 
tion to the vermicelli soup, fish of a peculiar 
nature which I believe are bred in the engine 



320 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

tanks, small slices of wear-resisting beef, eight- 
legged winners of the chicken Marathon race, 
and caramel pudding, tells you all sorts of other 
things. 

I suppose advertisements pay, but why one 
should decide to buy a steam pump or electric 
light installation while one is making shots 
to get something which one doesn't like into 
one's mouth is a puzzle. Perhaps people of 
modern ideas in the agony of the moment 
promise their patron saint a complete electric 
light plant, instead of the old-fashioned candles, 
if they ever get out of the car uninjured. 

Mrs. H. under this shaking becomes very 
violent, and Tommy, who is next her, and 
I who am opposite, have an exciting time. 

Early in the proceedings she flings a spoon- 
ful of soup at me, and empties the salt cellar 
over Tommy. She has, too, a huge drooping 
plume in her hat, which just touches the bald 
head of an irritable old Frenchman behind 
her, who keeps on slapping at the imaginary 
flies, until he nearly pulls her hat off, and dis- 
covers his mistake. 

She reminds me of those men at fairs who 
play four or five instruments at once — she 
soups me, salts Tommy and feathers the old 
Frenchman all at the same time. 

Soup, which is always a dangerous moment, 
has passed when the small boy enters with a 
huge plate of fish. At this moment we take 
a curve, and he is thrown violently against 
Mrs. H., whom he partially sits on, still with 



MARSEILLES TO PARIS 321 

an expression of rigid despair, holding the dish 
up as the hot water trickles on to his devoted 
waistcoat. 

On my return to my compartment, I find 
the two elders have already occupied their 
berths and I climb up into mine, where I pro- 
ceed to go through the various acrobatic feats 
necessary to undress when lying down in a 
rocking and jolting train. I have hardly 
finished, when we hear coming down the passage 
unusually uncertain steps and the carolling 
of an Italian air, and our fourth companion 
arrives. 

He proves to be a rather stoutish gentleman 
of about thirty, very dark and Italian looking, 
and having obviously dined very well. 

He wishes all an affectionate good evening 
in Italian, French, and English, and as an 
unusually severe jolt occurs at this minute, 
sits down suddenly on the fatter elder, who 
gives vent to an exclamation of surprise and 
pain in no civil tones. Our operatic singer, 
for so I am sure he is, apologises profusely 
and insists on shaking hands with the elder, 
much to that gentleman's wrath. He then 
pats him affectionately on the shoulder, begs 
him to be cheerful, and turns to the other 
pillar of the Scottish Church, and insists on 
shaking hands with him. ' I don't want,' 
begins that individual, but seeing that the 
Italian may at any moment collapse on to him 
in his turn, he thinks better of it, and grudg- 
ingly gives him an enormous and unsympathetic 

x 



322 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

paw. ' I hope now, 5 he says in his drawling 
caw, l we may all be allowed to go to sleep.' 
The singer does not understand, but breaks 
into a merry laugh, claps him on the shoulder, 
informs him he is an original, and starts to 
climb into his berth. It is a ticklish job, 
even if one has not passed a convivial evening, 
and the Italian, though he goes at it with 
plenty of dash, is a trifle unsteady in his move- 
ments, with the result that he falls back on 
elder number one, who fairly bellows with 
rage. More apologies, and the tenor, full of 
the milk of human kindness, insists on again 
shaking hands all round. The elders by this 
time are in a most unclerical frame of mind, 
and though I camiot follow their remarks, I 
gather they are in the nature of a reproof. 

The tenor, for so he is, undismayed and 
smiling brightly, winks at me, and climbs with 
praeter-human luck this time successfully into 
his berth. He then begs to introduce himself. 
His name is Antonelli, he is an operatic tenor, 
but I may already know. No ? - He is sur- 
prised, but perhaps I come from far Egypt. 
All, that explains it, because frankly he has 
had some success, yes, some. Egypt, ah, Egypt, 
the land of Aida — he then bursts into song. 

' Will you ask that lunatic up there to 
let us go to sleep,' growls the fat elder queru- 
lously, whilst the other growls out his intention 
to complain. ' He is in a disgraceful condition 
and should be ashamed of himself,' he adds. 

I translate the desire for sleep to the signor, 



MARSEILLES TO PARIS 328 

who immediately offers to sing a lullaby, which 
he does. The fat elder presses the button of 
the electric bell furiously, but this as usual 
produces no effect at all. I never knew a 
sleeping car bell that did. The tenor mean- 
while has unpacked a small bag, the principal 
contents of which seem to be a sleeping cap of 
a weird shape, a large spirit flask and a cabinet 
portrait of a very good-looking lady in very 
scanty attire. 

This he kisses passionately and then shows to 
me. I admire it duly. 6 What a woman ! Ah, 
what a dream ! She adores me, but that is 
the same with them all. A tenor they cannot 
resist. My faith, they weary me, poor things. 
But she — she is lovely. What eyes ! What a 
skin ! What a figure ! ' etc. etc. I am glad 
elders do not understand French. 

The tenor now leans over his berth and insists 
on showing the photograph to the suffering 
followers of John Knox below, eliciting furious 
remonstrances from them, which most unfairly 
are addressed to me. 6 Ah ha, what say they ? 
They are jealous, the two quaint ones.' I re- 
monstrate, pointing out that they are reverend 
gentlemen, and that he is offending them. 

He declines to believe this. All really great 
men admire the beautiful, he says, and they 
are therefore not great but metaphorically little. 
The fatter elder now asks me with weary fury 
if I cannot stop that intoxicated idiot talking. 
The tenor, having put away his photograph, 
tells me of his early life and his leanings towards 



324 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

religion, which he found, however, too petty 
for him. He has nevertheless a great respect 
for it. Will I assure the two ' clergimans ' 
of this ? It will comfort them. 

I urge again the propriety of his going to 
sleep. Not, he says with solemn dignity, 
without cementing the friendship which has 
sprung up between us, and which he feels will 
last our lives. I am sympathetic, I love life, 
beauty, woman, wine, and all that makes life 
(hiccup) worth living. — I am glad my family 
cannot hear this character sketch. — Not like 
those black beetles below, for whom he has a 
deep respect, but they are undoubtedly black 
beetles. 

He now unscrews the flask, produces a glass 
and pours out some brandy, only a portion of 
which reaches its intended destination, the re- 
mainder descending in an alcoholic spray on 
the respected ones beneath. 

6 Drink,' says the tenor, ' there is no better 
brandy. If those black beetles below had been 
amiable, they too should have shared, for gene- 
rosity is my failing. I give away all I have, 
I cannot help it. I am like that, but they 
— what do they know of this beautiful nectar 
of the (hiccup) gods ? They swill their rough 
whisky, gin and porter beer, which reduces 
their muddy brains to a degraded pulp. But 
you, you are different — therefore drink to the 
divine Massenet or to your love, whoever she 
is, doubtless superb (hiccup) ! ' 

I accept the brandy with joy, because I see 



MARSEILLES TO PARIS 325 

that a very little more liquor will reduce our 
king of song to a quiescent state. My hopes 
are quickly fulfilled as the tenor takes a long 
pull at the flask, and after an ineffectual attempt 
at song, falls into a heavy sleep. I compose 
myself to follow his example, wondering why 
the reek of the brandy is so unpleasantly 
powerful. 

When I awake we are circling Paris and the 
tenor is gone ; he left us apparently at the 
Gare de Lyon. The elders, worn out with their 
troubles, are still asleep, and I slip off to the 
washing place to go through all the miseries 
of a railway toilet. However, it is not the 
first time I have shaved with my head knock- 
ing against the sides of the cabin, or washed 
in half a pint of the peculiar mixture of coal 
dust, oil and water, which the sleeping cars 
provide for the purpose, and I just get back to 
my compartment as we enter the Nord. 

The two elders, when dressed, look at me 
with sour dislike, but I notice an expression 
of anxious dismay on the one who slept in the 
berth under the tenor, and who by the way, 
like his companion, I notice sports the blue 
ribbon. c It is very awkward, 5 he is saying to 
his companion, c and very difficult to explain. 
How will I make Janet and the rest believe I 
slept under a God-forsaken lunatic who went 
to sleep with a full bottle of brandy uncorked 
in his hand, and fairly drenched me with it 
all night ? ' The fatter elder, whose natural 
sourness has been accentuated by his recent 



326 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

sufferings, remarks that if people sleep so heavily 
they are liable to all sorts of inconveniences, 
and generally implies it is the fault of the 
sleeper. 

As we stop they gather up their belongings, 
and get out to change on to some other route. 
I watch with interest their meeting with a 
group of gaunt females and solemn, blue- 
ribboned men on the platform. The bebrandied 
elder gingerly embraces the most forbidding of 
the women, who starts back with horror, and 
they drift from my sight up the platform, 
the unhappy man evidently explaining to an 
unsympathetic and incredulous audience the 
reason for his brandy-flavoured condition. It 
is a sad story, and must have a moral which I 
cannot think of. I will ask Tommy. 



CHAPTER XI 

PARIS TO CALAIS 

I feel a sinking of the heart as we leave the 
station. Mrs. H. has that restlessness which 
all women of a certain sort have. It is not the 
restlessness of the efficient housekeeper, but 
the restlessness of innate discontent. A woman 
has to think about herself, and many of her 
type get so naturally self-centred, that they 
really cease to care for anything else. The 
result is a natural discontent and desire for 
change. 

It makes travelling rather a sad business, 
especially in cold weather when one is well 
wrapped up. I begin by enveloping her in her 
rug, and making her as comfortable as possible, 
and then proceed to do the same for myself. 
As for some reason the heating arrangements of 
the carriage have gone wrong, and as Mrs. H. 
is at present a believer in a fresh air doctor 
and insists on all windows being down, it is 
bitter ; and even with a muffler, heavy great- 
coat and wool gloves, I am pretty chilly. 

I get out my book, a fairly interesting yellow- 
back novel which I picked up at Marseilles, at 
the price of a first edition, and am soon in the 
state of trying to follow the somewhat diffuse 

327 



828 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

story of the author. I have just begun to 
follow the thread of the story, when Mrs. H. asks 
me if I would mind getting her her bag which 
is on the rack over my head. I unwind myself, 
put down my book and get down the bag. Mrs. 
H. wishes me, she says, to open it. I take off 
my gloves and find the catch ; as she frankly 
admits, it is hard to manage. I split a nail 
and sprain my thumb, but restrain any com- 
ment and get it open. 

Now if she will only leave me quiet for a 
moment, I might get on with my book. It 
is interesting, though like most modern sen- 
sational novels it makes me a little dizzy, 
because no one acts in a way that one con- 
ceives it possible they would. They also seem 
to have all sorts of principles and laws, social 
and moral, which are all their own. Perhaps 
these writers belonged to a concealed and secret 
religion, with a different set of morals and 
ethics from ours. For instance, Jones's grand- 
father shoots Miss Smith's uncle dead, then 
Jones and Miss Smith cannot marry, though 
both families were glad when the shooting 
part of the occurrence terminated so satis- 
factorily. 

Again you must, according to their laws, 
never call in the police, or if you do you must 
tell them transparent falsehoods so as, I con- 
clude, like the old riddle about the hen, to 
make it more difficult. If ever a friend, rela- 
tion or even a stranger asks you a simple and 
straightforward question such as, When does 



PARIS TO CALAIS 329 

the Scotch express start and from where ? you 
must either tell him an incredible story about 
its going from the Marble Arch at four in the 
morning, or even better, you must get deathly 
pale, hold on to the lamp-post, and say in broken 
accents, ' Would to God I could answer you, 
but the secret is not mine.' You should then 
faint or disappear into the darkness — the latter, 
I should imagine, if your questioner is muscular 
and irritable. In cases where action instead 
of words is wanted, such as stopping a man 
braining your benefactor as he sits at his desk, 
you being the stronger and well-armed and 
having no expectations from the old gentle- 
man ; or preventing a woman from leaving 
your house by the window with all your wife's 
jewels under her arm,— the first thing to do is 
to become numb and to allow everything to 
rush through your mind till it is too late to do 
anything. 

This power of getting numb is very important 
and must need much practice, but must also 
be, when acquired, an accomplishment much 
admired in criminal circles. It makes pro- 
fessional matters so much easier for them. As 
I say, you should remain numb until it is too 
late to do anything and then compromise your- 
self as quickly as possible. In the case of 
murder, you should cover yourself with blood, 
transfer all portable property from the victim's 
to your own pockets, take the murderous 
weapon firmly in the right hand and wait for 
arrest. If a word or two of explanation would 



330 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

have got you out of the difficulty, get dazed 
or numb again and say nothing. 

On the other hand, if by action you can 
do nothing useful, take it at once. Always 
when unarmed, feeble from illness or loss of 
blood, rush at fourteen professional murderers 
who are looking for you. Similarly, throw 
yourself in front of express trains, steam-rollers 
and such like, if the heroine is being carried off 
in them. Naturally, after these efforts you will 
wake up in hospital wondering where you are, 
and fight your way back to life. 

Another difficult point is, when you should 
or should not suspect people. When you find 
your beloved uncle, a hale and powerful man 
of forty, on the high road of a winter's night, 
in a condition which looks as if he had been 
put through a pulping machine, you must 
suspect his ward — a frail, ethereal girl of eighteen 
— who is your fiancee, and must rush off and 
bury yourself in South America for a few years, 
because you noticed a flower like the one she 
wore the winter before last lying near the 
body. You may occasionally wonder how she 
did it, but take no steps to clear the matter 
up. On the other hand, if you enter a church 
and see your fiancee being married privately 
to a stranger who embraces her fondly as she 
gets into the motor car to drive away, you 
must not be surprised if your young woman, 
when asked for explanations, says, ' Heavens, I 
cannot explain ; you must trust me.' It is, 
of course, difficult, but you will reproach your- 



PARIS TO CALAIS 331 

self bitterly for ever suspecting her afterwards, 
and live a broken man if you do. 

Again, never suspect a leading criminal or 
other Bohemian acquaintance who offers to 
lead you to this same fiancee, who has got tem- 
porarily mislaid, and who, stipulating that you 
shall be alone and unarmed, takes you to the 
worst quarter of the town and then down a 
dark passage. If the proceeding appears too 
childish, you can be impelled by an unseen 
power (from behind presumably), but go on 
unsuspectingly until you are quietly knocked 
on the head or thrown into the river, or what- 
ever it is they want to do with you. 

You should also give criminals a sporting 
chance. If some one gives you a paper with 
the name and address of the gentleman or 
lady who, after committing a series of atrocious 
crimes, is supposed, with the assistance of a 
thumbscrew, to be extracting cheques by torture 
from your respected aunt, in their lair, never 
open it or send it to the police. No, you should 
begin a series of futile inquiries, which will 
give them time to cash your aunt's cheques, 
and in the end, when by a colossal series of 
flukes you catch them, your aunt will thank 
you profusely. If the series of flukes are really 
too disgraceful, you can put them down to 
Providence. 

I could go on for hours on this subject, which 
really fascinates me, as I have a theory about 
it. It is that these works are all written by 
gentlemen or ladies who are in establishments 



332 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

under medical charge, and sold for the benefit 
of the institution and by the management. 
This is really why there are so many. 

At this moment I recognise Marley coming 
down the corridor, and we greet each other and 
he seats himself next to me. He is a great 
authority on the Near East, and I have known 
him on and off for years. He travels about 
and gives rather cryptic advice gratis to any 
one he can catch. He began life as some great 
man's private secretary and was, I think, em- 
ployed by the Foreign Office at one time. He 
writes on Egypt particularly, and sometimes 
comes to us to check his information, figures, 
etc. I could bear with him better if he was 
not deaf, as when I talk to him I have to shout, 
and it drives me crazy, besides making my 
head ache. 

He begins at once in the monotonous, low- 
pitched voice of the deaf man whom some 
fiend of a friend has told he speaks too loud, 
asking me how things are in Egypt. On my 
replying that they are much as usual, he in- 
forms me that Lord Palmerston remarked once 
to the late Duke of Essex, ' The East is always 
as usual, which is usually bad.' I give a rudi- 
mentary smile and nod to save my voice. He 
then tells me that he has just come from Con- 
stantinople. I ask him how things are there, 
at which he shakes his head and says, not as 
good perhaps as they might be. He adds 
that the late Lord Dufferin once said to Sheriff 
Pachs, ' Turkey is a knot which no one but a 



PARIS TO CALAIS 333 

Turk dare cut. 5 I ask if there is any danger 
of further fighting. He replies, yes, but not 
enough, which surprises me. I ask if he thinks 
much is wanted. ' Oh,' he says, ' the same 
amount as elsewhere,' which fogs me com- 
pletely. He adds, however, that the late Lord 
Lytton once observed that the mysterious dark- 
ness of the East was the result of mental fog. 

If that is the case, I am in the blackest Eastern 
night. It now strikes me he thought I was talk- 
ing of lighting, not fighting, so I scream an almost 
piteous prayer to be told how the present Grand 
Vizier is getting on with the committee. He 
shakes his head sadly, and says, ' Well enough 
at present.' I yell, ' Who are his particular 
friends ? ' He says, ' Much too much and 
without result.' He continues that Lord 
Beaconsfleld stated to Sir Arthur Doughnut, 
our ambassador at Vienna, that he believed 
that Turkish expenditure and a speech of Mr. 
Gladstone's were the only two things of which 
the wisest men could not predict the extent. 

I shall die if this goes on. If I don't scream 
he does not hear, and if I do Mrs. H. looks 
daggers at me, as it makes her head worse. Well, 
she has been a pig to me, so I '11 introduce them, 
which I do, and then murmuring that I left 
my tickets in the other carriage, stagger miser- 
ably down the train to Mrs. Despard's com- 
partment, where I find to my delight there is 
a vacant seat next her, and I sit down to a 
comfortable chat, which by good luck is what 
she wants, as she has been suffering under H., 



334 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

she tells me in a whisper, but he mercifully 
has dropped off to sleep. We talk on plea- 
santly and my temper returns, when an idiotic 
man with a punch comes round and punches 
our tickets. This, of course, wakes H. up. 

H., of course, begins by having a row with 
the collector or puncher, because the official 
who previously dealt with the ticket has punched 
or torn out some portion of it which, according 
to H., he should not have done. In vain the 
unhappy collector explains that he is an employe 
of the Nord Railway and the delinquent, if he 
was a delinquent, was belonging to the P.L.M. 
H. looks at him with a cold but distrustful 
eye and says, ' Qa nHmporte. Vous avez donne 
cette billette a moi et vous etes responsable pour touV 

The man appeals to me, and I try to reason 
with H., but he is obdurate, and the employe 
gets very excited and H. coldly angry, whilst 
I begin to get confused and fussed between 
the two, when Mrs. Despard intervenes. She 
speaks beautiful French and looks trustingly 
at the employe, who becomes, as they all do, 
her devoted slave from that minute, and her 
firm adherent whatever she may say or do. 

She explains the whole matter according to 
her view, and we all get so hopelessly fogged, 
that we don't know what we are talking or 
even thinking about. ' You see, 5 she says 
triumphantly, 4 if you travelled from France 
through Russia and they punched your ticket 
in Italy, it would be just the same, only in 
this case they are both Frenchmen, and I don't 



PARIS TO CALAIS 335 

myself believe the ticket was punched wrong 
at all, and certainly not by monsieur,' indicat- 
ing the ticket collector, ' who I am sure would 
never do such a thing, but if you,' speaking 
to H., ' wish your ticket punched anywhere 
else, I am sure monsieur will do it at once.' 

The ticket collector then solemnly announces 
with as magnificent a bow as can be made in 
a rocking, jolting train, that to please Madame, 
he would punch anything anywhere. I wish 
she would ask him to punch H.'s ear. H. is 
silenced, and is obviously making heroic efforts 
to follow her reasoning. Mrs. D., taking advan- 
tage of the lull, as she afterwards says, to put 
an end to an unpleasant scene, asks the ticket 
collector to punch the ticket which she now 
holds in a place she indicates, which he does 
without even looking, and receives the sweetest 
thanks, and retires bowing and hopelessly en- 
slaved. H. takes back the ticket mechanically 
murmuring, ' And the ticket was punched in 
Italy. But you would not go through Italy.' 
' Don't be tiresome,' says Mrs. D., 6 that was 
only an illustration. And anyhow now it is 
punched right through all the coupons.' Which 
indeed is the case, and I hear from time to time 
during all the rest of the journey, H. explaining 
to various officials who ask why this has been 
done : c Une dame qui etait avec moi dans la 
voiiure a fait faire qa your s^amuserj which 
reduces his interlocutor to a condition of 
mystified astonishment. It gives H. quite a 
lot to do and keeps him busy. 



336 THE LEISURE OF AN EGYPTIAN OFFICIAL 

No further untoward incident mars our further 
journey, except the untiring bag straying into 
the next compartment but one, and being 
brought back by a lady's maid who happens 
to know Mrs. D., and hence the bag. 

c I think,' says Mrs. D., as we arrive at Calais, 
' that it is going to be quite calm.' H. and I 
look gloomily seawards and hold our peace. 
On these occasions I am always a pessimist. 



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